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cassafrassandfries 's review for:
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
by Lori Gottlieb
funny
informative
medium-paced
I read this for free on my Kindle using the Libby App and my Carnegie Library Card. I have to preface this by saying that I did not read this in the context of my own relationship - he rocks and the idea of “settling” does not apply here. That aside, I’ve heard the author speak on several podcasts I listen to and wanted to try one of her books. It took me a while to read this, in part because the topic of dating isn’t necessarily a super engaging topic for me (as someone who is already in a long-term relationship), but mostly, it took me so long because I accidentally had this returned to the library when I was like 80% done… and then had to wait for my hold to come back around (I guess this is a con of library e-book renting).
First of all, the title is a little misleading. It’s a well-done attention grabber and I can’t judge for that. However, the focus of the book isn’t really on settling, it’s more so on expectations. If I had read this 10 years ago, I probably would have hated this. And there’s a part of me that still does. However, the part that has cohabitated with another person for 6 years appreciates how important a book like this is to help reevaluate your relationship patterns and your expectations surrounding your relationships. I think a great quote from this that sums up the overarching point of the book is this:
“The biggest predictor I’ve seen of whether a marriage will work has nothing to do with sparks, but how similar two people’s expectations are. If they have very different expectations in the marriage, or very different upbringings that they haven’t really worked through, it’s going to be a struggle. And I actually think that kindness, long-term, is the most useful—and overlooked—quality people should be looking for.”
Ironically, the quote came from a rabbi that the author interviewed, not the author herself. But the idea of evaluating your expectations in relationships (platonic and romantic) is really what stands out as the overarching conclusion here. Lori Gottlieb is blunt and, at times, brutally realistic. She presents a lot of numbers and statistics on dating as women age, and the big picture isn’t necessarily pretty. She also doesn’t end the book with her own love story, as one might expect (she does warn you of that from the first chapter), and I found that a little refreshing. Along with the very realistic portrait of dating as you age, she presents dating anecdotes and stories of her own and of others - peppering the book with some much needed humanity, at times adding levity and at times grounding the conversation. Ultimately, I enjoyed her writing and found it easy to engage with, but found her brutal realism to teeter on scare tactics. I hate that idea that we should all be petrified to end up single gasp and that we will only find true happiness if we lock someone down early on in our adult life. I think this is a pretty heteronormative view on finding a partner to spend your life with, and found myself frequently feeling a little ‘uncomfy’ (for lack of a better term) while reading passages of this. I do however recognize that I exist in a pretty heteronormative life and have the privilege of living with a partner who is great… so… there’s probably some bias there.
All in all, I’m glad I read it. I think it made me question some of my own practices in my relationships, and reaffirmed that I am not looking for a lover from one of the many romance novels I enjoy, but a partner who will provide support through the realities of life, and someone to grow with and build a life with. I would certainly recommend this to others, young and old, and would LOVE to hear someone’s take on this who’s been married for a while. I don’t think this 2010 book has aged super well, but perhaps that’s something interesting to think about in itself.