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A review by kaylinwriter14
The Courtship of Princess Leia by Dave Wolverton
1.0
To call this fanfiction is an insult to fanfiction
And somehow this book is on so many "best-of-Star-Wars Expanded Universe" lists, and everyone's all nostalgic about it??
Look at it:
Let's examine the main elements of this cover.
- Han Solo in a turtleneck
- Princess Leia in a wedding dress that doesn't look like it's going to stay on
- R2D2 and some stormtroopers looking lost as heck (there are no stormtroopers in the book)
- Alien Micheal Bolton
I should have known better. I really should have. But child-me shipped Han and Leia before I knew what shipping was and I just wanted a fun, cute story about them, okay?? Instead we got this: (spoilers? Does anyone care?)
Our story starts with Alien Micheal Bolton proposing to Leia
Apparently his name is Isolder and he's a prince of this super fabulous and rich planet system. He saw her once and thought she was hot, so he brings her ships full of gold and proposes to her on some business meeting being live streamed to all of the New Republic
(Why don't people ever see me once, decide they love me and bring me copious amounts of gold?)
Jedi Luke is on some space roadtrip
For literally the entire first 100 pages. I don't remember where he was going, I'm not sure he knew. He just kept talking to R2 and setting a new course
Despite being in a relationship with Han Solo, Leia seriously considers Alien Micheal's proposal
(After she accepts the gold of course.) But she gives neither of them an answer and they have numerous allegorical dick-measuring contests and fight over her.
Han gets insecure and decides to play some space card game to win enough money to impress Leia
His winning hand consisted of "the two of sabers, the Evil One and the Idiot"
He wins a planet. Because plot.
After less than 30 pages, Leia decides she no longer loves Han and wants to marry Micheal Bolton
Page 37: "Look, I don't know why people would even think that I'd marry the prince. So don't listen to them. Listen to me. I love you for what you are--remember? A rebel, a scoundrel, a braggart. That won't ever change."
Page 53: Leia found herself crying, had never really imagined that she would let something like this happen. But at that moment, whatever attachment she had ever felt for Han suddenly seemed to become as insubstantial as fog, as a gentle white mist, and Isolder was the sun, burning it all away. With tears running down her cheeks she tangled her arms around Isolder and promised, "I'll come with you!"
Han doesn't react to this news well, and instead stuns Leia with his gun, locks her in the cargo bay of the Falcon and flies to the planet he won.
Umm... where is the Han who calmly faced possible death with an "I know" and told Chewie to look after Leia? And was going to leave and let Luke and Leia be together (before he learned about that ancient plot twist in Ep. VI). This is all so out of character and creepy.
Luke feels a disturbance, comes back from his roadtrip and teams up with Micheal Bolton
Micheal turns into Menelaus after Helen runs off with Paris and vows to get "his" woman back. Luke goes with him, because Micheal has a scary empress mommy who wants to kill Han.
Han and Leia crash land on 'his' planet and end up camping in the jungle for like 100 pages
And hiding from big scary creatures.
(Did I mention Han takes Chewie and C3PO with him when he kidnaps Leia?? Because apparently to reignite the flame of romance, you need your Wookiee best friend and protocol droid)
Of course, they become prisoners who are fought over by force-witches and some warlord.
"We'll be very happy to pry those answers out of you-- along with your toenails--during your interrogation!"
While looking for the prisoners, Luke decides Micheal is force-sensitive
This leads to several chapters of Luke "probing" him about his past, making him cry and sing, and then ultimately being kidnapped by another group of "force-witches"
Luke bonds with Teneniel, one of the witches, and they discover an old Jedi temple
This includes a montage where Luke is revealed to be so powerful he no longer sweats, can carry women miles in the woods, and heal most wounds.
Teneniel also declares Michael Bolton her slave, and reports her society of witches are allowed to buy and sell men.
Han sells his planet back to his kidnappers, in exchange for Leia's hand in marriage
But the witches say they won't force her hand, and instead Threepio attempts to persuade her through song and dance.
(I swear I wish I was making this up)
Then, as if realizing there's plot to resolve, the last 100 pages are confusing and rushed battle scenes
I'm still not sure who was fighting who or what the tactics were, but our guys win so yay?
(Somehow it involves Han strapping a detonator on himself and marching into some war meeting. Leia finds this all really mature and hot)
Han and Leia decide they are in love again
(Assault and kidnapping be damned!)
Alas, Alien Micheal Bolton, it was not meant to be.
(But for real, the suicide bomber thing really turns her on)
Side note: is it a good idea to make out while someone HAS A BOMB STRAPPED TO THEM? Because it seems like a FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED course of action.
Don't feel too bad for Micheal, because he decides to marry the witch who claimed him as a slave
Because he's into that, apparently.
Han and Leia get married without ever having a real conversation the entire book
Han does yell out "Kiss my Wookiee!" in battle, and after that, are words really needed?
In Conclusion:
Idk man, this was more of a recap than a review because I'm still trying to process everything. Hands down one of the most poorly written, horribly constructed and ooc messes I've ever read-- but it was also one of the most fun and I laughed so hard??
And somehow this book is on so many "best-of-Star-Wars Expanded Universe" lists, and everyone's all nostalgic about it??
Look at it:
Let's examine the main elements of this cover.
- Han Solo in a turtleneck
- Princess Leia in a wedding dress that doesn't look like it's going to stay on
- R2D2 and some stormtroopers looking lost as heck (there are no stormtroopers in the book)
- Alien Micheal Bolton
I should have known better. I really should have. But child-me shipped Han and Leia before I knew what shipping was and I just wanted a fun, cute story about them, okay?? Instead we got this: (spoilers? Does anyone care?)
Our story starts with Alien Micheal Bolton proposing to Leia
Apparently his name is Isolder and he's a prince of this super fabulous and rich planet system. He saw her once and thought she was hot, so he brings her ships full of gold and proposes to her on some business meeting being live streamed to all of the New Republic
(Why don't people ever see me once, decide they love me and bring me copious amounts of gold?)
Jedi Luke is on some space roadtrip
For literally the entire first 100 pages. I don't remember where he was going, I'm not sure he knew. He just kept talking to R2 and setting a new course
Despite being in a relationship with Han Solo, Leia seriously considers Alien Micheal's proposal
(After she accepts the gold of course.) But she gives neither of them an answer and they have numerous allegorical dick-measuring contests and fight over her.
"General Solo, what can you really offer Leia?"
"She loves me and I love her. That's enough."
"If you love her, then leave her to me!"
"Well, lets see..." Threepio said. "Isolder is extremely wealthy, generous, well-mannered, and-- at least by human standards--attractive. So now all we have to do is see what you have to offer that he doesn't have." Threepio searched his files for several moments, overheating his memory drives. "Oh dear! I see your problem!"
Han gets insecure and decides to play some space card game to win enough money to impress Leia
His winning hand consisted of "the two of sabers, the Evil One and the Idiot"
He wins a planet. Because plot.
After less than 30 pages, Leia decides she no longer loves Han and wants to marry Micheal Bolton
Page 37: "Look, I don't know why people would even think that I'd marry the prince. So don't listen to them. Listen to me. I love you for what you are--remember? A rebel, a scoundrel, a braggart. That won't ever change."
Page 53: Leia found herself crying, had never really imagined that she would let something like this happen. But at that moment, whatever attachment she had ever felt for Han suddenly seemed to become as insubstantial as fog, as a gentle white mist, and Isolder was the sun, burning it all away. With tears running down her cheeks she tangled her arms around Isolder and promised, "I'll come with you!"
Han doesn't react to this news well, and instead stuns Leia with his gun, locks her in the cargo bay of the Falcon and flies to the planet he won.
"You used to love me. You believed it, and you made me believe it. I thought our love was something special, something I would gladly die for, and I'm not going to throw away our future just because some other prince comes along.
Umm... where is the Han who calmly faced possible death with an "I know" and told Chewie to look after Leia? And was going to leave and let Luke and Leia be together (before he learned about that ancient plot twist in Ep. VI). This is all so out of character and creepy.
Luke feels a disturbance, comes back from his roadtrip and teams up with Micheal Bolton
Micheal turns into Menelaus after Helen runs off with Paris and vows to get "his" woman back. Luke goes with him, because Micheal has a scary empress mommy who wants to kill Han.
Han and Leia crash land on 'his' planet and end up camping in the jungle for like 100 pages
And hiding from big scary creatures.
"Come on, come on, you guys!" Han said. "Let's have an organized retreat here."
"Fine," Threepio said, "you organize while I retreat."
(Did I mention Han takes Chewie and C3PO with him when he kidnaps Leia?? Because apparently to reignite the flame of romance, you need your Wookiee best friend and protocol droid)
Of course, they become prisoners who are fought over by force-witches and some warlord.
"We'll be very happy to pry those answers out of you-- along with your toenails--during your interrogation!"
While looking for the prisoners, Luke decides Micheal is force-sensitive
This leads to several chapters of Luke "probing" him about his past, making him cry and sing, and then ultimately being kidnapped by another group of "force-witches"
Luke bonds with Teneniel, one of the witches, and they discover an old Jedi temple
This includes a montage where Luke is revealed to be so powerful he no longer sweats, can carry women miles in the woods, and heal most wounds.
Teneniel also declares Michael Bolton her slave, and reports her society of witches are allowed to buy and sell men.
Han sells his planet back to his kidnappers, in exchange for Leia's hand in marriage
But the witches say they won't force her hand, and instead Threepio attempts to persuade her through song and dance.
"He's got his own planet
Although it's kind of wild.
Wookiee's love him.
Women love him.
He's got a winning smile!
Though he may seem cool and cocky,
He's more sensitive than he seems,
(Chorus sung in accompaniment with three women who all sound like Leia)
Han Solo,
What a man! Solo.
He's every princess's dream!"
(I swear I wish I was making this up)
Then, as if realizing there's plot to resolve, the last 100 pages are confusing and rushed battle scenes
I'm still not sure who was fighting who or what the tactics were, but our guys win so yay?
(Somehow it involves Han strapping a detonator on himself and marching into some war meeting. Leia finds this all really mature and hot)
Han and Leia decide they are in love again
(Assault and kidnapping be damned!)
"Han bent down and kissed her fiercely, passionately, and the blood thundered in her ears. Leia suddenly realized how much she had missed this, missed feeling such raw, elemental fervor for a man.
Alas, Alien Micheal Bolton, it was not meant to be.
(But for real, the suicide bomber thing really turns her on)
"I've got to say, you really look good with a bomb strapped to you."
Side note: is it a good idea to make out while someone HAS A BOMB STRAPPED TO THEM? Because it seems like a FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED course of action.
Don't feel too bad for Micheal, because he decides to marry the witch who claimed him as a slave
Because he's into that, apparently.
Han and Leia get married without ever having a real conversation the entire book
Han does yell out "Kiss my Wookiee!" in battle, and after that, are words really needed?
In Conclusion:
Idk man, this was more of a recap than a review because I'm still trying to process everything. Hands down one of the most poorly written, horribly constructed and ooc messes I've ever read-- but it was also one of the most fun and I laughed so hard??