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A review by merholley
The Darkest Road by Guy Gavriel Kay
2.0
This suddenly got way too Power Rangers for me. No one was a bigger fan of the Darien story at the beginning of the last book (or Jennifer’s story? Both) than this girl, but, man, when it turned out that he had ? That was a bummer. I mean, you might say, “no, no ,” or whatever, but I think you’re wrong. I mean, this book even made me like the other books a little less. It was the Phantom Menace to [b:Wandering Fire|104088|The Wandering Fire (The Fionavar Tapestry, #2)|Guy Gavriel Kay|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1171506612s/104088.jpg|1136221]’s Empire Strikes Back. All the eye rolling I did while reading this book got them really loose and limber and ready for swimsuit weather. Eye yoga. If I had that would be really dangerous.
And the battles were all really Power Rangers to me, too. But, what if David Rees re-wrote the story? Darien’s would basically look like this:
Yeah. If David Rees had written this book, I would have liked it. As it is, I really can’t think of anything I like about it. I totally can’t handle the kid who is in love with the pegacorn (pegasus + unicorn – bred for its skills in disgusting, gory mass-murder, while it whispers sweet nothings to little boys).
I started off iffy on the Camelot story, anyway, and at the start of this book I was officially persuaded of the benefits of ménage a trois in some relationships. Like, they’re all in love with each other. What is the problem? I’m not being snide. Really, what is the problem? I think I’m supposed to feel some kind of tension that I don’t feel. I mean, I get the problem in the original Camelot story, but not in this one.
I’m a bad fantasy reader. That’s what this really comes down to. I need stories like this to either be really short and action packed, or to have a little sense of humor. I find the earnestness of fantasy to be dreary and shallow. I don’t know, was Power Rangers supposed to be a little funny, or at least facetious? I was a little too old for it, so it just seemed loud and obnoxious to me. Maybe I didn’t get it like I don’t get this. But, I don’t get this.
And THEN at the end
Also, it was pretty easy the way Satan’s baby killed him. I don’t know. It was just convenient after a looooooong wait of flying around in forests and like, “Should I be eeevil? Should I be good? I don’t knoooooow!” Whatever. If I had laser eyes, I would probably spend more time perfecting x-ray vision and less time being a loser than people with laser eyes seem to do. Maybe laser eyes would make me really angsty, too. I don’t know. I don’t see the correlation.
And, I’m sorry, but forget the ménage a trois idea because, actually, every single person in this book just wants to give every other person in this book a BJ. They’re just all completely interchangeable. They got flatter and flatter and flatter until at the end it’s a bunch of literary crepes walking around complimenting the other crepes on their fighting style. Like this, but not funny:
I’m sure I was supposed to be so in love with the characters that their every move stirred passion within me, but that was not the case. They were all so flowey and gushy and metaphorical. And, okay, you know I’m pissed because It's not really fair.
So, now I shall continue through the books I own. I have quite a variety, so we are sure not to be disappointed. Maybe I’m going to take a break from things I don’t get, like fantasy books, for a while, though.
Spoiler
laser eyesSpoiler
his eyes just turn redSpoiler
laser eyesAnd the battles were all really Power Rangers to me, too. But, what if David Rees re-wrote the story? Darien’s would basically look like this:
Yeah. If David Rees had written this book, I would have liked it. As it is, I really can’t think of anything I like about it. I totally can’t handle the kid who is in love with the pegacorn (pegasus + unicorn – bred for its skills in disgusting, gory mass-murder, while it whispers sweet nothings to little boys).
I started off iffy on the Camelot story, anyway, and at the start of this book I was officially persuaded of the benefits of ménage a trois in some relationships. Like, they’re all in love with each other. What is the problem? I’m not being snide. Really, what is the problem? I think I’m supposed to feel some kind of tension that I don’t feel. I mean, I get the problem in the original Camelot story, but not in this one.
I’m a bad fantasy reader. That’s what this really comes down to. I need stories like this to either be really short and action packed, or to have a little sense of humor. I find the earnestness of fantasy to be dreary and shallow. I don’t know, was Power Rangers supposed to be a little funny, or at least facetious? I was a little too old for it, so it just seemed loud and obnoxious to me. Maybe I didn’t get it like I don’t get this. But, I don’t get this.
And THEN at the end
Spoiler
when the WHOLE Camelot crew gets on the boat that’s supposed to only hold one person? That was silly. But, also, where were they going? They were going to the “Weaver’s side” right? Wouldn’t it just be faster for someone to axe them in the head? That’s what the Weaver’s side is, right?Also, it was pretty easy the way Satan’s baby killed him. I don’t know. It was just convenient after a looooooong wait of flying around in forests and like, “Should I be eeevil? Should I be good? I don’t knoooooow!” Whatever. If I had laser eyes, I would probably spend more time perfecting x-ray vision and less time being a loser than people with laser eyes seem to do. Maybe laser eyes would make me really angsty, too. I don’t know. I don’t see the correlation.
And, I’m sorry, but forget the ménage a trois idea because, actually, every single person in this book just wants to give every other person in this book a BJ. They’re just all completely interchangeable. They got flatter and flatter and flatter until at the end it’s a bunch of literary crepes walking around complimenting the other crepes on their fighting style. Like this, but not funny:
I’m sure I was supposed to be so in love with the characters that their every move stirred passion within me, but that was not the case. They were all so flowey and gushy and metaphorical. And, okay, you know I’m pissed because
Spoiler
what’s his face, the rake prince guy, dies. But, you pretty much knew he was going to die from book one. I was more surprised that he made it this long. Super gross that he sacrificed himself for the booooooooring Camelot people, when he was not boring. That’s another thing. I know there were stars in Arthur’s eyes, but how did that look to you? In my imagination, it made his head look like a giant slot machine that kept coming up stars. I don’t think this was the author’s intent. Anyway, it didn’t bug me sooo much that the prince died, but it did bug me that when everyone was making out at the end, they didn’t even mention the princess. And, really, you can bring EVERYBODY back to life with unexpected magic skills, EXCEPT the character I like?So, now I shall continue through the books I own. I have quite a variety, so we are sure not to be disappointed. Maybe I’m going to take a break from things I don’t get, like fantasy books, for a while, though.