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A review by libralita
The Shattered Lens: Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians by Brandon Sanderson
5.0
Reread Review (Spoilers for the ~Entire~ Series): http://libralita.tumblr.com/post/166505227604/reread-review
This book was not stoopid.
~Spoilers~
“My name is Alcatraz Smedry, my Talent is breaking things, and I’m stoopid. Really, really, really stoopid. So stoopid, I don’t know to spell the word stupid.”—Page 11
I love Alcatraz.
Apparently, I’ve been counting wrong, according to the chapter numbers in this book it actually goes:
2, 6, pi, 4½, 42, 144, Act V scene iii, A+, No!, 1010, 25601, 070706, 6.022140857 x 10^23, Four Teens and a Pickle, 8675309, 16, NCC-1701, 4815162342, ???, infinity, infinity + 1
“Also, you may have noticed that this is Chapter Two. You may be wondering where Chapter One went. It turns out that I—being stoopid—lost it. Don’t worry, it was kind of boring anyway. Well, except for the talking llamas.”—Page 15
Oh my god.
Bastille, you hurt people all the damn time.
Koala-flavored ice cream? Ew.
“As a side note, I hate assassination. It looks way too much like a dirty word. Either that or the name of a country populated entirely by two donkeys.”—Page 33
I love Brandon.
“But this isn’t a political conflict!”—Alcatraz, Page 34
I’m pretty sure all wars are political.
Wait…did we know that Bastille’s sister was queen of Mokia? I don’t think that was ever mentioned…
“At that moment, something incredibly happened. Something amazing, something incredible, something unbelievable.
Bastille smiled.”—Page 37
Gag.
“I am a Smedry, and we do ridiculous, unexpected, eccentric things like this all the time! Ha ha!”—Page 44
Okay, that’s true…
The Knights have the power to throw their monarchs into jail…that seems like a flawed system.
“‘Burn him at the stake!’ Grandfather yelled from just behind.”—Page 50
I love Grandpa Smedry.
“I froze in the middle of the hallway. ‘Kaz!’ I exclaimed, point at him.
‘Me!’ he exclaimed back.
‘Idiots!’ Bastille said, pointing at both of us.”—Page 56
Donkey! Oh, c’mon how does this not have a picture to go with it?
The ocean is a…her? What? Is it…alive?
“‘Personally,’ Kaz said, untangling himself from the bushes below, ‘I preferred the part where we flew up into space.’
‘We should have done that in book two,’ Bastille said. ‘Then the cover of the first Hushlands edition would have made sense.’”—Page 69
I wonder why book 2 had that cover.
“‘Aydee, what do you have?’
‘A bubbly, infectious personality!’ she said. ‘And a cute flower in her hair.’
‘Excellent.’”—Page 74
I like her.
“‘One plus one plus one,’ she proclaimed. ‘Six, right?’
I blinked. She’s bad at math…Her Talent, it appeared, had forced the world to match her powers of addition.”—Page 78
That’s…amazing.
The Bestower’s Lenses sounds like the mindstone thing the Knights have. But those are pretty cool.
“They were beefy men, the type with square jaws and stoopid names like Biff, Chad, or Brandon.”—Page 90
Ha!
“‘They talk to flowers!’ Aydee said excitedly.
‘I kind of figured that,’ I said. ‘What kinds of things do they say?’
‘Oh,’ Mallo said, ‘they tend to ramble to a lot and use big words, but there isn’t often much substance to what they say, despite the beauty and ornamentation of the language.’
‘So…er…’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ Mallo said. ‘Their speech is quite flowery.’”—Page 112
Oh my god.
Wow, Angola is hot…and she embodies “once she starts talking, she becomes instantly less hot”.
“Therefore, I will most certainly not tell you what religion has in common with explosive vomiting. (Whew. Glad I didn’t say anything like that. It could have been really offensive.)”—Page 119
BRANDON!
“(Also, if you’re wondering, it’s because both often make you fall to your knees.)”—Page 120
BRANDON!
“So maybe we should, like, go catch a movie together or something,”—Alcatraz, Page 128
AHHHHHHHHHHH YES! YES! OH MY GOD! YES! WAIT—DON’T YOU DATE BACKTRACK! DON’T TAKE IT BACK! YOU ALMOST SUBVERTED THE MOST ANNOYING TROPE! UGH!
Oh my god, Brandon is talking about religion.
“Mormons give up alcohol and coffee.”—Page 135
Wait a minute, so what you’re saying is that Brandon writes all these books…without coffee? He really is a god.
“So which religion is the best? Well, it depends. In my cultivated opinion, I’d suggest Judaism.
But that’s because I prefer the path of yeast resistance.”—Page 135
That’s it. Go to your room. FOREVER. And finish Oathbringer.
Oh, I see why there’s all this talk of religion because the Shattered Lens take Biblioden’s teachings very literally. Like fundamentalist. Also hey I just realized that you can spell Bible with Biblioden’s name.
OH GREAT ALCATRAZ IS NOW IN CHARGE!
“‘I like you,’ she said.
I blinked, right myself. ‘What?’
‘I. Like. You. So I insult you.’”—Page 156
YES! STOP BACK TRACKING AND KEEP GOING WITH THIS! Also, Alcatraz, the correct answer is “I like you, too”.
“It should be noted that Bastille and I are certainly not directly related. At least, we weren’t at that point.”—Page 158
Wait, what?
I’m not going to yawn.
“‘Just keep believing!’ Sounds like the title of a cheesy ’80s rock ballad.”—Page 168
Don’t stop believin’.
Sexybeard…oh my god.
“See? You’re asleep now, aren’t you? That was mind-numbingly, excruciatingly boring. In fact, you’re not even reading this, are you? You’re dozing. I could make fun of your stoopid ears and you would never know.
HEY YOU! WAKE UP!”—Page 179
I love this.
“I have very good ears!”—Page 194
My favorite line.
“I needed a battle cry.
‘Rutabaga!’ I screamed.”—Page 222
RUTABAGA!
“Or maybe you want me to say, ‘Help, there is a snake eating my toes and I forgot to take the jelly out of the oven.’ (If so, I can’t believe you wanted me to say that. You’re a sick, sick person. What does that even mean? Weirdo.)”—Page 226
I’m the weirdo?
“Hmm…If only there were a way for you to tell if I were speaking lies or not.”—Shasta, Page 232
*Snorts*
“‘My mother is a ruthless, malevolent, egocentric Librarian bent on controlling the world!’
‘We all have our faults,’”—Page 234
Shasta has some great lines.
So if Attica finds the secret to the Talents and gives them away to everyone, that’ll destroy the world.
I agree with Shasta, there are some things that only a certain amount of people should know.
“My mother wasn’t the bad guy in all of this.
My father was.”—Page 241
Okay, so at first I was concerned about Attica’s quest but now I’m realizing it’s insane.
“Or maybe you’re screaming ‘Hey, Bozo, stop being so depressed and do something!’”—Page 256
Nah, I usually scream that when I’m reading Kaladin’s part in Stormlight Archive.
“I’d gotten my grandfather to arrive early—by tricking him into thinking he was late.”—Page 259
I had thought about this idea in the first book and apparently I was right!
“So it was that I tore around a corner, completely in the buff, and ran smack dab into the middle of Aluki, Aydee, twenty Mokian soldiers of both genders, and Draulin, Bastille’s mother.”—Page 266
A+
“It was the decision of a surgeon with two patients, one less wounded than the other. Do you abandon the more wounded, let them die while helping the one you can save? Or do you try to help the more wounded, and risk losing them both?”—Page 271
This is something Lirin would say.
“Draulin showed a moment of indecision. ‘She’d want you safe; she is a knight and—’
‘Tough,’”—Page 273
I love Alcatraz. I can’t believe he gave his Talent to all the Knights.
THE TALENTS AREN’T WORKING? He broke the Smedry Talents.
The Highbray. Okay, that name is stoopid.
This is one hell of a cliffhanger and I can’t wait for the next book to get here.
This book was not stoopid.
~Spoilers~
“My name is Alcatraz Smedry, my Talent is breaking things, and I’m stoopid. Really, really, really stoopid. So stoopid, I don’t know to spell the word stupid.”—Page 11
I love Alcatraz.
Apparently, I’ve been counting wrong, according to the chapter numbers in this book it actually goes:
2, 6, pi, 4½, 42, 144, Act V scene iii, A+, No!, 1010, 25601, 070706, 6.022140857 x 10^23, Four Teens and a Pickle, 8675309, 16, NCC-1701, 4815162342, ???, infinity, infinity + 1
“Also, you may have noticed that this is Chapter Two. You may be wondering where Chapter One went. It turns out that I—being stoopid—lost it. Don’t worry, it was kind of boring anyway. Well, except for the talking llamas.”—Page 15
Oh my god.
Bastille, you hurt people all the damn time.
Koala-flavored ice cream? Ew.
“As a side note, I hate assassination. It looks way too much like a dirty word. Either that or the name of a country populated entirely by two donkeys.”—Page 33
I love Brandon.
“But this isn’t a political conflict!”—Alcatraz, Page 34
I’m pretty sure all wars are political.
Wait…did we know that Bastille’s sister was queen of Mokia? I don’t think that was ever mentioned…
“At that moment, something incredibly happened. Something amazing, something incredible, something unbelievable.
Bastille smiled.”—Page 37
Gag.
“I am a Smedry, and we do ridiculous, unexpected, eccentric things like this all the time! Ha ha!”—Page 44
Okay, that’s true…
The Knights have the power to throw their monarchs into jail…that seems like a flawed system.
“‘Burn him at the stake!’ Grandfather yelled from just behind.”—Page 50
I love Grandpa Smedry.
“I froze in the middle of the hallway. ‘Kaz!’ I exclaimed, point at him.
‘Me!’ he exclaimed back.
‘Idiots!’ Bastille said, pointing at both of us.”—Page 56
Donkey! Oh, c’mon how does this not have a picture to go with it?
The ocean is a…her? What? Is it…alive?
“‘Personally,’ Kaz said, untangling himself from the bushes below, ‘I preferred the part where we flew up into space.’
‘We should have done that in book two,’ Bastille said. ‘Then the cover of the first Hushlands edition would have made sense.’”—Page 69
I wonder why book 2 had that cover.
“‘Aydee, what do you have?’
‘A bubbly, infectious personality!’ she said. ‘And a cute flower in her hair.’
‘Excellent.’”—Page 74
I like her.
“‘One plus one plus one,’ she proclaimed. ‘Six, right?’
I blinked. She’s bad at math…Her Talent, it appeared, had forced the world to match her powers of addition.”—Page 78
That’s…amazing.
The Bestower’s Lenses sounds like the mindstone thing the Knights have. But those are pretty cool.
“They were beefy men, the type with square jaws and stoopid names like Biff, Chad, or Brandon.”—Page 90
Ha!
“‘They talk to flowers!’ Aydee said excitedly.
‘I kind of figured that,’ I said. ‘What kinds of things do they say?’
‘Oh,’ Mallo said, ‘they tend to ramble to a lot and use big words, but there isn’t often much substance to what they say, despite the beauty and ornamentation of the language.’
‘So…er…’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ Mallo said. ‘Their speech is quite flowery.’”—Page 112
Oh my god.
Wow, Angola is hot…and she embodies “once she starts talking, she becomes instantly less hot”.
“Therefore, I will most certainly not tell you what religion has in common with explosive vomiting. (Whew. Glad I didn’t say anything like that. It could have been really offensive.)”—Page 119
BRANDON!
“(Also, if you’re wondering, it’s because both often make you fall to your knees.)”—Page 120
BRANDON!
“So maybe we should, like, go catch a movie together or something,”—Alcatraz, Page 128
AHHHHHHHHHHH YES! YES! OH MY GOD! YES! WAIT—DON’T YOU DATE BACKTRACK! DON’T TAKE IT BACK! YOU ALMOST SUBVERTED THE MOST ANNOYING TROPE! UGH!
Oh my god, Brandon is talking about religion.
“Mormons give up alcohol and coffee.”—Page 135
Wait a minute, so what you’re saying is that Brandon writes all these books…without coffee? He really is a god.
“So which religion is the best? Well, it depends. In my cultivated opinion, I’d suggest Judaism.
But that’s because I prefer the path of yeast resistance.”—Page 135
That’s it. Go to your room. FOREVER. And finish Oathbringer.
Oh, I see why there’s all this talk of religion because the Shattered Lens take Biblioden’s teachings very literally. Like fundamentalist. Also hey I just realized that you can spell Bible with Biblioden’s name.
OH GREAT ALCATRAZ IS NOW IN CHARGE!
“‘I like you,’ she said.
I blinked, right myself. ‘What?’
‘I. Like. You. So I insult you.’”—Page 156
YES! STOP BACK TRACKING AND KEEP GOING WITH THIS! Also, Alcatraz, the correct answer is “I like you, too”.
“It should be noted that Bastille and I are certainly not directly related. At least, we weren’t at that point.”—Page 158
Wait, what?
I’m not going to yawn.
“‘Just keep believing!’ Sounds like the title of a cheesy ’80s rock ballad.”—Page 168
Don’t stop believin’.
Sexybeard…oh my god.
“See? You’re asleep now, aren’t you? That was mind-numbingly, excruciatingly boring. In fact, you’re not even reading this, are you? You’re dozing. I could make fun of your stoopid ears and you would never know.
HEY YOU! WAKE UP!”—Page 179
I love this.
“I have very good ears!”—Page 194
My favorite line.
“I needed a battle cry.
‘Rutabaga!’ I screamed.”—Page 222
RUTABAGA!
“Or maybe you want me to say, ‘Help, there is a snake eating my toes and I forgot to take the jelly out of the oven.’ (If so, I can’t believe you wanted me to say that. You’re a sick, sick person. What does that even mean? Weirdo.)”—Page 226
I’m the weirdo?
“Hmm…If only there were a way for you to tell if I were speaking lies or not.”—Shasta, Page 232
*Snorts*
“‘My mother is a ruthless, malevolent, egocentric Librarian bent on controlling the world!’
‘We all have our faults,’”—Page 234
Shasta has some great lines.
So if Attica finds the secret to the Talents and gives them away to everyone, that’ll destroy the world.
I agree with Shasta, there are some things that only a certain amount of people should know.
“My mother wasn’t the bad guy in all of this.
My father was.”—Page 241
Okay, so at first I was concerned about Attica’s quest but now I’m realizing it’s insane.
“Or maybe you’re screaming ‘Hey, Bozo, stop being so depressed and do something!’”—Page 256
Nah, I usually scream that when I’m reading Kaladin’s part in Stormlight Archive.
“I’d gotten my grandfather to arrive early—by tricking him into thinking he was late.”—Page 259
I had thought about this idea in the first book and apparently I was right!
“So it was that I tore around a corner, completely in the buff, and ran smack dab into the middle of Aluki, Aydee, twenty Mokian soldiers of both genders, and Draulin, Bastille’s mother.”—Page 266
A+
“It was the decision of a surgeon with two patients, one less wounded than the other. Do you abandon the more wounded, let them die while helping the one you can save? Or do you try to help the more wounded, and risk losing them both?”—Page 271
This is something Lirin would say.
“Draulin showed a moment of indecision. ‘She’d want you safe; she is a knight and—’
‘Tough,’”—Page 273
I love Alcatraz. I can’t believe he gave his Talent to all the Knights.
THE TALENTS AREN’T WORKING? He broke the Smedry Talents.
The Highbray. Okay, that name is stoopid.
This is one hell of a cliffhanger and I can’t wait for the next book to get here.