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himpersonal 's review for:
Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture
by Roxane Gay
challenging
emotional
informative
sad
fast-paced
This book is heart breaking, but I think it's a book all girls should read before they start college (or thereabouts in age). It's always bothered me that women are the ones punished for the crimes against us. Men are often let go with little to no consequence, and even when there are convictions, we as the victims/survivors must live with the pain, the judgement, the question marks, the insecurities, the shame, the fear, the stigma, the self doubt, the confusion, the violence. 20% of women in the US are/will be raped in our lifetimes. That's a statistic based on reported cases. So many more go unreported.
Roxane Gay has written extensively about rape because it happened to her. It wasn't an "ordinary" rape either. She was gang raped at age TWELVE. It has shaped every part of who she is today and every choice and every relationship she has had/not had since then.
The first story in the book sums up the problem in many ways - a writing teacher has to point out to students who write about rape that they are writing about rape/sexual assault, and the students, particularly the boys, didn't even know that they were. Sex without consent is rape. Yet, even this statement is problematic because so many girls don't know that they can say No, because so many boys don't know what No sounds like even when a girl says No, because so many men don't care about No, because media (books, movies, TV shows, web shows, social media, etc.) continue to perpetuate a rape culture that makes us numb to the horrors of rape. How many times have we witnessed it in our own lives through media, and unless it's violence is prolonged and graphic, often we count it as "entertainment."
I think this book is very necessary to wake our conscious minds into being alert, into taking action, into educating our children, into learning self defense, into practicing our No's to be heard and taken seriously.
Reading this book makes me grateful that what happened to me "was not that bad" and that I have never had children. Reading this book reminds me the world is a scary place and that I still need to protect all the girls and all my girlfriends (gender inclusive of anyone other than cis-male).
I also appreciate this book because it includes stories from a diverse demographic, including age, ethnicity, and gender.
PS, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I went to Mount Holyoke and heard in my first few days that saying referenced by one of the women telling her story that she was also told "Smith to bed and Mount Holyoke to wed," that I felt both a little proud and a little safer. (Mount Holyoke and Smith were the first two colleges in the US that admitted women and were the forming institutions of the Seven Sisters network.) Oh my naivete! To the women attending these schools - do not repeat it, do not believe it - please!
Roxane Gay has written extensively about rape because it happened to her. It wasn't an "ordinary" rape either. She was gang raped at age TWELVE. It has shaped every part of who she is today and every choice and every relationship she has had/not had since then.
The first story in the book sums up the problem in many ways - a writing teacher has to point out to students who write about rape that they are writing about rape/sexual assault, and the students, particularly the boys, didn't even know that they were. Sex without consent is rape. Yet, even this statement is problematic because so many girls don't know that they can say No, because so many boys don't know what No sounds like even when a girl says No, because so many men don't care about No, because media (books, movies, TV shows, web shows, social media, etc.) continue to perpetuate a rape culture that makes us numb to the horrors of rape. How many times have we witnessed it in our own lives through media, and unless it's violence is prolonged and graphic, often we count it as "entertainment."
I think this book is very necessary to wake our conscious minds into being alert, into taking action, into educating our children, into learning self defense, into practicing our No's to be heard and taken seriously.
Reading this book makes me grateful that what happened to me "was not that bad" and that I have never had children. Reading this book reminds me the world is a scary place and that I still need to protect all the girls and all my girlfriends (gender inclusive of anyone other than cis-male).
I also appreciate this book because it includes stories from a diverse demographic, including age, ethnicity, and gender.
PS, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I went to Mount Holyoke and heard in my first few days that saying referenced by one of the women telling her story that she was also told "Smith to bed and Mount Holyoke to wed," that I felt both a little proud and a little safer. (Mount Holyoke and Smith were the first two colleges in the US that admitted women and were the forming institutions of the Seven Sisters network.) Oh my naivete! To the women attending these schools - do not repeat it, do not believe it - please!
Content Warnings
Graphic: Body shaming, Bullying, Child abuse, Confinement, Emotional abuse, Fatphobia, Incest, Misogyny, Panic attacks/disorders, Physical abuse, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual violence, Torture, Violence, Blood, Vomit, Grief, Gaslighting, Alcohol, Sexual harassment, Injury/Injury detail