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A review by aforestofbooks
When a Brown Girl Flees by Aamna Qureshi
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
sad
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
4.0
When I first heard about this book, I immediately thought two things:
1. has the author been a fly on my wall because how did she write this book to specifically attack ME??
2. this is the book I wish I had written
Y'all know how picky I am when it comes to contemporary books, especially written by Muslim authors. Half the time the rep we're given isn't the rep I want to see in a book, so I'm always a little hesitant. But first the title, and then the synopsis of this book, took a hold on me and wouldn't let go. So, I decided to risk it and request from edelweiss (who love to decline me for arcs, so I had little hope), and to my surprise they approved me. Did I mention the book is practically my life and I've also in a way run away from my brown family...no of course not. Why would I profit off my trauma? Anyways...
This was a book I needed five years ago. Or maybe even last year. I think it would have given me the hope that maybe life could get better and I could be happier and find a home that felt like home. I'm still glad I got to read this in 2023, because things do not miraculously get better the second you get away. It's a journey and a process as Zahra experiences.
I do think in many ways Zahra was lucky. She had money in her own bank account and the ability to travel to another state. And she was able to find people to take her in, who in return helped her stand on her own two feet without asking too many questions. I won't lie. I considered doing what Zahra did many times. But not having money or a plan to survive in a new city with nothing was daunting. And reaching out for help from a mosque would have been dangerous since I come from a minority within a minority, and that would mean news travelling back very fast.
The whole premise of this book is Zahra running away from home a few days before she's set to be married. And while she does "agree" to get married, it's not exactly one of those "yes, I really want to get married!" but more of a "yes, I'll get married because it'll make my mom happy and keep the peace at home and I don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm too depressed to care anymore even though I do care but it doesn't matter if I care because no one cares what I want" and to say I felt that would be an understatement.
Zahra running away from home to escape a marriage and life she doesn't want 🤝 Sakina moving away from home to escape a marriage and life she doesn't want.
And while my "When A Brown Girl Flees" story is less dramatic than Zahra's, I related in every way to her story.
I don't know what it is about brown families, but why is the dad always never getting along with the son and more soft-hearted and forgiving towards his daughter, whereas the mom is ready to throw hands and insults and be passive aggressive and openly abusive. Because it was captured perfectly in this book.
Zahra's relationship with her mother was so eerily familiar. The silent treatment, feeling unwelcome in your own home, having to hide certain things from other family members, feeling like your own mother hates you and would rather you were dead. These are such real feelings and experiences. And I know a lot of people want to read books about Muslims in love and not going through the "stereotypical" stories we hear about, but stories like this are just as important.
I think my favourite part about this book was Zahra reconnecting with her faith and with Allah, really learning to speak to him, and asking for forgiveness, and realizing that Allah is always there for her and will accept her with open arms and mercy. The moments when she recognizes Allah's grace and mercy in her day-to-day life, when she says Alhamdulillah or Mashallah or Subhanallah...it's still so rare to see conversations about this in books. I think trials like the one Zahra went through in this book can either push you away from faith or pull you closer, and we kind of get to see both. That sukoon you feel when you realize that no one might have your back except Allah is such a good feeling, I can't even describe it. One thing I've realized in the past year or so of living on my own is that even during the toughest times, when I thought nothing was going to change and life was never going to get better, Allah was always there. And even if I felt completely alone and had no one, he was there to watch over me and comfort me. And I think that's the beauty in difficult situations. You create such a close relationship with your faith sometimes that you almost become protective of it.
Another part of this book I loved were all the friendships Zahra made with the other Muslim girls, specifically Haya and Sadaf. To find a community that accepts you and makes you feel like you're one of them and loved and cared for is so rare. It's not something I've yet to experience, but I wish for it so badly because you get to be surrounded by people who believe the same things you believe and if you truly trust them, you can talk about some of your deepest struggles and get the kind of religious sisterly support you need. Haya's love and support honestly made me cry. Seeing their friendship develop and how close her and Zahra become made me so happy. Finding your own found family is so important when you can't be close to your own.
The other Muslim girls were also so much fun, and I'm excited to read Aamna's next book that focuses on one of them. I have a feeling we might also get a certain wedding, so I'm just all round ready to squeal. In some ways this is giving me flashbacks to Misfit in Love, which makes me happy.
I'm really glad we got to see Zahra make a life for herself before she goes back home. But I think what fell through for me was the ending of this book.
I understand Zahra missing her family. I understand her hating her mom, yet also loving her and missing her. And the need to have family be a part of your life. It's something I still struggle with. The dichotomy between setting boundaries and trying to build a life I want to live where I can be myself and not be subjected to abuse, yet also wishing I could be with my family and live the life I used to live (or at least all the happy parts). Everyone wants support and love from their family, and it might be because we've been conditioned to believe that that love is superior to all other love, so we begin to make excuses for certain behaviours... My main issue for the ending was that while Zahra understood she had to do what she did (ie. running away from home), she recognizes it was wrong to leave without telling her family where she was going. And for me that just doesn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes running away is the only way because if you were to try and talk about it with your family you'll end up nowhere and probably more stuck or worse off. And everything we saw (from Zahra's perspective), her mom did not seem like the kind of person who wants to sit and listen to her daughter's opinion. It was pretty clear early on she made her daughter's life miserable after finding out what her daughter did, to the point where Zahra felt like she couldn't breathe in her own house, where she felt like if she ever spoke up or argued about something that everything she said would be twisted back to what she had done, where she felt she had no choice and was walking on eggshells around her mother. That environment is not conducive to a healthy, sit-down discussion. And most brown kids know that that isn't possible.
The initial scene where her mom sees her again for the first time in so many months went exactly how I would have expected it to go. But Zahra is determined to get her mom's forgiveness because she can't move on without it. The conversation she eventually has with her mom though, really made no sense to me. It contradicted all her previous behaviour and blamed it on miscommunication when it really wasn't miscommunication??
Zahra asks her mom for a second chance and her mom is all like "I don't need to give you a second chance, I know you're a good girl, I would never think you're an awful person just because you made one mistake" ...yet her mom's actions were what forced Zahra to finally runaway. And then when Zahra says something about her mom hating her, her mom denies hating her and I don't think people have the same definition of hatred as I do, but sometimes actions speak louder than words and I don't think Zahra's mom's actions could be described as love. And while we do get some cultural background which makes sense and explains some of Zahra's mom's actions and ways of thinking, things continue and everything is kind of blamed on Zahra shutting everyone out and not talking to her mom about her feelings (except apparently her mom wanted to help and talk to her and be there for her) and because of that her mom got angry and did all those horrible things... and it just made zero logical sense to me.
It almost felt like they were just going in circles and her mom was actually a whole different person this entire time. And while they both accept they're at fault, it just didn't feel like a realistic conversation for me. And I get that the author was going for a happier ending, where things are still awkward and there's a lot of healing left to go, and maybe this is like a best case scenario kind of thing and maybe I'm just salty cause I cannot see this same conversation going this way with my mom, but it just annoyed me how her mom changes into a completely different person. And maybe we can blame this on almost losing her daughter causing this change, but the way I see it, and Zahra even sums it up pretty well in the book, that her mom, and I feel like brown moms in general, seem to easily forgive and forget their son's mistakes, but constantly bring up their daughter's mistakes to make sure they never forget what they did.
So, while the ending is nice and Zahra goes back to NYC with the support and love from her family, I can't help feeling like irl this wouldn't happen. And a part of me wants to know what to do in that case. How do you live a life knowing your family doesn't like you and resents you and probably doesn't love you the way you want to be loved and won't change? Because I think that's a real experience many people face. So how do you deal with not being forgiven or accepted. I'm definitely projecting my life experiences too much onto this book which makes it difficult for me to enjoy the ending and maybe, who knows, I could have an ending like this one day, but because that seems so far right now, it just makes me more sad than anything.
Anyway, to leave on a brighter note. If you're brown and Muslim this is a must read. The Muslim rep was done so well and all the Pakistani culture was so relatable and felt like home. Literally at one point, Zahra makes chicken pulao and I'm going to make pulao tomorrow cause I'm craving it now. I think if you're a fan of Love from A to Z/Misfits in Love etc. you'll get very similar vibes in this book. I loved the focus on faith and finding yourself and realizing who you are away from a toxic environment. There's a line where Zahra is trying to listen to something Haya is saying but all she can hear is her mom's voice in her head and she realizes how she's lived her life with her mom's voice in her head constantly criticizing everything. Zahra really grows into her own and I loved her character development throughout the book. It has its ups and downs because that's life, and just because you come to realize some important things about yourself, doesn't mean the depression and anxiety goes away immediately. I really did love the representation we got about that.
(Make sure to check out the trigger warnings before reading this book though, since there are a few).
1. has the author been a fly on my wall because how did she write this book to specifically attack ME??
2. this is the book I wish I had written
Y'all know how picky I am when it comes to contemporary books, especially written by Muslim authors. Half the time the rep we're given isn't the rep I want to see in a book, so I'm always a little hesitant. But first the title, and then the synopsis of this book, took a hold on me and wouldn't let go. So, I decided to risk it and request from edelweiss (who love to decline me for arcs, so I had little hope), and to my surprise they approved me. Did I mention the book is practically my life and I've also in a way run away from my brown family...no of course not. Why would I profit off my trauma? Anyways...
This was a book I needed five years ago. Or maybe even last year. I think it would have given me the hope that maybe life could get better and I could be happier and find a home that felt like home. I'm still glad I got to read this in 2023, because things do not miraculously get better the second you get away. It's a journey and a process as Zahra experiences.
I do think in many ways Zahra was lucky. She had money in her own bank account and the ability to travel to another state. And she was able to find people to take her in, who in return helped her stand on her own two feet without asking too many questions. I won't lie. I considered doing what Zahra did many times. But not having money or a plan to survive in a new city with nothing was daunting. And reaching out for help from a mosque would have been dangerous since I come from a minority within a minority, and that would mean news travelling back very fast.
The whole premise of this book is Zahra running away from home a few days before she's set to be married. And while she does "agree" to get married, it's not exactly one of those "yes, I really want to get married!" but more of a "yes, I'll get married because it'll make my mom happy and keep the peace at home and I don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm too depressed to care anymore even though I do care but it doesn't matter if I care because no one cares what I want" and to say I felt that would be an understatement.
Zahra running away from home to escape a marriage and life she doesn't want 🤝 Sakina moving away from home to escape a marriage and life she doesn't want.
And while my "When A Brown Girl Flees" story is less dramatic than Zahra's, I related in every way to her story.
I don't know what it is about brown families, but why is the dad always never getting along with the son and more soft-hearted and forgiving towards his daughter, whereas the mom is ready to throw hands and insults and be passive aggressive and openly abusive. Because it was captured perfectly in this book.
Zahra's relationship with her mother was so eerily familiar. The silent treatment, feeling unwelcome in your own home, having to hide certain things from other family members, feeling like your own mother hates you and would rather you were dead. These are such real feelings and experiences. And I know a lot of people want to read books about Muslims in love and not going through the "stereotypical" stories we hear about, but stories like this are just as important.
I think my favourite part about this book was Zahra reconnecting with her faith and with Allah, really learning to speak to him, and asking for forgiveness, and realizing that Allah is always there for her and will accept her with open arms and mercy. The moments when she recognizes Allah's grace and mercy in her day-to-day life, when she says Alhamdulillah or Mashallah or Subhanallah...it's still so rare to see conversations about this in books. I think trials like the one Zahra went through in this book can either push you away from faith or pull you closer, and we kind of get to see both. That sukoon you feel when you realize that no one might have your back except Allah is such a good feeling, I can't even describe it. One thing I've realized in the past year or so of living on my own is that even during the toughest times, when I thought nothing was going to change and life was never going to get better, Allah was always there. And even if I felt completely alone and had no one, he was there to watch over me and comfort me. And I think that's the beauty in difficult situations. You create such a close relationship with your faith sometimes that you almost become protective of it.
Another part of this book I loved were all the friendships Zahra made with the other Muslim girls, specifically Haya and Sadaf. To find a community that accepts you and makes you feel like you're one of them and loved and cared for is so rare. It's not something I've yet to experience, but I wish for it so badly because you get to be surrounded by people who believe the same things you believe and if you truly trust them, you can talk about some of your deepest struggles and get the kind of religious sisterly support you need. Haya's love and support honestly made me cry. Seeing their friendship develop and how close her and Zahra become made me so happy. Finding your own found family is so important when you can't be close to your own.
The other Muslim girls were also so much fun, and I'm excited to read Aamna's next book that focuses on one of them. I have a feeling we might also get a certain wedding, so I'm just all round ready to squeal. In some ways this is giving me flashbacks to Misfit in Love, which makes me happy.
I'm really glad we got to see Zahra make a life for herself before she goes back home. But I think what fell through for me was the ending of this book.
I understand Zahra missing her family. I understand her hating her mom, yet also loving her and missing her. And the need to have family be a part of your life. It's something I still struggle with. The dichotomy between setting boundaries and trying to build a life I want to live where I can be myself and not be subjected to abuse, yet also wishing I could be with my family and live the life I used to live (or at least all the happy parts). Everyone wants support and love from their family, and it might be because we've been conditioned to believe that that love is superior to all other love, so we begin to make excuses for certain behaviours... My main issue for the ending was that while Zahra understood she had to do what she did (ie. running away from home), she recognizes it was wrong to leave without telling her family where she was going. And for me that just doesn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes running away is the only way because if you were to try and talk about it with your family you'll end up nowhere and probably more stuck or worse off. And everything we saw (from Zahra's perspective), her mom did not seem like the kind of person who wants to sit and listen to her daughter's opinion. It was pretty clear early on she made her daughter's life miserable after finding out what her daughter did, to the point where Zahra felt like she couldn't breathe in her own house, where she felt like if she ever spoke up or argued about something that everything she said would be twisted back to what she had done, where she felt she had no choice and was walking on eggshells around her mother. That environment is not conducive to a healthy, sit-down discussion. And most brown kids know that that isn't possible.
The initial scene where her mom sees her again for the first time in so many months went exactly how I would have expected it to go. But Zahra is determined to get her mom's forgiveness because she can't move on without it. The conversation she eventually has with her mom though, really made no sense to me. It contradicted all her previous behaviour and blamed it on miscommunication when it really wasn't miscommunication??
Zahra asks her mom for a second chance and her mom is all like "I don't need to give you a second chance, I know you're a good girl, I would never think you're an awful person just because you made one mistake" ...yet her mom's actions were what forced Zahra to finally runaway. And then when Zahra says something about her mom hating her, her mom denies hating her and I don't think people have the same definition of hatred as I do, but sometimes actions speak louder than words and I don't think Zahra's mom's actions could be described as love. And while we do get some cultural background which makes sense and explains some of Zahra's mom's actions and ways of thinking, things continue and everything is kind of blamed on Zahra shutting everyone out and not talking to her mom about her feelings (except apparently her mom wanted to help and talk to her and be there for her) and because of that her mom got angry and did all those horrible things... and it just made zero logical sense to me.
It almost felt like they were just going in circles and her mom was actually a whole different person this entire time. And while they both accept they're at fault, it just didn't feel like a realistic conversation for me. And I get that the author was going for a happier ending, where things are still awkward and there's a lot of healing left to go, and maybe this is like a best case scenario kind of thing and maybe I'm just salty cause I cannot see this same conversation going this way with my mom, but it just annoyed me how her mom changes into a completely different person. And maybe we can blame this on almost losing her daughter causing this change, but the way I see it, and Zahra even sums it up pretty well in the book, that her mom, and I feel like brown moms in general, seem to easily forgive and forget their son's mistakes, but constantly bring up their daughter's mistakes to make sure they never forget what they did.
So, while the ending is nice and Zahra goes back to NYC with the support and love from her family, I can't help feeling like irl this wouldn't happen. And a part of me wants to know what to do in that case. How do you live a life knowing your family doesn't like you and resents you and probably doesn't love you the way you want to be loved and won't change? Because I think that's a real experience many people face. So how do you deal with not being forgiven or accepted. I'm definitely projecting my life experiences too much onto this book which makes it difficult for me to enjoy the ending and maybe, who knows, I could have an ending like this one day, but because that seems so far right now, it just makes me more sad than anything.
Anyway, to leave on a brighter note. If you're brown and Muslim this is a must read. The Muslim rep was done so well and all the Pakistani culture was so relatable and felt like home. Literally at one point, Zahra makes chicken pulao and I'm going to make pulao tomorrow cause I'm craving it now. I think if you're a fan of Love from A to Z/Misfits in Love etc. you'll get very similar vibes in this book. I loved the focus on faith and finding yourself and realizing who you are away from a toxic environment. There's a line where Zahra is trying to listen to something Haya is saying but all she can hear is her mom's voice in her head and she realizes how she's lived her life with her mom's voice in her head constantly criticizing everything. Zahra really grows into her own and I loved her character development throughout the book. It has its ups and downs because that's life, and just because you come to realize some important things about yourself, doesn't mean the depression and anxiety goes away immediately. I really did love the representation we got about that.
(Make sure to check out the trigger warnings before reading this book though, since there are a few).