A review by blyttgh
The Pisces by Melissa Broder

4.0

03/27/24 a lot of men and not enough lesbians

“I don't know that we are ever really okay in life, but there are times when we feel closer to it—when we don't remember what it feels like to suffer. During these times we are moving forward in the void, forgetting we are going nowhere, so the void feels less daunting.” 41

“I would go sit on the toilet immediately after he came. This was partially to avoid getting a urinary tract infection, but also so he wouldn’t see me frowning. When he found me sitting there sadly, I told him it was because the sex made me feel such powerful things. But really what I felt was despair: that this was all there would be, forever and ever and ever, until of course it wasn't.” 63 

"So which poets do you like?" he asked.
"Me, no one at the moment. I actually want to kill all of poetry. If there was no more poetry left in the world I would be fine with it."
"I hate art too," he said.
"Really?" I asked.
"No." He grinned.
65 

“I was playing it cool. Look how chill I was. But I felt angry and sad. This wasn't what I was in this for. I mean, it was something, at least, not just ordinary, hollow life. It was a stab at the nothingness. But I had wanted him to really fall for me, obsess about me. Had I been used? Could you be used if you were also using the other person? Did the one who came automatically become the user? Or was the one who was less attached automatically the user?” 88

“But what kind of person didn't try to talk their friend out of killing herself? I didn't want to tell her that she had to live for her children. I knew that she felt bad enough about them already. I could have told her what an amazing and fun and funny person she was, but I knew that right now it all felt to her like just a performance. Her charming personality was only more heaviness—another mask that she was going to have to pick up again to prove she hadn't lost it in the depression. The only reason to put it on again was out of fear that she might never get it back. Otherwise, there was no real reason to have to put on a heavy costume every day. It was too tiring.” 131

"Please stay with me," I said. "I need you."
But she told me she had exams, and while she wanted to stay with me, she had to go back or she wouldn't complete the semester. I felt totally rejected, but I did not judge her. I looked up to her, and my world had already been so destroyed by the death of my mother that I couldn't afford to be angry with her. But it hurt, nonetheless. So instead I judged myself. I made myself wrong for needing someone, for revealing that need. I needed more than the universe could give me. Clearly my feelings were too big for the universe to hold, too disgusting. I would not put them out there like that again. I didn't even want to have to feel them myself.
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