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A review by kyleoftherats
Princess Dracula by John Patrick Kennedy
1.0
This book is an excellent example of the importance of good cover art. John Patrick Kennedy may have written a misogynistic, oversexualised, thinly plotted, badly characterised mess of a space-filler, but he had the good sense to hire the utterly brilliant Carlos Quevedo to design the cover so idiots like me would buy it without reading the reviews. Truth be told, I don’t regret spending eight quid on this book. It looks beautiful on my shelf. I just wish I’d never opened the bloody thing.
The writing is very good, I enjoyed the gore, and I thought the way in which Ruxandra became a vampire was fascinating. I also liked poor Neculai’s fate a lot- it was the most unpredictable part of the plot. However, the problems with this book massively outweigh the positives. As I said before, it is extremely thinly plotted. This feels like a hundred-page-long prologue to the rest of the series.
Ruxandra’s actions didn’t always make sense, she seemed to undergo the same blip of character development over and over again (give into instincts, kill someone, feel bad, give up on feeling bad, cast off humanity, kill someone, FEEL BAD DESPITE CASTING OFF HUMANITY), and even the important plot elements felt like spontaneous decisions on the author’s part, let alone the reams and reams of filler content. I felt Ruxandra’s thought process was often lacking from scenes- the author, who would often tell us her feelings instead of showing them so that we could feel them too, often described her actions without explaining the thought process behind them.
From page one, it’s clear that the author doesn’t understand women. Ruxandra is utterly flat, and has no personality whatsoever besides her obsession with sex and men. For example, a kind man finds her naked in the forest and offers her some clothes (of course, instead of being grateful that the dress will fend off the cold, or the bugs, or the scratchiness of the straw she sleeps on, she only thinks of how good her breasts will look in it), but instead of being floored or charmed by his kindness, she thinks obsessively of his looks and wonders how well-endowed he is. Now, I know some women think like this, and that thinking like this is not something to be ashamed of in the least, but Ruxandra thought of NOTHING else. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that so many women in male-driven novels behave like this. As well as Ruxandra’s personality, her treatment in the story by the author- and of the other women too- was absurd.
Ruxandra is turned into a vampire by a fallen angel, summoned by her father to take her as a sacrifice. I found most of this scene incredibly cool, HOWEVER- and it’s a big however- the fallen angel absolutely HAD to be a gorgeous woman, and a naked one at that, with perfect breasts which are described in agonising detail. The angel also grows a penis at one point- this moment was utterly baffling for a million reasons, but the most prominent one is the fact that it was completely unnecessary to the story.
Ruxandra herself is also naked at every opportunity. She and her friends are stripped off as part of their punishment in the convent. She is stripped off again in order to be sacrificed to the fallen angel, which by consequence means she is also naked throughout the duration of the novel’s first major massacre scene- the blood gets all over her breasts and in her pubic hair, which I’m glad the author decided to mention, because otherwise how could the reader have possibly pictured the scene? She has a screaming fit after discovering what she has become- a fit which causes her to tear off her dress. I think- although I’m not sure- her clothes also burn away in the sunlight at one point. She gets naked in order to wash her dress in a river, and is consequently so disturbed by the dirtiness of the dress that she decides to remain naked, despite constantly having complained about being cold. She doesn’t put her clothes back on after a session of lovemaking goes terribly wrong because “Monsters don’t need clothing” and by consequence remains naked for the entire final action scene.
I have no problem with sex scenes at all, and a few were completely necessary- I also acknowledge that sex is a very integral part of vampire lore, and that many vampire books contain sex scenes to enhance the mood. However, most of the sexual content in this book was unnecessary, and ridiculously gratuitous. I think it’s great that Ruxandra is bisexual, although I don’t think Kennedy made her that way for diversity’s sake, nor do I think her two female friends from the convent needed to be sexually involved with her at all for the plot to function. What’s more, I found it very frustrating that she seemed to be gay until she met Neculai, at which point she immediately fell in love and declared that he was so much better than any woman she had had before. I see this so much in bisexual characters- they always ‘experiment’ with the same sex, but end up with a person of the opposite sex- and find it very disappointing. If Kennedy was so desperate to fulfil his quota for ‘hot’ lesbian scenes in his book, why couldn’t Neculai have been a woman instead, and Ruxandra gay? Besides this, Ruxandra masturbates at random- once after breaking into Neculai’s house in a bizarre Goldilocks-esque fashion and getting into his bed, and once during a mental breakdown, utterly ruining the scene’s emotional weight.
The author also seems completely incapable of conveying that a character is cold without mentioning their nipples.
The most frustrating scene in the entire book for me was the scene in which Ruxandra acknowledges she has lost weight- this was the scene that cemented in my mind the fact this woman existed to fulfil a male fantasy. I don’t remember exactly what I read, but something at the very start of the book clued me into the fact that Ruxandra was a little plump. I thought this was amazing, especially since I knew she was going to become very desirable later in the book. But unfortunately, less than a third into the book, she realises she has lost all that weight, despite having spent the vast majority of her month in the forest eating. Well, I say ALL that weight- this is a lie. None of the weight comes off her breasts, seemingly whatsoever. She is not a beautiful fat woman, nor is she a beautiful thin woman. She is a thin woman with a fat woman’s breasts. Because God forbid she possess any physical ‘imperfections’ whatsoever.
Many of the scenes were bafflingly funny, but not intentionally. The scene that springs to mind is the one in which she repeatedly falls on her face whilst attempting to catch animals for the first time, but there were more.
I hate giving scathing reviews, and this book did have potential- the author’s writing was fabulous and I’ll reach for anything vampire-related, especially if it focuses on the inner turmoil and gore- but these were its only redeeming qualities. I’ve heard that the other books in the series are better, and I will be buying them- as I said earlier, I can’t resist the gorgeous covers. I wish they were posters. Or just better books.
The author’s note at the end made me feel very guilty- the author seems like a very sweet person, and he is a very, very good writer. Unfortunately, he picked a plot a bad writer would pick.
The writing is very good, I enjoyed the gore, and I thought the way in which Ruxandra became a vampire was fascinating. I also liked poor Neculai’s fate a lot- it was the most unpredictable part of the plot. However, the problems with this book massively outweigh the positives. As I said before, it is extremely thinly plotted. This feels like a hundred-page-long prologue to the rest of the series.
Ruxandra’s actions didn’t always make sense, she seemed to undergo the same blip of character development over and over again (give into instincts, kill someone, feel bad, give up on feeling bad, cast off humanity, kill someone, FEEL BAD DESPITE CASTING OFF HUMANITY), and even the important plot elements felt like spontaneous decisions on the author’s part, let alone the reams and reams of filler content. I felt Ruxandra’s thought process was often lacking from scenes- the author, who would often tell us her feelings instead of showing them so that we could feel them too, often described her actions without explaining the thought process behind them.
From page one, it’s clear that the author doesn’t understand women. Ruxandra is utterly flat, and has no personality whatsoever besides her obsession with sex and men. For example, a kind man finds her naked in the forest and offers her some clothes (of course, instead of being grateful that the dress will fend off the cold, or the bugs, or the scratchiness of the straw she sleeps on, she only thinks of how good her breasts will look in it), but instead of being floored or charmed by his kindness, she thinks obsessively of his looks and wonders how well-endowed he is. Now, I know some women think like this, and that thinking like this is not something to be ashamed of in the least, but Ruxandra thought of NOTHING else. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that so many women in male-driven novels behave like this. As well as Ruxandra’s personality, her treatment in the story by the author- and of the other women too- was absurd.
Ruxandra is turned into a vampire by a fallen angel, summoned by her father to take her as a sacrifice. I found most of this scene incredibly cool, HOWEVER- and it’s a big however- the fallen angel absolutely HAD to be a gorgeous woman, and a naked one at that, with perfect breasts which are described in agonising detail. The angel also grows a penis at one point- this moment was utterly baffling for a million reasons, but the most prominent one is the fact that it was completely unnecessary to the story.
Ruxandra herself is also naked at every opportunity. She and her friends are stripped off as part of their punishment in the convent. She is stripped off again in order to be sacrificed to the fallen angel, which by consequence means she is also naked throughout the duration of the novel’s first major massacre scene- the blood gets all over her breasts and in her pubic hair, which I’m glad the author decided to mention, because otherwise how could the reader have possibly pictured the scene? She has a screaming fit after discovering what she has become- a fit which causes her to tear off her dress. I think- although I’m not sure- her clothes also burn away in the sunlight at one point. She gets naked in order to wash her dress in a river, and is consequently so disturbed by the dirtiness of the dress that she decides to remain naked, despite constantly having complained about being cold. She doesn’t put her clothes back on after a session of lovemaking goes terribly wrong because “Monsters don’t need clothing” and by consequence remains naked for the entire final action scene.
I have no problem with sex scenes at all, and a few were completely necessary- I also acknowledge that sex is a very integral part of vampire lore, and that many vampire books contain sex scenes to enhance the mood. However, most of the sexual content in this book was unnecessary, and ridiculously gratuitous. I think it’s great that Ruxandra is bisexual, although I don’t think Kennedy made her that way for diversity’s sake, nor do I think her two female friends from the convent needed to be sexually involved with her at all for the plot to function. What’s more, I found it very frustrating that she seemed to be gay until she met Neculai, at which point she immediately fell in love and declared that he was so much better than any woman she had had before. I see this so much in bisexual characters- they always ‘experiment’ with the same sex, but end up with a person of the opposite sex- and find it very disappointing. If Kennedy was so desperate to fulfil his quota for ‘hot’ lesbian scenes in his book, why couldn’t Neculai have been a woman instead, and Ruxandra gay? Besides this, Ruxandra masturbates at random- once after breaking into Neculai’s house in a bizarre Goldilocks-esque fashion and getting into his bed, and once during a mental breakdown, utterly ruining the scene’s emotional weight.
The author also seems completely incapable of conveying that a character is cold without mentioning their nipples.
The most frustrating scene in the entire book for me was the scene in which Ruxandra acknowledges she has lost weight- this was the scene that cemented in my mind the fact this woman existed to fulfil a male fantasy. I don’t remember exactly what I read, but something at the very start of the book clued me into the fact that Ruxandra was a little plump. I thought this was amazing, especially since I knew she was going to become very desirable later in the book. But unfortunately, less than a third into the book, she realises she has lost all that weight, despite having spent the vast majority of her month in the forest eating. Well, I say ALL that weight- this is a lie. None of the weight comes off her breasts, seemingly whatsoever. She is not a beautiful fat woman, nor is she a beautiful thin woman. She is a thin woman with a fat woman’s breasts. Because God forbid she possess any physical ‘imperfections’ whatsoever.
Many of the scenes were bafflingly funny, but not intentionally. The scene that springs to mind is the one in which she repeatedly falls on her face whilst attempting to catch animals for the first time, but there were more.
I hate giving scathing reviews, and this book did have potential- the author’s writing was fabulous and I’ll reach for anything vampire-related, especially if it focuses on the inner turmoil and gore- but these were its only redeeming qualities. I’ve heard that the other books in the series are better, and I will be buying them- as I said earlier, I can’t resist the gorgeous covers. I wish they were posters. Or just better books.
The author’s note at the end made me feel very guilty- the author seems like a very sweet person, and he is a very, very good writer. Unfortunately, he picked a plot a bad writer would pick.