A review by zabiume
How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women by Terrence Real

emotional hopeful informative inspiring reflective slow-paced

4.5

I was initially skeptical/apprehensive about reading this book, as I find self-help books to be too unrealistic in their approach to the human condition. Terry's book, however, was a breath of fresh air. Though some of the things he says might initially seem obvious within feminist discourse, his solutions for change are a worthwhile read that exposes some of the limitations of the broader sociopolitical movement (while still emphasizing the need for feminism/a destruction of patriarchy). I love how realistic his approach is to recovery and recovering intimacy, and I found a lot of his advice and observations to be reasonable. He gives off a very kind and nuanced vibe in his writing that makes him easy to trust, since he isn't making empty, overarching promises. It helps that he considers the effects of capitalism and patriarchy on marriage far more than I've seen others do. Yet, at the same time, the book (and Terry himself) manage to strike a balance between systemic, cultural issues versus personal issues that are specific to the couples he talks about in the book. 

Obviously, since this was non-fiction, my criteria for judging the writing style is different than they would be for fiction. One thing I really liked about Terry's writing is his use of specific examples, using his own clients' cases, personal anecdotes, movie quotes, poetry, research papers etc. Even though the content is bulky and I'm afraid I might not be able to remember a lot of it, his vision and perspective was really eye-opening. Some of the sentences felt tediously long, but it's not off-putting and nothing that can't be fixed by reading it again twice or thrice. A little detail I noticed and loved is how

Terry would sometimes pepper in his own emotions and reactions in therapy—feeling intimidated by a client, liking them, feeling a little disgusted by them for a moment, feeling tenderness towards them. Often, we view therapy as very detached and cool and therapists as experts who are unfazed by things we regular humans are fazed by. Getting his internal monologue and insight humanized him and showed that maturity isn't something therapists are intuitively gifted with but a skill they practice. It's truly incredible how many emotionally-charged sessions he partakes in and still manages to try and help the couples to the best of his ability. I also appreciate his vulnerability in sharing about his own marriage and shortcomings within it. 

 

Will I remember and apply everything in this book? Who knows. But I did tear up once or twice during my read and the book both reaffirmed some of my existing beliefs while destroying other, more naive ones. All in all, I liked this book and I'm glad I stuck through with finishing it!