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dollangengar 's review for:
Youngman: Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan
by Lou Sullivan, Zach Ozma, Ellis Martin
emotional
inspiring
sad
medium-paced
«i wanna look like what i am but i don’t know what someone like me looks like. when people look at me i want them to think ‘there’s one of those people that has their own interpretation of happiness. that’s what i am.»
i don’t know where to start. this is probably my favorite book ever and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to forget it (even because i keep coming back to it even after finishing it). i began reading this book when i started questioning wether i should’ve started hormones replacement therapy (HRT) or not. i knew i was trans, i knew i was attracted to men in a gay way, but starting HRT? that would’ve made me feel so fucking lonely.
«she asked why i abandoned my pursuit of the switch-over and i told her because i felt smothered by my own fantasy. that as a man i felt whole inside but uncomfortable on the outside, trying to communicate with others etc. as a female i feel empty inside but feel freer to relate to others.»
ouch, that hurt while reading it the first time (even the second and third etc.). he put my thoughts into words and i felt incredibly seen. people – cishet people – are always telling us how trans folks “just know” since the beginning they’re trans and that they don’t question it. bullshit. we question it all the fucking time. because it’s hard to be trans in a society where they want us dead and it’s hard to feel like you need to lose people to be happy. they force us to be someone we are not, keeping us in these weird and uncomfortable boxes just because they can’t get us.
«he says that if i were to switch over it still wouldn’t solve my social identity probably because, like him, i don’t know how to be a typical male, that i’ll never dress like everyone else or act like everyone else. no matter what, i’ll never fit in with either the male or the female scene.»
the truth is — lou understood it later and so did i — there is no right way to be a man or a woman. society puts a lot of pressure on men on how they have to behave or dress or simply be, they do this with cis men and they do this even more with trans men. high standards and even worse stereotypes... because trans men can’t be gay, right? they’re all straight! that’s what everyone thought — and they still think it, cough mom please read this book cough.
«what can become of a girl whose real desire and passion is with male homosexuals. that i want to be one. that i fancy my boyfriend to be one and i pretend i’m a man when we make love.»
and what can become of a trans man who was forced to believe he couldn’t be a man loving other men? here comes internalized homophobia and transphobia. i’m sure queer trans folks get me on this.
«i’m such a gross pig and i have to make boys be heterosexual to have sex with them. how do i describe that i device myself all day and night that i’m a boy and feel i am even though i’m not passing in society?»
lou fortunately didn’t make gay men “heterosexuals” to be with them. he found plenty of gay men attracted to him. he also found awful ones.
«he said my ambiguity was one of the few things that made me ‘interesting’. afterwards i cried while talking with charles about it, saying i don’t want to be interesting, i want to be happy.»
happy. what a tricky word. i don’t know if lou was happy, i think i dealt with too much trouble in his life, too much sorrow. but i still think he was satisfied.
«it really hasn’t hit me that i am about to die. i see the grief around me, but inside i feel serene and a certain kind of peace. my whole life i’ve wanted to be a gay man and it’s kind of an honor to die from the gay men’s disease.»
«they told me at the gender clinic that i could not live as a gay man, but it looks like i will die as one.»
he was ready to die... but i wasn’t ready to let him. i held tight to those 100 pages left because i just couldn’t let go. i felt like i was truly giving up a piece of myself. everytime i was upset or angry or sad i’d read this book, knowing i would’ve found someone that could get me. but if i finished it? what would i do? but then he wrote this:
«i am truly actualizing all the dreams i had for myself while young, to be a man, to be a gay man, to be a published writer. that is why I'm feel at peace with my impeding death. it’s okay.»
it’s okay. i kept telling myself this. i could let go. i read the last few pages left and i felt alone. i envisioned my life and my future through his, but know that his life was ended, what was left of me? my life was just starting.
the next day i finished this book my clinic called saying i can start HRT.
it’s okay. it’s going to be okay.
at the start of his journey, lou said he didn’t know if there were people like him out there, that if he published a book he didn’t know if people would read it or how they would benefit. i think this book helped a lot of people. his life helped a lot of trans men. it’s thanks to him that i can say i am a man loving men and that this doesn’t take anything away from my identity.
so thank you.
“i’m sure there’s a lot more i should be writing, but i’m gonna sign off here.”
i don’t know where to start. this is probably my favorite book ever and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to forget it (even because i keep coming back to it even after finishing it). i began reading this book when i started questioning wether i should’ve started hormones replacement therapy (HRT) or not. i knew i was trans, i knew i was attracted to men in a gay way, but starting HRT? that would’ve made me feel so fucking lonely.
«she asked why i abandoned my pursuit of the switch-over and i told her because i felt smothered by my own fantasy. that as a man i felt whole inside but uncomfortable on the outside, trying to communicate with others etc. as a female i feel empty inside but feel freer to relate to others.»
ouch, that hurt while reading it the first time (even the second and third etc.). he put my thoughts into words and i felt incredibly seen. people – cishet people – are always telling us how trans folks “just know” since the beginning they’re trans and that they don’t question it. bullshit. we question it all the fucking time. because it’s hard to be trans in a society where they want us dead and it’s hard to feel like you need to lose people to be happy. they force us to be someone we are not, keeping us in these weird and uncomfortable boxes just because they can’t get us.
«he says that if i were to switch over it still wouldn’t solve my social identity probably because, like him, i don’t know how to be a typical male, that i’ll never dress like everyone else or act like everyone else. no matter what, i’ll never fit in with either the male or the female scene.»
the truth is — lou understood it later and so did i — there is no right way to be a man or a woman. society puts a lot of pressure on men on how they have to behave or dress or simply be, they do this with cis men and they do this even more with trans men. high standards and even worse stereotypes... because trans men can’t be gay, right? they’re all straight! that’s what everyone thought — and they still think it, cough mom please read this book cough.
«what can become of a girl whose real desire and passion is with male homosexuals. that i want to be one. that i fancy my boyfriend to be one and i pretend i’m a man when we make love.»
and what can become of a trans man who was forced to believe he couldn’t be a man loving other men? here comes internalized homophobia and transphobia. i’m sure queer trans folks get me on this.
«i’m such a gross pig and i have to make boys be heterosexual to have sex with them. how do i describe that i device myself all day and night that i’m a boy and feel i am even though i’m not passing in society?»
lou fortunately didn’t make gay men “heterosexuals” to be with them. he found plenty of gay men attracted to him. he also found awful ones.
«he said my ambiguity was one of the few things that made me ‘interesting’. afterwards i cried while talking with charles about it, saying i don’t want to be interesting, i want to be happy.»
happy. what a tricky word. i don’t know if lou was happy, i think i dealt with too much trouble in his life, too much sorrow. but i still think he was satisfied.
«it really hasn’t hit me that i am about to die. i see the grief around me, but inside i feel serene and a certain kind of peace. my whole life i’ve wanted to be a gay man and it’s kind of an honor to die from the gay men’s disease.»
«they told me at the gender clinic that i could not live as a gay man, but it looks like i will die as one.»
he was ready to die... but i wasn’t ready to let him. i held tight to those 100 pages left because i just couldn’t let go. i felt like i was truly giving up a piece of myself. everytime i was upset or angry or sad i’d read this book, knowing i would’ve found someone that could get me. but if i finished it? what would i do? but then he wrote this:
«i am truly actualizing all the dreams i had for myself while young, to be a man, to be a gay man, to be a published writer. that is why I'm feel at peace with my impeding death. it’s okay.»
it’s okay. i kept telling myself this. i could let go. i read the last few pages left and i felt alone. i envisioned my life and my future through his, but know that his life was ended, what was left of me? my life was just starting.
the next day i finished this book my clinic called saying i can start HRT.
it’s okay. it’s going to be okay.
at the start of his journey, lou said he didn’t know if there were people like him out there, that if he published a book he didn’t know if people would read it or how they would benefit. i think this book helped a lot of people. his life helped a lot of trans men. it’s thanks to him that i can say i am a man loving men and that this doesn’t take anything away from my identity.
so thank you.
“i’m sure there’s a lot more i should be writing, but i’m gonna sign off here.”