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A review by corvusastrum
Doctor Who: 12 Doctors 12 Stories by Eoin Colfer
3.0
Most of the stories are conceptually very interesting, but can't be played out to their full potential in only ~40 pages each. All in all I'm sad to say that I had to fight my way through this book most of the time because of that, though it got a lot better in the second half. And a lot worse at the same time. It's a lottery, really.
I made little status updates after each story I read, just my raw thoughts that probably won't make a lot of sense to anyone who hasn't read the book, but I might as well include them here anyway with an additional rating for each and every one of them because I can.
Everything from here on contains SPOILERS, so don't read on if you want to experience the stories on your own.
1. "A Big Hand for the Doctor" (2/5)
A grumpy old man with no humour that only smiles for his ... granddaughter? How- Who- ... no. I don't even want to know. Also apparently the Doctor has lost his hand and grew it back one or the other way at least twice now. Lovely.
2. "The Nameless City" (2/5)
Much more likeable than the first Doctor, though his utterly scottish companion thinks he's a fairy. They fight fishpeople in glasshouses with loud bagpipe music. Exactly what I expect from Doctor Who.
3. "The Spear of Destiny" (3/5)
Te Doctor drives a car even though he has a TARDIS. He wants to steal Odin's spear, because he can I guess. A lot of exposition with only little sense between it, but at least now I know Time Lords can function as a heating system. Very useful.
4. "The Roots of Evil" (2/5)
The Doctor visits a massive treehouse floating around in space, where he almost gets executed for something the 11th Doctor did. Timey Wimey. His companion is incredibly violent, can't stand her. But K9 appears for like one sentence so all is good.
5. "Tip of the Tongue" (4/5)
These short stories are surprisingly much better when they don't follow the Doctor or his companions, but instead characters he helps. He saves a small, truth speaking alien species from its slavery by Pumpkin Squirrel Sheep Fish. Also Jonny Heftklammern is the best name I've EVER seen.
6. "Something Borrowed" (2/5)
The Doctor and his companion visit a planet with structures based on Las Vegas for a wedding they have to stop in the end because of the Rani, who apparently is yet another evil Time Lord I have never heard of before. Also there are tiny Pterodactyls flying around and attacking/kidnapping people for MONTHS and nobody even tried doing anything against them so far because whatever.
7. "The Ripple Effect" (1/5)
They get trapped in an alternate universe where Daleks are good and ladiladila, really good concept, rational and good Doctor, but that COMPANION. Oh. My GOD. I don't think I have ever seen a character asking such dumb questions, being so selfrighteous and pretentious and SELFISH like that. What an absolute airhead. This has me so irrationally angry JFC.
8. "Spore" (4/5)
Earth is being infected by an alien pathogen and naturally only the Doctor can stop it. A very dark story leaving no details to your imagination and a serious, calm and yet still witty Doctor - I love it! Compared to the last story this was a blast. Also no companion, what a delight!
9. "The Beast of Babylon" (0/5)
The Doctor has to stop planet devouring creatures and meets a new companion along the way. Now this companion knows him for like 3 seconds and can already tell him his entire lifestory because she's oh so clever and cheeky. Halfway through the story the author remembers to tell us that she's not even humanoid but an aggressive crustacean killingmachine. Also that Rose Tyler subplot was so unbelievably unnecessary.
10. "The Mystery of the Haunted Cottage" (5/5)
This. Was amazing. Very short summary, the Doctor and his companion, Martha, are trapped in a world of fiction and try to figure out what it's all about. The whole plot is so unbelievably creative. It had me laughing a few times and Doctor and Martha felt so in character it felt like watching an episode of the show.
11. "Nothing O'Clock" (4/5)
People wearing masks that don't look very convincing buy every house on earth and with that earth itself. One of those people eats a kid. Who's unconvincing now? The Doctor has to go back in time to figure out who those people, or rather this one entity is and what they...it...wants. Absolutely amazing creature design I love it...them? Whatever.
12. "Lights Out" (2/5)
In an intergalactic café where you can get the third best coffee in the universe people suddenly die – but only when the lights go out. Out of the perspective of an alien that fears the dark that is kind of interesting. But at the same time kind of dull. Also we've come to a full circle, the Doctor is a grumpy old man again.
I made little status updates after each story I read, just my raw thoughts that probably won't make a lot of sense to anyone who hasn't read the book, but I might as well include them here anyway with an additional rating for each and every one of them because I can.
Everything from here on contains SPOILERS, so don't read on if you want to experience the stories on your own.
1. "A Big Hand for the Doctor" (2/5)
A grumpy old man with no humour that only smiles for his ... granddaughter? How- Who- ... no. I don't even want to know. Also apparently the Doctor has lost his hand and grew it back one or the other way at least twice now. Lovely.
2. "The Nameless City" (2/5)
Much more likeable than the first Doctor, though his utterly scottish companion thinks he's a fairy. They fight fishpeople in glasshouses with loud bagpipe music. Exactly what I expect from Doctor Who.
3. "The Spear of Destiny" (3/5)
Te Doctor drives a car even though he has a TARDIS. He wants to steal Odin's spear, because he can I guess. A lot of exposition with only little sense between it, but at least now I know Time Lords can function as a heating system. Very useful.
4. "The Roots of Evil" (2/5)
The Doctor visits a massive treehouse floating around in space, where he almost gets executed for something the 11th Doctor did. Timey Wimey. His companion is incredibly violent, can't stand her. But K9 appears for like one sentence so all is good.
5. "Tip of the Tongue" (4/5)
These short stories are surprisingly much better when they don't follow the Doctor or his companions, but instead characters he helps. He saves a small, truth speaking alien species from its slavery by Pumpkin Squirrel Sheep Fish. Also Jonny Heftklammern is the best name I've EVER seen.
6. "Something Borrowed" (2/5)
The Doctor and his companion visit a planet with structures based on Las Vegas for a wedding they have to stop in the end because of the Rani, who apparently is yet another evil Time Lord I have never heard of before. Also there are tiny Pterodactyls flying around and attacking/kidnapping people for MONTHS and nobody even tried doing anything against them so far because whatever.
7. "The Ripple Effect" (1/5)
They get trapped in an alternate universe where Daleks are good and ladiladila, really good concept, rational and good Doctor, but that COMPANION. Oh. My GOD. I don't think I have ever seen a character asking such dumb questions, being so selfrighteous and pretentious and SELFISH like that. What an absolute airhead. This has me so irrationally angry JFC.
8. "Spore" (4/5)
Earth is being infected by an alien pathogen and naturally only the Doctor can stop it. A very dark story leaving no details to your imagination and a serious, calm and yet still witty Doctor - I love it! Compared to the last story this was a blast. Also no companion, what a delight!
9. "The Beast of Babylon" (0/5)
The Doctor has to stop planet devouring creatures and meets a new companion along the way. Now this companion knows him for like 3 seconds and can already tell him his entire lifestory because she's oh so clever and cheeky. Halfway through the story the author remembers to tell us that she's not even humanoid but an aggressive crustacean killingmachine. Also that Rose Tyler subplot was so unbelievably unnecessary.
10. "The Mystery of the Haunted Cottage" (5/5)
This. Was amazing. Very short summary, the Doctor and his companion, Martha, are trapped in a world of fiction and try to figure out what it's all about. The whole plot is so unbelievably creative. It had me laughing a few times and Doctor and Martha felt so in character it felt like watching an episode of the show.
11. "Nothing O'Clock" (4/5)
People wearing masks that don't look very convincing buy every house on earth and with that earth itself. One of those people eats a kid. Who's unconvincing now? The Doctor has to go back in time to figure out who those people, or rather this one entity is and what they...it...wants. Absolutely amazing creature design I love it...them? Whatever.
12. "Lights Out" (2/5)
In an intergalactic café where you can get the third best coffee in the universe people suddenly die – but only when the lights go out. Out of the perspective of an alien that fears the dark that is kind of interesting. But at the same time kind of dull. Also we've come to a full circle, the Doctor is a grumpy old man again.