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A review by isabellarobinson7
Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Pearl and Sir Orfeo by J.R.R. Tolkien
Rating: ?? stars
Tolkien may have translated these poems for his “modern” reader, but I will translate it for the super modern reader, in that being the one with no attention span who gets bored of a video is longer than 15 seconds. (I find it humorous to retell ancient texts in a modern way, but if you find that sacrilegious, then please move on to the next review as the following content may offend.) So here we go:
All the people from Monty Python and the Holy Grail are having Christmas dinner. Then this dude comes in all in green (every suit of armour in this poem is rigorously described) and says to the table, "anyone can cut me anywhere with my axe, and then next year come and find me and I will do the same blow to you." No one immediately volunteers, so Gawain steps up and just lobs the guy's head off, probably thinking "yeah, try doing that to me in a year". But to everyone's surprise, the dude just picks his head back up and says "cool, see you next Christmas" and leaves.
Because of knight honour and chivalry and stuff, the next year Gawain goes to find the Green Knight as promised. On his way he stays at some other court, and the Lady there tries to seduce, but he says "no, I love Jesus" and so she leaves without sexy times, though does manage to kiss him. But then (plot twist) Gawain goes and kisses her husband the next day, so that somehow makes it better (because apparently that makes Jesus okay with it and it doesn't count as cheating). This seducing thing happens more times, and Gawain just keeps saying no to sex, before kissing the wife and then kissing the husband the next morning. They also go hunting and it is rather explicitly described, so maybe they should have a vegan edition where they cut out those scenes, or mow some grass instead or something.
Then Christmas comes and Gawain goes to get his head cut off, because he is still bound by knightly duty and things. He meets the Green Knight/Headless Horseman, but just as Gawain is about to lose his head, the knight stops and is like "yo, those were some mighty fine kisses, mate" because (dun dun dun) it is the Lord from the court! He is so impressed that Gawain didn't give in to his wife's advances, (which were his idea) that he generously sends Gawain back to Arthur in one peace. The end.
There are also two other poems in this collection, one is called Pearl and is about a dude who is so sad about losing his pearl that he falls asleep and has a fever dream where the pearl is alive and is talking to him (I'm pretty sure that's what happened, but reading that back it does sound a bit strange), and the other is called Sir Orfeo, which is kind of a Celtic retelling of Orpheus and Eurydice were a king loses his wife to a fairy dude and is really sad about it (but I don't think he plays any music).
Tolkien may have translated these poems for his “modern” reader, but I will translate it for the super modern reader, in that being the one with no attention span who gets bored of a video is longer than 15 seconds. (I find it humorous to retell ancient texts in a modern way, but if you find that sacrilegious, then please move on to the next review as the following content may offend.) So here we go:
All the people from Monty Python and the Holy Grail are having Christmas dinner. Then this dude comes in all in green (every suit of armour in this poem is rigorously described) and says to the table, "anyone can cut me anywhere with my axe, and then next year come and find me and I will do the same blow to you." No one immediately volunteers, so Gawain steps up and just lobs the guy's head off, probably thinking "yeah, try doing that to me in a year". But to everyone's surprise, the dude just picks his head back up and says "cool, see you next Christmas" and leaves.
Because of knight honour and chivalry and stuff, the next year Gawain goes to find the Green Knight as promised. On his way he stays at some other court, and the Lady there tries to seduce, but he says "no, I love Jesus" and so she leaves without sexy times, though does manage to kiss him. But then (plot twist) Gawain goes and kisses her husband the next day, so that somehow makes it better (because apparently that makes Jesus okay with it and it doesn't count as cheating). This seducing thing happens more times, and Gawain just keeps saying no to sex, before kissing the wife and then kissing the husband the next morning. They also go hunting and it is rather explicitly described, so maybe they should have a vegan edition where they cut out those scenes, or mow some grass instead or something.
Then Christmas comes and Gawain goes to get his head cut off, because he is still bound by knightly duty and things. He meets the Green Knight/Headless Horseman, but just as Gawain is about to lose his head, the knight stops and is like "yo, those were some mighty fine kisses, mate" because (dun dun dun) it is the Lord from the court! He is so impressed that Gawain didn't give in to his wife's advances, (which were his idea) that he generously sends Gawain back to Arthur in one peace. The end.
There are also two other poems in this collection, one is called Pearl and is about a dude who is so sad about losing his pearl that he falls asleep and has a fever dream where the pearl is alive and is talking to him (I'm pretty sure that's what happened, but reading that back it does sound a bit strange), and the other is called Sir Orfeo, which is kind of a Celtic retelling of Orpheus and Eurydice were a king loses his wife to a fairy dude and is really sad about it (but I don't think he plays any music).