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A review by brennieree33
Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family by Garrard Conley
3.0
"In taking on the power of invisibility, I had also given up my voice."
I had to think hard about my review for this book. I wasn't sure what to think. It wasn't what I expected. I thought it would focus more on the therapy itself, but it focused more on the before and after of the therapy. I like some of the writing; some of it I don't. I wanted to love this, but I just feel "eh."
338 pages
- "I don't know who You are anymore, but please give me the wisdom to survive this." Holy shit do I feel this
- not making the dog lick peanut butter off her genitals ew
- "It was our fear of shame, followed by our fear of Hell, that truly prevented us from committing suicide." Again, felt
- "Some of us aren't cut out for the reading of scripture." Ouch, okay sir
- "What my mother didn't yet know about being gay in the South was that you never ran out of material... I could never count the number of times I'd sinned against God." I hate how much being gay is viewed as a sin. It leads to such guilt about something you can't change. Especially how LIA puts gay people in the same group as pedophiles and murderers. Just no.
- "There had been a moment in the middle of our class discussion of the Odyssey, Odysseus stopping up his ears to muffle the siren call, when I sat up in my desk, unplugged my own ears, raised my hand, and asked to be untied from the mast." This is such a lovely metaphor.
- "Who would be so desperate?" Someone convinced an entire facet of their existence is an abomination
- "I'm afraid because I think I've already lost God. God's stopped speaking to me, and what am I supposed to do without Him? After nineteen years with God's voice buzzing around in my head twenty-four hours a day, how am I supposed to walk around without His constant assurance?" I also had this moment in my life, and I'm still trying to figure out the answer to this question
- "But I've never really lived out my sinful life. I never knew what it was like, so I don't know the first thing about conversion." Growing up Christian is weird. You hear about sin, but you've always been saved so you don't feel like you have as much guilt or experience with sin as others who converted later in life.
- "At the time, [the panic attack] felt like the first symptoms of dying." Ahh yes, the first panic attack experience
- "What's the point of all this... once everything goes?" I think the fact that we lived makes it all worth it. But that's just me.
- "How can I ever repay this gift? How can I ever repay these people and the god these people worship and the god I still seem to worship?" ah. that hurts.
- I hate that the father calls the criminals he preaches to "thugs"; it's just so... filled with superiority
- "I'd often wondered if these people whose lives we constructed might be doing the same for us, if we might be the extras in their dramas. It was comforting to think that what we were going through might be a minor part of someone else's production." SAME.
- "Those ducks, part of a family line with origins somewhere in the forest of Arkansas. Someone had converted them. Somewhere over the years, those ducks had forgotten the feel of unchlorinated water." This is just sad. How could we let this happen simply for our own pleasure?
- "And God. I will not call upon God at any point during this decade long struggle. No because I want to keep God out of my life, but because His voice was no longer there. What happened to me has made it impossible to speak with God, to believe in a version of Him that isn't charged with self-loathing. My ex-gay therapists took him away from me, and no matter how many different churches I attend, I will feel the same dead weight in my chest. I will feel the pang of a deep love absent from my life... I will continue to search. And even if I no longer believe in Hell, I will continue to struggle with the fear of it. Perhaps one day I will hear His voice again. Perhaps not. It's a sadness I deal with on a daily basis." This quote made me tear up. I feel so, so similarly. The people who hated me for who I was took me away from God and I just don't know how to make my way back.
I had to think hard about my review for this book. I wasn't sure what to think. It wasn't what I expected. I thought it would focus more on the therapy itself, but it focused more on the before and after of the therapy. I like some of the writing; some of it I don't. I wanted to love this, but I just feel "eh."
338 pages
- "I don't know who You are anymore, but please give me the wisdom to survive this." Holy shit do I feel this
- not making the dog lick peanut butter off her genitals ew
- "It was our fear of shame, followed by our fear of Hell, that truly prevented us from committing suicide." Again, felt
- "Some of us aren't cut out for the reading of scripture." Ouch, okay sir
- "What my mother didn't yet know about being gay in the South was that you never ran out of material... I could never count the number of times I'd sinned against God." I hate how much being gay is viewed as a sin. It leads to such guilt about something you can't change. Especially how LIA puts gay people in the same group as pedophiles and murderers. Just no.
- "There had been a moment in the middle of our class discussion of the Odyssey, Odysseus stopping up his ears to muffle the siren call, when I sat up in my desk, unplugged my own ears, raised my hand, and asked to be untied from the mast." This is such a lovely metaphor.
- "Who would be so desperate?" Someone convinced an entire facet of their existence is an abomination
- "I'm afraid because I think I've already lost God. God's stopped speaking to me, and what am I supposed to do without Him? After nineteen years with God's voice buzzing around in my head twenty-four hours a day, how am I supposed to walk around without His constant assurance?" I also had this moment in my life, and I'm still trying to figure out the answer to this question
- "But I've never really lived out my sinful life. I never knew what it was like, so I don't know the first thing about conversion." Growing up Christian is weird. You hear about sin, but you've always been saved so you don't feel like you have as much guilt or experience with sin as others who converted later in life.
- "At the time, [the panic attack] felt like the first symptoms of dying." Ahh yes, the first panic attack experience
- "What's the point of all this... once everything goes?" I think the fact that we lived makes it all worth it. But that's just me.
- "How can I ever repay this gift? How can I ever repay these people and the god these people worship and the god I still seem to worship?" ah. that hurts.
- I hate that the father calls the criminals he preaches to "thugs"; it's just so... filled with superiority
- "I'd often wondered if these people whose lives we constructed might be doing the same for us, if we might be the extras in their dramas. It was comforting to think that what we were going through might be a minor part of someone else's production." SAME.
- "Those ducks, part of a family line with origins somewhere in the forest of Arkansas. Someone had converted them. Somewhere over the years, those ducks had forgotten the feel of unchlorinated water." This is just sad. How could we let this happen simply for our own pleasure?
- "And God. I will not call upon God at any point during this decade long struggle. No because I want to keep God out of my life, but because His voice was no longer there. What happened to me has made it impossible to speak with God, to believe in a version of Him that isn't charged with self-loathing. My ex-gay therapists took him away from me, and no matter how many different churches I attend, I will feel the same dead weight in my chest. I will feel the pang of a deep love absent from my life... I will continue to search. And even if I no longer believe in Hell, I will continue to struggle with the fear of it. Perhaps one day I will hear His voice again. Perhaps not. It's a sadness I deal with on a daily basis." This quote made me tear up. I feel so, so similarly. The people who hated me for who I was took me away from God and I just don't know how to make my way back.
Content Warnings
Minor: Sexual assault and Suicidal thoughts