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sedeara 's review for:
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
by Lori Gottlieb
So, despite the fact that the feminists hated this book, I gave it four stars. And here comes my justification.
Like most of those who criticize the book, I was less than thrilled with Gottlieb's depiction of remaining single as the worst-possible-outcome. To be really fair and well-rounded, the book should have given at least a passing acknowledgment that a miserable marriage is an equally appalling, and in many cases, worse, outcome. Still, this book does NOT advocate coupling up at all costs, which is why I let it off the hook. Instead, it serves as a wakeup call to women to start looking for more realistic relationships and to focus on qualities that REALLY matter -- such as generosity, kindness, and honesty -- over superficial qualities such as height, favorite types of music, etc. It's other bit of "wake-up call" mentality reminds women that they aren't perfect, either, so it's not fair to expect their partner to be (I know, shocker, right?).
The "want-to-have-it-all" women depicted in this book, women who dumped men for not having seen their favorite movies (um, why not suggest watching it together) or for having nose hairs that were too long, did feel a little extreme to me. Gottlieb herself is incredibly bold in what she's willing to reveal about her own ridiculous hang-ups (she doesn't want to date someone who's short or into sci-fi -- fine by me, all the more sci-fi dudes for me!). And although she does come across as demanding, unrealistic, and whiny at times, I also admire her willingness to put all those faults out on display.
So while I didn't wholly relate to her -- I never have been in search of perfection -- I still couldn't put this book down. The examination of what mattered in long-term happy relationships vs. what didn't was fascinating and drew upon psychology, spirituality, and other relationship "experts" (maybe a few too many "matchmakers.") There's also a healthy dose of reality vs. the "longer you wait, the better the spouse you'll end up with" mentality. In actuality, the most desirable spouses will often be the "first to go," and the pool of possibility will continue to get smaller over time. This isn't to say that you should settle, of course, but only that you need to be aware of this reality's potential to affect you.
It's also important to note that, despite the title, this book does not advocate "settling", or staying in a relationship that is unhealthy or makes you unhappy. And comparisons to previous anti-feminist dating books like "The Rules" are really unfair, as the book doesn't encourage changing who you are or how you act to be in a relationship, either. Instead, it drives home the idea that, if you've found a guy that has 80% of what you want, that's a catch--not someone worth throwing back for that perfect 100%. Because in actuality, perfect people don't exist. Well, duh. But sometimes it takes a whole book to get that into some people's heads.
Like most of those who criticize the book, I was less than thrilled with Gottlieb's depiction of remaining single as the worst-possible-outcome. To be really fair and well-rounded, the book should have given at least a passing acknowledgment that a miserable marriage is an equally appalling, and in many cases, worse, outcome. Still, this book does NOT advocate coupling up at all costs, which is why I let it off the hook. Instead, it serves as a wakeup call to women to start looking for more realistic relationships and to focus on qualities that REALLY matter -- such as generosity, kindness, and honesty -- over superficial qualities such as height, favorite types of music, etc. It's other bit of "wake-up call" mentality reminds women that they aren't perfect, either, so it's not fair to expect their partner to be (I know, shocker, right?).
The "want-to-have-it-all" women depicted in this book, women who dumped men for not having seen their favorite movies (um, why not suggest watching it together) or for having nose hairs that were too long, did feel a little extreme to me. Gottlieb herself is incredibly bold in what she's willing to reveal about her own ridiculous hang-ups (she doesn't want to date someone who's short or into sci-fi -- fine by me, all the more sci-fi dudes for me!). And although she does come across as demanding, unrealistic, and whiny at times, I also admire her willingness to put all those faults out on display.
So while I didn't wholly relate to her -- I never have been in search of perfection -- I still couldn't put this book down. The examination of what mattered in long-term happy relationships vs. what didn't was fascinating and drew upon psychology, spirituality, and other relationship "experts" (maybe a few too many "matchmakers.") There's also a healthy dose of reality vs. the "longer you wait, the better the spouse you'll end up with" mentality. In actuality, the most desirable spouses will often be the "first to go," and the pool of possibility will continue to get smaller over time. This isn't to say that you should settle, of course, but only that you need to be aware of this reality's potential to affect you.
It's also important to note that, despite the title, this book does not advocate "settling", or staying in a relationship that is unhealthy or makes you unhappy. And comparisons to previous anti-feminist dating books like "The Rules" are really unfair, as the book doesn't encourage changing who you are or how you act to be in a relationship, either. Instead, it drives home the idea that, if you've found a guy that has 80% of what you want, that's a catch--not someone worth throwing back for that perfect 100%. Because in actuality, perfect people don't exist. Well, duh. But sometimes it takes a whole book to get that into some people's heads.