Scan barcode
A review by traciotr
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on The Decision Not To Have Kids by Meghan Daum
5.0
Much has been written about women "having it all," and the difficulties for women with balancing work and child-rearing. Literature also abounds on the topic of infertility, detailing stories of women who long to have children, but are unable for various reasons. However, very little has been written about making a conscious, well-thought out decision NOT to have children, and even less so from a male perspective. Social groups are plentiful for women who are mothers, from informal playgroups to organized activities such as mom & baby yoga. Parents tend to be drawn together through their kids’ sports and other extra-curricular activities. Parents often frequently congregate in yards, enjoying conversation while watching their children play. For individuals without children, it can be difficult to form friendships and join in such social circles due to having little in common. While not necessarily intentional, the topic of conversation practically always revolves around child-related issues.
[b:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562] edited by [a:Meghan Daum|74253|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1293915404p2/74253.jpg], details the decisions of sixteen writers not to have kids. Most (thirteen) of the essays are by women, however, three are by men. All of the essays resonated with me on some level due to the fact that I also made the decision not to have children very early on in my adult life. Even though more and more women seem to be making the decision not to have children, it is still not the choice of the majority. While I'm not overly concerned with validation from society for my choices, it is nice to hear stories of people who have made similar decisions, even if for very different reasons.
While I was initially drawn to reading the essays by authors already known to me, such as [a:Lionel Shriver|45922|Lionel Shriver|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1332800238p2/45922.jpg], some of my favorites turned out to be from authors previously unknown to me. I particularly enjoyed the essays from the three men, as they were refreshingly honest and completely unapologetic regarding the decision not to have kids. Whereas most of the women seemed to feel the need to qualify their decision with statements about liking kids, but determining kids just weren’t for them, or ensuring that people realize that they don’t hate kids, and love their nieces/nephews/friends’ kids, etc., the men did no such thing. [a:Geoff Dyer|2279|Geoff Dyer|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1327272389p2/2279.jpg] even stated that he’s only had two ambitions in life, one of which was “never to have children.” He goes on to say:
Other essays were of a more somber nature, and recounted stories of childhood abuse or neglect which influenced their decisions regarding having (or not having in this case) children. [a:Sigrid Nunez|6633|Sigrid Nunez|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1212887417p2/6633.jpg] began her essay with “There was a time during my childhood when I believed that all children were unwanted.” Along with the stories of abuse and neglect, a few women actually chose to have abortions, rather than bring a child that they weren’t sure they wanted or could adequately care for, into the world. I found [a:Michelle Huneven|91696|Michelle Huneven|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1395262056p2/91696.jpg]'s essay especially moving:
*Note: Thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan-Picador for a complimentary advance reader's copy of [bc:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562].
[b:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562] edited by [a:Meghan Daum|74253|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1293915404p2/74253.jpg], details the decisions of sixteen writers not to have kids. Most (thirteen) of the essays are by women, however, three are by men. All of the essays resonated with me on some level due to the fact that I also made the decision not to have children very early on in my adult life. Even though more and more women seem to be making the decision not to have children, it is still not the choice of the majority. While I'm not overly concerned with validation from society for my choices, it is nice to hear stories of people who have made similar decisions, even if for very different reasons.
While I was initially drawn to reading the essays by authors already known to me, such as [a:Lionel Shriver|45922|Lionel Shriver|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1332800238p2/45922.jpg], some of my favorites turned out to be from authors previously unknown to me. I particularly enjoyed the essays from the three men, as they were refreshingly honest and completely unapologetic regarding the decision not to have kids. Whereas most of the women seemed to feel the need to qualify their decision with statements about liking kids, but determining kids just weren’t for them, or ensuring that people realize that they don’t hate kids, and love their nieces/nephews/friends’ kids, etc., the men did no such thing. [a:Geoff Dyer|2279|Geoff Dyer|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1327272389p2/2279.jpg] even stated that he’s only had two ambitions in life, one of which was “never to have children.” He goes on to say:
In a park, looking at smiling mothers and fathers strolling along with their adorable toddlers, I react like the pope confronted with a couple of gay men walking hand in hand: Where does it come from, this unnatural desire (to have children)? [“Over and Out” by Geoff Dyer]Since one of my favorite novels of all time is [b:We Need to Talk About Kevin|80660|We Need to Talk About Kevin|Lionel Shriver|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1327865017s/80660.jpg|3106720], I was really looking forward to reading Lionel Shriver's essay. Rather than detail her decision not to have kids, she instead wrote more about demographics in general in both America and Europe, as well as declining fertility rates, and a “birth dearth” in Western societies. She then gave examples of three women she knows personally (and considers friends) who are at different stages of life and who do not want children. Finally, she briefly mentions her own situation, but never really delves very far into her thought process. I did admire Shriver’s frank statement of “I could have afforded children, financially. I just didn’t want them.”
Other essays were of a more somber nature, and recounted stories of childhood abuse or neglect which influenced their decisions regarding having (or not having in this case) children. [a:Sigrid Nunez|6633|Sigrid Nunez|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1212887417p2/6633.jpg] began her essay with “There was a time during my childhood when I believed that all children were unwanted.” Along with the stories of abuse and neglect, a few women actually chose to have abortions, rather than bring a child that they weren’t sure they wanted or could adequately care for, into the world. I found [a:Michelle Huneven|91696|Michelle Huneven|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1395262056p2/91696.jpg]'s essay especially moving:
My experience of living in my family had deeply instilled a sense that behind the closed doors of a family’s home, all respect disappeared; disapproval, anger, and other emotions ran unchecked, and a domestic form of war prevailed, with war’s oscillations between overt violence and tense calm. Even as I learned that not all families were like this, I didn’t trust myself not to recreate what I had known. [“Amateurs” by Michelle Huneven]I am very glad that Meghan Daum decided to take this subject on, and am thankful to the sixteen writers who agreed to share their stories. I would highly recommend the book not just to people who have decided not to have kids, but even more so to all those who do have kids. I think it’s important for those who are parents to realize that their lifestyle is not the only valid choice, nor are all those who make the choice not to have kids selfish, shallow, or self-absorbed! It is simply one of many life choices, typically involving a large amount of deliberation and self-reflection.
*Note: Thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan-Picador for a complimentary advance reader's copy of [bc:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562].