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A review by jacksafox
Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook by Kitty Stryker
5.0
I really enjoyed this workbook, and found it an insightful and nuanced jumping-off point for discussing consent in *all* my relationships. I think it's something I'll return to and refer to periodically, as my own understanding and relationships continue to evolve, and I love that the open-ended framework that's more questions than answers allows for that.
Some of the nuances I really appreciated in Kitty's writing:
- Kitty's emphasis on 'not having all the answers', and how that's demonstrated by the excerpts from different contributors that often contradict one another in where they've settled on an issue/question.
- Kitty's framing of consent as not just sexual or interpersonal, but ALWAYS grounded in systems of power, meaning we can never achieve "true/total" consent but CAN be mindful of the systems operating on/through us.
- The space the workbook allowed for pain & healing around the times you've just "not felt able to say no" or realized you changed your mind halfway through something, or just really *wanted* to enjoy something even if you didn't, and the guilt that comes with that as a 'consent is sexy' kinky person -- and how ill-equipped we as communities often are to navigate that in helpful ways.
- Inviting us to consider limits & boundaries as 'challenge' vs 'injury' -- when is it helpful to "push outside our comfort zone" versus when would it be harmful?
- How conversations around consent often skip over the complexities of the victim/abuser labels, and is often used as a "fear to avoid violation" like a boogeyman, rather than something positive to be centered.
- I LOVED the much-neglected space for discussion of understanding and processing rejection & the feelings that might come up for you when you receive a "no", and how to hold space for that without detracting from how crucial consent remains.
- Several catchy easy-to-remember summaries for framing conversations that I want to use in my own relationships - like "do you want a soap box, a tissue box, or a toolbox?"
- I really valued the discussion about community accountability - and how intentional and curated that has to be. What does trusting people to hold you accountable, and being held accountable, look like? And Kitty's suggestions for ways to concrete-ize that (e.g. step back from positions of power for a while to focus on your internal work). How can you mend what you broke? How can we, as a community, keep an eye out for red flags?
- Throughout, Kitty was humble and real wrt her own experiences and where she's fallen short or struggled, not passing herself off as the expert or "finished". And that allowed space for me to do the same in the suggested exercises/journal questions.
I'd definitely recommend anyone read it: it's a good grounding point, and flexible enough, to accommodate and prompt you to think more deeply whether this is an entirely new topic for you, or you've been thinking around this already for years.
Note: I got an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Some of the nuances I really appreciated in Kitty's writing:
- Kitty's emphasis on 'not having all the answers', and how that's demonstrated by the excerpts from different contributors that often contradict one another in where they've settled on an issue/question.
- Kitty's framing of consent as not just sexual or interpersonal, but ALWAYS grounded in systems of power, meaning we can never achieve "true/total" consent but CAN be mindful of the systems operating on/through us.
- The space the workbook allowed for pain & healing around the times you've just "not felt able to say no" or realized you changed your mind halfway through something, or just really *wanted* to enjoy something even if you didn't, and the guilt that comes with that as a 'consent is sexy' kinky person -- and how ill-equipped we as communities often are to navigate that in helpful ways.
- Inviting us to consider limits & boundaries as 'challenge' vs 'injury' -- when is it helpful to "push outside our comfort zone" versus when would it be harmful?
- How conversations around consent often skip over the complexities of the victim/abuser labels, and is often used as a "fear to avoid violation" like a boogeyman, rather than something positive to be centered.
- I LOVED the much-neglected space for discussion of understanding and processing rejection & the feelings that might come up for you when you receive a "no", and how to hold space for that without detracting from how crucial consent remains.
- Several catchy easy-to-remember summaries for framing conversations that I want to use in my own relationships - like "do you want a soap box, a tissue box, or a toolbox?"
- I really valued the discussion about community accountability - and how intentional and curated that has to be. What does trusting people to hold you accountable, and being held accountable, look like? And Kitty's suggestions for ways to concrete-ize that (e.g. step back from positions of power for a while to focus on your internal work). How can you mend what you broke? How can we, as a community, keep an eye out for red flags?
- Throughout, Kitty was humble and real wrt her own experiences and where she's fallen short or struggled, not passing herself off as the expert or "finished". And that allowed space for me to do the same in the suggested exercises/journal questions.
I'd definitely recommend anyone read it: it's a good grounding point, and flexible enough, to accommodate and prompt you to think more deeply whether this is an entirely new topic for you, or you've been thinking around this already for years.
Note: I got an ARC in exchange for an honest review.