A review by 333jamie
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

challenging dark
  • Plot- or character-driven? Character
  • Strong character development? It's complicated
  • Loveable characters? Yes
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

I watch her walk away, not a rumor but a real person, a woman who used to be a girl. I'm real, too.

I wonder how much victimhood they'd be willing to grant a girl like me.

This book sat in my tbr for years because I knew how closely I'd relate to Vanessa. The way she avoids [redacted] with her mom but dives deep in it with every man she meets, hoping for sympathetic eyes and ears, but sensitive to any reaction that isn't exactly what she wants it to be- that's it. That captured it. How do you make peace with your autonomy when you can't recognize it was once stolen from you? That you never gave clearance to the person who stole it?

Even though this was far from an easy read, the story is captivating and I felt like I got to know and understand Vanessa more through each page. Being a victim and being a survivor and being labeled as something you never decided to claim is a topic I wish was delved into more. When Vanessa said to Ruby "I just really need it to be a love story. You know? I really, really need it to be that." "I know."  That to me is what it means to be a survivor, to live through something so horrific that you then have to go through life knowing the way others view you, perceive every behavior and pattern, is through a lens you never asked for. A narrative you may (or may not) even claim.

By far, one of my favorite lines in the book that I feel gives a glimpse into the complexities of abuse + the reckoning that comes with recognizing it as such is when a reporter reaches out to Vanessa: "I turn back to the computer, the journalist's email. 'Getting your truth out there.' My truth. As though I have any idea what that is."

Brilliant.
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