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A review by lilyrooke
Spare by Prince Harry
emotional
informative
reflective
sad
medium-paced
3.0
Spare is a story of emotional neglect, immense grief, and the myriad consequences of unaddressed trauma. In therapy, clients are often gently encouraged to consider how making meaning from their traumatic experiences - shaping their own narrative - may unlock aspects of the healing process. Harry utilises this strategy by making his memoir a means of returning to that bereaved little boy - who grew up in an environment where he was not permitted to seek physical affection from adults (hugs were an alien concept), and who knew from an early age that he born for the sole purpose of being the 'spare' - and leading him into the light of present-day freedom.
What struck me most while reading Spare was the necessity of dissolving the monarchy, if only for the sake of the children stuck in the spokes of its damaged, merciless wheel. Harry is not the only walking wounded. Other than the tabloid press, I felt William comes across worst, but I would be fascinated to read his own version of events alongside Harry's. William seems to be the typical 'golden child' while Harry is the 'black sheep', a common pattern in families with abusive and unhealthy relationship dynamics. But the golden child suffers too, the fundamental problem being that all the children are raised to believe the love around them is conditional on certain factors. Much of the toxicity and stressful situations involving the Core Four of Harry, Meghan, William, and Kate seem to stem from the immense pressure they were all put under, not only by the tabloid press but by the shifting power dynamics of the Royal Family, with aging figures such as the Queen and Prince Charles essentially out of commission, leaving their advisors (straight out of Downing Street) to pit the younger generation against one another. In this way, Spare reflects the changing times of contemporary British society, its generational and values divide.
Harry's fury is directed first and foremost at the British tabloid press - by all accounts with good reason. Is it a coincidence how you can't look at any UK publication without seeing article after article denigrating him for speaking up about his experiences and telling his truth? Ask yourself what they have to lose. Royal Family drama makes them a ton of money, and if people actually started questioning whether it's right to hound human beings like this, whether a celebrity has any right to privacy, whether readers should consider the impact on the subject's mental health, then surely people might start refusing to click these articles and give the media empires more ad revenue? One key takeaway for me is that I will work hard never again to read articles that leap on humanity's lowest instincts and thrive on the misery of other human beings. Even if they're rich. Even if they're famous. Even if they're privileged. It's one thing to see justice done for criminals, another to cackle over who said what to who, and who got upset by it.
Harry doesn't shy away from sharing how his wife grew suicidal from the tabloid intrusion, nor how the stress of their constant hounding likely contributed to her miscarriage. Much as he talks about dehumanising his enemies in Afghanistan, he and Meghan Markle became non-persons for the tabloid press - you get the sense they only saw £ signs in front of their eyes whenever there was an opportunity to post anything about Harry or Meghan. It's deeply concerning how Meghan Markle was treated, how Caroline Flack was treated, and how Harry was treated, especially as a child. I found it shocking how much could be legally published with no recourse, and how actually speaking up or suing would make it worse. There's a sense of being manipulated and victimised by a press that is always hungry for more drama. I felt my brain rotting just from reading about it so much. What do the press have to gain from keeping the British public distracted in this way? Surely not how the government is deliberately throwing the country off a cliff? It made me think of Plato's Cave. Step outside the cave and say no to the shadow puppet dance. Murdoch empire string-pullers.
I have no reason to believe anything Harry says is untrue, although clearly it's a one-sided account, which is why I would be fascinated to read William's contribution. They seem to see things so vastly differently, and clearly Harry was being left out of a lot of meetings and things were being discussed and decided without him, so I do wonder what was said to William, and what his motivations were. Late in the memoir, it becomes clear that there are a number of key advisers essentially holding the family to ransom based on their own perceptions of what is best. It honestly reminded me of Littlefinger and Varys from Game of Thrones. Growing up in a small, conservative village in England, from my perspective throughout school the Royal Family were these minor gods, removed from the realities of being human, and somehow perfect and unquestionable. But clearly they're all flesh and blood humans, and no one exemplifies this more than Charles, who comes across as deeply damaged by an emotionally abusive childhood and still carrying the scars of being bullied throughout his schooldays. Seemingly so desperate for love and approval that he'd throw his children under the PR bus if it meant more good publicity for him and Camilla. Not that he hates his children (while hugely repressed, he also comes across as loving and at times vulnerable in front of Harry), but he's so deeply lacking in core love and worth that he needs to seek it from the empty press.
Fundamentally, what I learnt from Spare is that the whole institution is fucked. It's frightening how emotionally removed the adults are from the children, and I respect Harry and William for clearly wanting to try to parent their children differently. The damage to Charles, Harry, William, is immense. This is a family that encapsulates the concept of generational trauma, and doubtless it goes back to the trauma of World War II, and even further, with generation after generation deeply impacted by upper-class white British repression and stiff upper lip misery. It would be interesting to read Spare after watching The King's Speech.
Finally, Harry himself comes across as a bit of a Made in Chelsea stereotype, if I'm being honest. He does make the point that he was infantilised and wanted to work and make his own money, but he was constrained by his father and the palace into a working royal role. It's fascinating how as a grown man he has access to millions of pounds for charitable foundations, but absolutely nothing for furnishing a flat, beyond what his father allows. So there's an incredible section about Meghan buying a sofa on credit, and IKEA lamps in their flat, and him sneaking out to the high street sales every six months or so to buy a few items of clothing. Yet he's also constantly hopping back and forth to Botswana, Australia, South Africa, living a life that's directionless and restrained, yet full of empty privilege, desperate to find some meaning and purpose.
There are times where he lacks self-awareness, such as when he compares himself to Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha); when he calls William and Kate to ask whether a Nazi uniform would be a good choice for a fancy dress party; when he uses a slur against a Pakistani friend etc. He does seem put out at the fact that he would be called racist for saying racist things, or criticised for comparing killing Taliban fighters with video games, when that's what he does. I did find myself getting frustrated by his wide-eyed attitude, since there comes a point where you need to think about what you say, and how it will be taken. Having said that, Harry also explores quite early on how his childhood trauma led to various behavioural changes, memory and processing issues, focus problems, that all point to actual lasting damage and are very real things. He doesn't seem to have had any help with any of this, until seeking out therapy much later in his life. That's a failing on the part of his family, because they didn't protect a vulnerable, bereaved child. Neglect features constantly.
I think some make the immediate criticism that he's grown up in castles and palaces and boarding schools, he wanted for nothing, so he shouldn't complain. As Harry describes it, he was limited to his bedroom, the dining room, and the sitting room, and lived a somewhat Spartan existence with limited possessions. What's clear to me is that you could have everything you ever wanted, but if you lack love, and can't have a cuddle, and don't know how to cry, and are dissociating from a young age, and all you get told is to be a man, then you're going to walk away deeply wounded and damaged. Some will scoff, but it's true. We need warmth and love more than we need anything else. Since Harry brings up post-traumatic stress, there's evidence that the difference between soldiers who end up with PTSD and those who don't often comes down to whether they formed strong early attachments, and how well those were sustained into adulthood. Put simply, you can suffer so much and come out basically fine if you know you're loved. If you feel unwanted and unworthy, you could be a Prince of England, yet believe yourself worse than nothing.
cw: trauma; emotional neglect; suicidal ideation; bereavement; racism; gaslighting; references to suicide; physical abuse; miscarriage
What struck me most while reading Spare was the necessity of dissolving the monarchy, if only for the sake of the children stuck in the spokes of its damaged, merciless wheel. Harry is not the only walking wounded. Other than the tabloid press, I felt William comes across worst, but I would be fascinated to read his own version of events alongside Harry's. William seems to be the typical 'golden child' while Harry is the 'black sheep', a common pattern in families with abusive and unhealthy relationship dynamics. But the golden child suffers too, the fundamental problem being that all the children are raised to believe the love around them is conditional on certain factors. Much of the toxicity and stressful situations involving the Core Four of Harry, Meghan, William, and Kate seem to stem from the immense pressure they were all put under, not only by the tabloid press but by the shifting power dynamics of the Royal Family, with aging figures such as the Queen and Prince Charles essentially out of commission, leaving their advisors (straight out of Downing Street) to pit the younger generation against one another. In this way, Spare reflects the changing times of contemporary British society, its generational and values divide.
Harry's fury is directed first and foremost at the British tabloid press - by all accounts with good reason. Is it a coincidence how you can't look at any UK publication without seeing article after article denigrating him for speaking up about his experiences and telling his truth? Ask yourself what they have to lose. Royal Family drama makes them a ton of money, and if people actually started questioning whether it's right to hound human beings like this, whether a celebrity has any right to privacy, whether readers should consider the impact on the subject's mental health, then surely people might start refusing to click these articles and give the media empires more ad revenue? One key takeaway for me is that I will work hard never again to read articles that leap on humanity's lowest instincts and thrive on the misery of other human beings. Even if they're rich. Even if they're famous. Even if they're privileged. It's one thing to see justice done for criminals, another to cackle over who said what to who, and who got upset by it.
Harry doesn't shy away from sharing how his wife grew suicidal from the tabloid intrusion, nor how the stress of their constant hounding likely contributed to her miscarriage. Much as he talks about dehumanising his enemies in Afghanistan, he and Meghan Markle became non-persons for the tabloid press - you get the sense they only saw £ signs in front of their eyes whenever there was an opportunity to post anything about Harry or Meghan. It's deeply concerning how Meghan Markle was treated, how Caroline Flack was treated, and how Harry was treated, especially as a child. I found it shocking how much could be legally published with no recourse, and how actually speaking up or suing would make it worse. There's a sense of being manipulated and victimised by a press that is always hungry for more drama. I felt my brain rotting just from reading about it so much. What do the press have to gain from keeping the British public distracted in this way? Surely not how the government is deliberately throwing the country off a cliff? It made me think of Plato's Cave. Step outside the cave and say no to the shadow puppet dance. Murdoch empire string-pullers.
I have no reason to believe anything Harry says is untrue, although clearly it's a one-sided account, which is why I would be fascinated to read William's contribution. They seem to see things so vastly differently, and clearly Harry was being left out of a lot of meetings and things were being discussed and decided without him, so I do wonder what was said to William, and what his motivations were. Late in the memoir, it becomes clear that there are a number of key advisers essentially holding the family to ransom based on their own perceptions of what is best. It honestly reminded me of Littlefinger and Varys from Game of Thrones. Growing up in a small, conservative village in England, from my perspective throughout school the Royal Family were these minor gods, removed from the realities of being human, and somehow perfect and unquestionable. But clearly they're all flesh and blood humans, and no one exemplifies this more than Charles, who comes across as deeply damaged by an emotionally abusive childhood and still carrying the scars of being bullied throughout his schooldays. Seemingly so desperate for love and approval that he'd throw his children under the PR bus if it meant more good publicity for him and Camilla. Not that he hates his children (while hugely repressed, he also comes across as loving and at times vulnerable in front of Harry), but he's so deeply lacking in core love and worth that he needs to seek it from the empty press.
Fundamentally, what I learnt from Spare is that the whole institution is fucked. It's frightening how emotionally removed the adults are from the children, and I respect Harry and William for clearly wanting to try to parent their children differently. The damage to Charles, Harry, William, is immense. This is a family that encapsulates the concept of generational trauma, and doubtless it goes back to the trauma of World War II, and even further, with generation after generation deeply impacted by upper-class white British repression and stiff upper lip misery. It would be interesting to read Spare after watching The King's Speech.
Finally, Harry himself comes across as a bit of a Made in Chelsea stereotype, if I'm being honest. He does make the point that he was infantilised and wanted to work and make his own money, but he was constrained by his father and the palace into a working royal role. It's fascinating how as a grown man he has access to millions of pounds for charitable foundations, but absolutely nothing for furnishing a flat, beyond what his father allows. So there's an incredible section about Meghan buying a sofa on credit, and IKEA lamps in their flat, and him sneaking out to the high street sales every six months or so to buy a few items of clothing. Yet he's also constantly hopping back and forth to Botswana, Australia, South Africa, living a life that's directionless and restrained, yet full of empty privilege, desperate to find some meaning and purpose.
There are times where he lacks self-awareness, such as when he compares himself to Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha); when he calls William and Kate to ask whether a Nazi uniform would be a good choice for a fancy dress party; when he uses a slur against a Pakistani friend etc. He does seem put out at the fact that he would be called racist for saying racist things, or criticised for comparing killing Taliban fighters with video games, when that's what he does. I did find myself getting frustrated by his wide-eyed attitude, since there comes a point where you need to think about what you say, and how it will be taken. Having said that, Harry also explores quite early on how his childhood trauma led to various behavioural changes, memory and processing issues, focus problems, that all point to actual lasting damage and are very real things. He doesn't seem to have had any help with any of this, until seeking out therapy much later in his life. That's a failing on the part of his family, because they didn't protect a vulnerable, bereaved child. Neglect features constantly.
I think some make the immediate criticism that he's grown up in castles and palaces and boarding schools, he wanted for nothing, so he shouldn't complain. As Harry describes it, he was limited to his bedroom, the dining room, and the sitting room, and lived a somewhat Spartan existence with limited possessions. What's clear to me is that you could have everything you ever wanted, but if you lack love, and can't have a cuddle, and don't know how to cry, and are dissociating from a young age, and all you get told is to be a man, then you're going to walk away deeply wounded and damaged. Some will scoff, but it's true. We need warmth and love more than we need anything else. Since Harry brings up post-traumatic stress, there's evidence that the difference between soldiers who end up with PTSD and those who don't often comes down to whether they formed strong early attachments, and how well those were sustained into adulthood. Put simply, you can suffer so much and come out basically fine if you know you're loved. If you feel unwanted and unworthy, you could be a Prince of England, yet believe yourself worse than nothing.
cw: trauma; emotional neglect; suicidal ideation; bereavement; racism; gaslighting; references to suicide; physical abuse; miscarriage
Content Warnings
Moderate: Death of parent, Grief, Suicidal thoughts, Physical abuse, Miscarriage, Emotional abuse, Racism, and Gaslighting