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A review by nghia
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan
2.0
This suffers from the typical parenting book flaw of being far too long for what it actually is. And it is only 220 pages, so that's saying something.
This book has two parts. The first part is how to get you kids to stop doing obnoxious things. The advice is "counting". When they start doing it say "That's one". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's two". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's three. Go to your room for a timeout."
That's it. For 100 pages. It is, frankly, a ridiculous amount of pointless repetition and elaboration. What if they're arguing? Count. What if they're yelling? Count. What if they do it at a supermarket? Doesn't matter, count. You get the idea.
Wrapped around this is the idea that your discipline should be cold and dispassionate. These are the rules. You're not arguing. You're not explaining. You're not yelling or wheedling or begging. You're just counting calmly, giving them a chance to realise the error of their ways, and then following up with clear, systematic, and appropriate punishment.
I mean, for what it is, this honestly seems like a pretty good technique to know about, despite the extremely long-winded presentation.
I do have some pretty major reservations, though. The way they suggest applying it feels pretty....cavalier and unfair, I guess? They give an example: you walk into the living room and see your kid jumping on the couch. They've never done this before, so there isn't exactly some standing rule of "no jumping on the couch". What should you do? Just out of nowhere start counting, "That's one." If they stop, confused, and ask "What did I do?" then you can explain.
But the bigger problem is...the book feels super focused on this kind of controlling behaviour via swift and certain punishment. No doubt there are times, and families, where that is necessary. But it feels like it should be one technique among many. One chapter is a bigger book.
Sure, there's the second half of the book which is about how to get your kids to start doing good things (homework, getting ready in the morning, going to bed, etc). We get seven techniques with roughly the same amount of space given to them as the single technique for stopping obnoxious behaviour.
And it is hard not to be a bit underwhelmed by the seven techniques. #1) Give praise. Okay, sometimes the obvious thing isn't obvious. I get that. Still.....
Or #3) the docking system. "If you don't do X, then you'll lose Y." If you don't finish your homework then you lose your PlayStation for a week. If you forget to walk the dog, you lose $1 from your allowance.
Again, just...did you need a book to tell to try this? And also, back to a certain kind of punishment and reward structure. Overall the book feels like doesn't put enough focus on how to build a good relationship and good habits. That focus might be appropriate if you're already in crisis mode and just want to solve problems. But it means this probably shouldn't be your first or only book on parental discipline.
So...overall fairly underwhelmed and slightly negative. The book does have some good ideas, especially in the later section. How to get a kid to eat their vegetables? Try small portions and kitchen timer, or the 3-out-of-4 rule, or the divide-and-conquer routine. I like these grab bags of various ideas to try. It is a fairly stark contrast from the "just do counting" advice of the first half of the book, though.
This book has two parts. The first part is how to get you kids to stop doing obnoxious things. The advice is "counting". When they start doing it say "That's one". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's two". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's three. Go to your room for a timeout."
That's it. For 100 pages. It is, frankly, a ridiculous amount of pointless repetition and elaboration. What if they're arguing? Count. What if they're yelling? Count. What if they do it at a supermarket? Doesn't matter, count. You get the idea.
Wrapped around this is the idea that your discipline should be cold and dispassionate. These are the rules. You're not arguing. You're not explaining. You're not yelling or wheedling or begging. You're just counting calmly, giving them a chance to realise the error of their ways, and then following up with clear, systematic, and appropriate punishment.
I mean, for what it is, this honestly seems like a pretty good technique to know about, despite the extremely long-winded presentation.
I do have some pretty major reservations, though. The way they suggest applying it feels pretty....cavalier and unfair, I guess? They give an example: you walk into the living room and see your kid jumping on the couch. They've never done this before, so there isn't exactly some standing rule of "no jumping on the couch". What should you do? Just out of nowhere start counting, "That's one." If they stop, confused, and ask "What did I do?" then you can explain.
But the bigger problem is...the book feels super focused on this kind of controlling behaviour via swift and certain punishment. No doubt there are times, and families, where that is necessary. But it feels like it should be one technique among many. One chapter is a bigger book.
Sure, there's the second half of the book which is about how to get your kids to start doing good things (homework, getting ready in the morning, going to bed, etc). We get seven techniques with roughly the same amount of space given to them as the single technique for stopping obnoxious behaviour.
And it is hard not to be a bit underwhelmed by the seven techniques. #1) Give praise. Okay, sometimes the obvious thing isn't obvious. I get that. Still.....
Or #3) the docking system. "If you don't do X, then you'll lose Y." If you don't finish your homework then you lose your PlayStation for a week. If you forget to walk the dog, you lose $1 from your allowance.
Again, just...did you need a book to tell to try this? And also, back to a certain kind of punishment and reward structure. Overall the book feels like doesn't put enough focus on how to build a good relationship and good habits. That focus might be appropriate if you're already in crisis mode and just want to solve problems. But it means this probably shouldn't be your first or only book on parental discipline.
So...overall fairly underwhelmed and slightly negative. The book does have some good ideas, especially in the later section. How to get a kid to eat their vegetables? Try small portions and kitchen timer, or the 3-out-of-4 rule, or the divide-and-conquer routine. I like these grab bags of various ideas to try. It is a fairly stark contrast from the "just do counting" advice of the first half of the book, though.