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A review by libralita
The Knights of Crystallia by Brandon Sanderson
5.0
Reread Review (Spoilers for the ~Entire~ Series): http://libralita.tumblr.com/post/165787651444/reread-review
“You want to be a better person? Go listen to someone you disagree with. Don’t argue with them, just listen. It’s remarkable what interesting things people will say if you take the time to not be a jerk.”
A quote that needs to flash before anyone uses the internet. This was another great installment. There were so many great new characters in this book and we get some more world building. I can’t wait to continue on!
~Spoilers!~
Y’know the more I think about it…the more I think this book doesn’t make much sense. I know this is coming from a series that spits in the face of sense but…hear me out. Most of it has to do with Bastille. First, she never gives a reason why not to tell Mountain Girl and Dance Boy that they’re in love and she seems fine with them getting married. That just made absolutely no sense. Then Chin man takes her off the mind stone thing or whatever when that also doesn’t make sense. Because wouldn’t it be safer for her to be on the mind stone because then she won’t be able to stop him? Also…why are there so many references to drugs in this book? I know Brandon was probably on drugs when writing this series but like…Mountain Girl has a line saying how she’s been clean, Bastille is going through withdrawal and then there was that after school special joke at the end. I’m confused…
Still liked it though.
“Definition of ‘book four’: And…how’d you manage to start with that one? I haven’t even written it yet. (You sneaky time travelers.)”—Page 14
First of all, well this is the future so you have written the 4th and 5th book. Second, are there time travelers in this universe? It’d be make sense.
“By not reading book two, you also just forced a large number of people to waste an entire minute reading that recap. I hope you’re satisfied.”—Page 15
The best part of this series is Brandon complaining about recaps in books.
“Rotating Rothfusses!”—Page 15
Rothfuss!
“Oh and see to my son. He will need, er, clothing and things like that.”—Page 32
Does everyone in this universe lack paternal and maternal instincts? Besides Leavenworth?
“She must have been really worried about you, Alcatraz. She ran right over to your side. I—”—Page 34
*Can You Feel The Love, Tonight? Begins playing*
“I glanced over my shoulder, whereupon I noticed a dangerous scaly lizard slithering its way along the sides of the buildings, obviously bent on devouring us all.
‘Behold!’ I bellowed. ‘’Tis a foul beast of the nether-hells. Stand behind me and I shall slay it!’
‘Oh, Alcatraz,’ Bastille breathed. ‘Thou art awesomish and manlyish.’
‘Lo let it be such,’ I said.”—Page 42
This is great.
TALKING. DRAGON. Hey, why can Dragons and Dinosaurs talk but not normal animals? Or can normal animals talk but in the Hushlands they don’t?
“(Though, of course, knights never use the term ‘break wind.’ They prefer the term ‘bang the cymbals.’ Guess that’s what they get for wearing so much armor.)”—Page 47
Best fart joke.
Attica, Kazan and…Pattywagon. One of these names is not like the other.
Immediately when Alcatraz mentioned that the king had red hair, I knew that Bastille was his daughter.
“Bastille got teary eyed. Then she hugged me.”—Page 60
Aw, they are so cute.
Aunt Patty knows what up between Bastille and Alcatraz.
“I should stop and note here that in the years since that day, I’ve grown rather fond of Aunt Pattywagon. This statement has nothing at all to do with the fact that she threatened to toss me out a window if I didn’t include it.”—Page 69
I really like Pattywagon, she’s probably my new favorite character. Her Talent is really silly but makes her hilarious.
“‘Okay, look,’ I said. ‘Horses are not more advanced than cars.’
‘Sure they are,’ Patty said.
‘Why?”
‘Simple. Poop.’
I blinked. ‘Poop?’”—Page 71
Poop. I’m getting flashbacks to Words of Radiance.
“If I could somehow work in barfing, then I’d have a complete potty humor trifecta.”—Page 71
Ah, I love Brandon Sanderson.
“Fame is like a cheeseburger. It might not be the best or most healthy thing to have, but it will still fill you up. You don’t really care how healthy something is when you’ve been without it for so long. Like a cheeseburger, fame fills a need, and it taste so good going down.
It isn’t until years later that you realize what it has done to your heart.”—Page 75
That is actually a perfect metaphor.
“I recall an image: a group of strangely shaped buildings beside the road. I’d seen them before, and I’d always wondered what they were. They looked like small white domes, three or four of them, the size of houses.
As we passed, I turned to my foster mother. ‘Mom, what are those?’
‘That is where the crazy people go,’ she said.
I hadn’t realized there was a mental institution in my town. But it was nice to know where it was. For years after that, when the topic of mental illness came up, I would explain where the hospital was. I was proud, as a child, to know where they took the crazy people when they went…well, crazy.
When I was twelve or so, I remember being driven past that place again with a different foster family. By then I could read. (I was quite advanced for my age, you know.) I noticed the sign hanging on the dome buildings.
It didn’t say the builds were a mental institution. It said they were a church.”—Pages 77-78
*Spits out soda* How has Brandon not been kicked out of his church?
“To be honest, I hadn’t expected the Librarian to be so pretty or so young.”—Page 82
For a second I was scared that this would start a…love triangle. But thankfully it didn’t.
“It had all the elements of a great story—a mystical weapon, a boy on a journey, a quirky sidekicks. But it ended up ruining itself by trying to say something important, rather than just being amusing.”—Page 87
Now, who would do that?
Books play theme songs when you open them? That is awesome.
“‘She Who Cannot Be Named?’ I asked. ‘Why can’t we say her name? Because it might draw the attention of evil powers? Because we’re afraid of her? Because her name has become curse upon the world?
‘Don’t be silly,’ Himalaya said. ‘We don’t say her name because nobody can pronounce it.’”—Page 109
Hahahahaha, is she related to Numuhukumakiaki’aialunamor?
Oh god when they’re chasing Fletcher in the carriage, it’s so cringe-y.
“‘I smacked you,’ said Grandpa Smedry. Then in a slightly lower tone he added, ‘It’s an old family remedy.’
‘For what?’
‘Being a nigglenut,’”—Page 124
Grandpa Smedry really is the only character with a hint of paternal instincts.
Wait a minute the Knights are withholding information. Why? To keep order? I think Horseshoe Theory is at play.
“Oh, and don’t get in my way. If you do, I’ll have to rip our your entrails, dice them into little bits, then feed them to my goldfish. Toodles!”—She Who Cannot Be Named, Pages 156-157
That’s…pleasant…
DON’T EAT THE COOK—Oh, never mind…
“They’ll come up to you and say things like ‘Why are you reading that trash?’ or ‘You should be doing your homework,’ or ‘Help me, I’m on fire!’
Don’t let them distract you. It’s of vital importance that you keep reading. This book is very, very important.
After all, it’s about me.”—Page 165
Sounds good to me.
“‘How could they tell if anything was missing?’ I asked.
‘They can’t,’ Sing said. ‘They figure if nobody can get in to steal books, then they don’t have to keep them counter organized.’
‘That’s stupid.’”—Page 173
Agreed.
“‘Folsom stays suspiciously close to her,’ I said. ‘He rarely lets her out of his sight—I think he’s worried that she’s really a Librarian spy.’”—Page 183
Ah, Brandon…for all your trope subverting, you still manage to succumb one the worst of them all. The idiot teenage boy who doesn’t know a thing about romance.
“‘But what if he gets killed?’ I asked.
‘Then they’ll have to pick a new crown prince,’”—Page 195
I’m glad Bastille is going back to her old self.
“She sat down on a pile. ‘But…but I’m recovering! I’ve been clean for months now! You can’t ask me to go back, you can’t.’”—Page 197
This is ridiculous.
“I am a good Librarian.”—Page 203
Yeah!
“Anyway, that’s beside the point. We should talk to those two and settle this misunderstanding so they can get on with things.”—Alcatraz, who knows what’s up, Page 220
YES! Brandon, you didn’t give a sufficient answer on why Alcatraz should just let Mountain Girl and Dance Boy “work it out”.
“‘He means nothing to me.’
I froze.
It was a lie.”—Page 241
Aw.
“I mean, why is it you readers always assume that you’re never to blame for anything? You just sit there, comfortable on your couch while we suffer. You can enjoy our pain and our misery because you’re safe.
Well, this is real to me. It’s real. It still affects me. Ruins me.”—Page 243
I feel personally attacked…
“I KILLED HIM.”—Page 244
Who?
OH MY GOD ALCATRAZ MARRIED HIMALAYA AND FOLSOM TO GIVE HER THE SMEDRY TALENT! That’s amazing and kinda weird. Also, they’ve only known each other for like…six months. Weird.
“We’d discussed our plan during the chapter break. (Neener neener.)”—Page 255
Much maturity.
“It depicted a bloody skull. Archedis turned toward King Dartmoor.”—Page 269
I love Swcbn.
“Swcbn finally put down her knitting. ‘You,’ she said, ‘are very bad children. No cookies for you.’”—Page 274
Here’s hoping Swcbn comes back, she’s my favorite villain.
“Ah, I thought. That’s right; I forgot. Bastille got around fame’s touch by being a freaking psychopath.”—Page 280
Yeah, she is.
“In that moment, looking at that smile, I could swear that I’d seen him somewhere, long before my visit to the Library of Alexandria.”—Page 282
What? Was there foreshadowing that I missed?
Give Talent to ordinary people? I don’t like the sound of this…with great power and all…
Let her? Excuse me! Alcatraz did not let Fletcher steal the book…you are the most insufferable character ever.
“We can control them.”—Attica, Page 285
Sounds Librarian-y.
GERBIL SNORTING! What a great way to end the story.
“You want to be a better person? Go listen to someone you disagree with. Don’t argue with them, just listen. It’s remarkable what interesting things people will say if you take the time to not be a jerk.”
A quote that needs to flash before anyone uses the internet. This was another great installment. There were so many great new characters in this book and we get some more world building. I can’t wait to continue on!
~Spoilers!~
Y’know the more I think about it…the more I think this book doesn’t make much sense. I know this is coming from a series that spits in the face of sense but…hear me out. Most of it has to do with Bastille. First, she never gives a reason why not to tell Mountain Girl and Dance Boy that they’re in love and she seems fine with them getting married. That just made absolutely no sense. Then Chin man takes her off the mind stone thing or whatever when that also doesn’t make sense. Because wouldn’t it be safer for her to be on the mind stone because then she won’t be able to stop him? Also…why are there so many references to drugs in this book? I know Brandon was probably on drugs when writing this series but like…Mountain Girl has a line saying how she’s been clean, Bastille is going through withdrawal and then there was that after school special joke at the end. I’m confused…
Still liked it though.
“Definition of ‘book four’: And…how’d you manage to start with that one? I haven’t even written it yet. (You sneaky time travelers.)”—Page 14
First of all, well this is the future so you have written the 4th and 5th book. Second, are there time travelers in this universe? It’d be make sense.
“By not reading book two, you also just forced a large number of people to waste an entire minute reading that recap. I hope you’re satisfied.”—Page 15
The best part of this series is Brandon complaining about recaps in books.
“Rotating Rothfusses!”—Page 15
Rothfuss!
“Oh and see to my son. He will need, er, clothing and things like that.”—Page 32
Does everyone in this universe lack paternal and maternal instincts? Besides Leavenworth?
“She must have been really worried about you, Alcatraz. She ran right over to your side. I—”—Page 34
*Can You Feel The Love, Tonight? Begins playing*
“I glanced over my shoulder, whereupon I noticed a dangerous scaly lizard slithering its way along the sides of the buildings, obviously bent on devouring us all.
‘Behold!’ I bellowed. ‘’Tis a foul beast of the nether-hells. Stand behind me and I shall slay it!’
‘Oh, Alcatraz,’ Bastille breathed. ‘Thou art awesomish and manlyish.’
‘Lo let it be such,’ I said.”—Page 42
This is great.
TALKING. DRAGON. Hey, why can Dragons and Dinosaurs talk but not normal animals? Or can normal animals talk but in the Hushlands they don’t?
“(Though, of course, knights never use the term ‘break wind.’ They prefer the term ‘bang the cymbals.’ Guess that’s what they get for wearing so much armor.)”—Page 47
Best fart joke.
Attica, Kazan and…Pattywagon. One of these names is not like the other.
Immediately when Alcatraz mentioned that the king had red hair, I knew that Bastille was his daughter.
“Bastille got teary eyed. Then she hugged me.”—Page 60
Aw, they are so cute.
Aunt Patty knows what up between Bastille and Alcatraz.
“I should stop and note here that in the years since that day, I’ve grown rather fond of Aunt Pattywagon. This statement has nothing at all to do with the fact that she threatened to toss me out a window if I didn’t include it.”—Page 69
I really like Pattywagon, she’s probably my new favorite character. Her Talent is really silly but makes her hilarious.
“‘Okay, look,’ I said. ‘Horses are not more advanced than cars.’
‘Sure they are,’ Patty said.
‘Why?”
‘Simple. Poop.’
I blinked. ‘Poop?’”—Page 71
Poop. I’m getting flashbacks to Words of Radiance.
“If I could somehow work in barfing, then I’d have a complete potty humor trifecta.”—Page 71
Ah, I love Brandon Sanderson.
“Fame is like a cheeseburger. It might not be the best or most healthy thing to have, but it will still fill you up. You don’t really care how healthy something is when you’ve been without it for so long. Like a cheeseburger, fame fills a need, and it taste so good going down.
It isn’t until years later that you realize what it has done to your heart.”—Page 75
That is actually a perfect metaphor.
“I recall an image: a group of strangely shaped buildings beside the road. I’d seen them before, and I’d always wondered what they were. They looked like small white domes, three or four of them, the size of houses.
As we passed, I turned to my foster mother. ‘Mom, what are those?’
‘That is where the crazy people go,’ she said.
I hadn’t realized there was a mental institution in my town. But it was nice to know where it was. For years after that, when the topic of mental illness came up, I would explain where the hospital was. I was proud, as a child, to know where they took the crazy people when they went…well, crazy.
When I was twelve or so, I remember being driven past that place again with a different foster family. By then I could read. (I was quite advanced for my age, you know.) I noticed the sign hanging on the dome buildings.
It didn’t say the builds were a mental institution. It said they were a church.”—Pages 77-78
*Spits out soda* How has Brandon not been kicked out of his church?
“To be honest, I hadn’t expected the Librarian to be so pretty or so young.”—Page 82
For a second I was scared that this would start a…love triangle. But thankfully it didn’t.
“It had all the elements of a great story—a mystical weapon, a boy on a journey, a quirky sidekicks. But it ended up ruining itself by trying to say something important, rather than just being amusing.”—Page 87
Now, who would do that?
Books play theme songs when you open them? That is awesome.
“‘She Who Cannot Be Named?’ I asked. ‘Why can’t we say her name? Because it might draw the attention of evil powers? Because we’re afraid of her? Because her name has become curse upon the world?
‘Don’t be silly,’ Himalaya said. ‘We don’t say her name because nobody can pronounce it.’”—Page 109
Hahahahaha, is she related to Numuhukumakiaki’aialunamor?
Oh god when they’re chasing Fletcher in the carriage, it’s so cringe-y.
“‘I smacked you,’ said Grandpa Smedry. Then in a slightly lower tone he added, ‘It’s an old family remedy.’
‘For what?’
‘Being a nigglenut,’”—Page 124
Grandpa Smedry really is the only character with a hint of paternal instincts.
Wait a minute the Knights are withholding information. Why? To keep order? I think Horseshoe Theory is at play.
“Oh, and don’t get in my way. If you do, I’ll have to rip our your entrails, dice them into little bits, then feed them to my goldfish. Toodles!”—She Who Cannot Be Named, Pages 156-157
That’s…pleasant…
DON’T EAT THE COOK—Oh, never mind…
“They’ll come up to you and say things like ‘Why are you reading that trash?’ or ‘You should be doing your homework,’ or ‘Help me, I’m on fire!’
Don’t let them distract you. It’s of vital importance that you keep reading. This book is very, very important.
After all, it’s about me.”—Page 165
Sounds good to me.
“‘How could they tell if anything was missing?’ I asked.
‘They can’t,’ Sing said. ‘They figure if nobody can get in to steal books, then they don’t have to keep them counter organized.’
‘That’s stupid.’”—Page 173
Agreed.
“‘Folsom stays suspiciously close to her,’ I said. ‘He rarely lets her out of his sight—I think he’s worried that she’s really a Librarian spy.’”—Page 183
Ah, Brandon…for all your trope subverting, you still manage to succumb one the worst of them all. The idiot teenage boy who doesn’t know a thing about romance.
“‘But what if he gets killed?’ I asked.
‘Then they’ll have to pick a new crown prince,’”—Page 195
I’m glad Bastille is going back to her old self.
“She sat down on a pile. ‘But…but I’m recovering! I’ve been clean for months now! You can’t ask me to go back, you can’t.’”—Page 197
This is ridiculous.
“I am a good Librarian.”—Page 203
Yeah!
“Anyway, that’s beside the point. We should talk to those two and settle this misunderstanding so they can get on with things.”—Alcatraz, who knows what’s up, Page 220
YES! Brandon, you didn’t give a sufficient answer on why Alcatraz should just let Mountain Girl and Dance Boy “work it out”.
“‘He means nothing to me.’
I froze.
It was a lie.”—Page 241
Aw.
“I mean, why is it you readers always assume that you’re never to blame for anything? You just sit there, comfortable on your couch while we suffer. You can enjoy our pain and our misery because you’re safe.
Well, this is real to me. It’s real. It still affects me. Ruins me.”—Page 243
I feel personally attacked…
“I KILLED HIM.”—Page 244
Who?
OH MY GOD ALCATRAZ MARRIED HIMALAYA AND FOLSOM TO GIVE HER THE SMEDRY TALENT! That’s amazing and kinda weird. Also, they’ve only known each other for like…six months. Weird.
“We’d discussed our plan during the chapter break. (Neener neener.)”—Page 255
Much maturity.
“It depicted a bloody skull. Archedis turned toward King Dartmoor.”—Page 269
I love Swcbn.
“Swcbn finally put down her knitting. ‘You,’ she said, ‘are very bad children. No cookies for you.’”—Page 274
Here’s hoping Swcbn comes back, she’s my favorite villain.
“Ah, I thought. That’s right; I forgot. Bastille got around fame’s touch by being a freaking psychopath.”—Page 280
Yeah, she is.
“In that moment, looking at that smile, I could swear that I’d seen him somewhere, long before my visit to the Library of Alexandria.”—Page 282
What? Was there foreshadowing that I missed?
Give Talent to ordinary people? I don’t like the sound of this…with great power and all…
Let her? Excuse me! Alcatraz did not let Fletcher steal the book…you are the most insufferable character ever.
“We can control them.”—Attica, Page 285
Sounds Librarian-y.
GERBIL SNORTING! What a great way to end the story.