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A review by distractedhobbyist
Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date by Katie Heaney
1.0
Perhaps I'm not the age demographic for this autobiographical dating memoir, but I did not enjoy this book. I really wanted to give up on this book. It didn't really capture my attention. I picked it up because I thought it would be relatable, given the title seems to describe me in a sense, but I didn't get what I had hoped out of it. It wasn't funny, amusing, or particularly interesting, perhaps because I relate too much.
The book is realistic. I can relate to many of her internal conflicts and struggles. I was hoping for a happy ending, or at least some insight, which the book didn't offer. I struggle to find the purpose of the book, is it for all of us on the same boat and so we feel less lonely? I mean, media portrays everyone in happy relations, and many of them by the time they're in their late twenties, so I suppose it is nice to know that there are others in the same boat.
The title is a misnomer, her life so far without a date. It's established that she went on dates, she just didn't have a boyfriend for quarter of a century, which are two entirely different situations. And I would know.
The story starts with her in childhood, how she was boy crazy, tried to capture their attention, which persisted until adulthood. There were many attempts, and "hanging outs" (literally hanging out, not people calling dates by something different), and some which seems to be a date. There are miscommunication, struggles to find the secret code to being in a relationship, wondering why does everyone else have a handbook to go by as they're going on dates, falling into and out of relationships, and you're here wondering what went wrong.
And then everyone is talking about this online dating thing. You struggle with it, I mean, it conveys a certain something. Your friends kind of force you into it (with the best intentions) and even joins you on it! You deactivate because you weren't feeling it, and it's just not for you. And then you realize you're getting up there in age, have never really dated, and decided why not, let's give online dating a try, real life isn't working out.
This time, you put effort into it. You try to make the best profile, that sounds like you, with enough quirks to make you interesting, but not too weird. And, it sucks. People suck. Dating sucks. And you continue to plod along, hoping for something. The conversations fizzle, but eventually you go on a date and it was okay.
Oh wait, it's a review. The author experienced the same exact thing too. In the same order.
And then you get to the end of the book, hoping for some wisdom, some insight, the handbook! But alas, your best friend who is a "lighthouse" and was in a committed relationship for years suddenly isn't in it, and you will all struggle together, but it's okay, because you and your best friend will be in the city and living together. Huh, at least her best friend is with her. That was the uplifting end.
I enjoyed the importance and presence of her friends (her cabinet) so to speak. How she would freak out and run every message and concern and fleeting thought by them. And they, the patient consultants, would patiently trying to explain how things work, and not shake you in exasperation. The bits about friendship were the highlights of this story, and the description was so nuanced and relatable. Would it be possible to have friendship as the main point, and the background be the dating struggle?
The online dating section was also much more relatable than the rest of the book, probably because anyone who has tried it would know exactly what she's talking about, regardless of the chosen platform/service. The archetypes. Now, I want a story from the male perspective, I wonder what kind of female online dating personas there are...anyway, her internal conflict and struggle with online dating was visceral. I had similar thoughts, and know of someone who voiced the same concerns.
The highlight of the online dating chapter was that her first (and only?) online date went on for 5 hours. That also sounds familiar. What? There are missing handbooks, didn't get the memo for a normal date length. And afterwards, her friends were all waiting, squeeing, and clamoring to know what happened? How was it? It went on for so long, it must have been amazing! Nah, it was lackluster, but it just kind of went on and didn't know how to stop it. So, really, when one says, "it's okay", it was just exactly that. Okay.
And unfortunately, just like my experience with this book. It was okay. I plodded through, hoping that something would spark and it would lead to something, but the magic didn't happen for me.
The ending was lackluster, maybe my expectations aren't realistic, I was hoping for some magic solution or something with closure, so it could feel like there is hope, but the book didn't offer that. In that way, perhaps it is very good, just like life, and people who ghost you, there is sometimes no real closure, and you're just left hanging for a little bit more.
I find Aziz Ansari's book, Modern Romance, to be a much better and interesting read. It was overall a singles lament as well, and didn't offer a magical solutions, but it was interesting, well-researched/documented, and have suggestions.
At the end, the author came to the conclusion that her life had many turning points in her relationship with males. Her life would have been very different if she were braver, took the plunge, etc. but she doesn't regret her actions, or lack thereof.
Was it awful and the worst book I ever read? No, I finished it after all. Would I recommend it? Maaaaaaaybe, to someone in high school or before starting college.
The book is realistic. I can relate to many of her internal conflicts and struggles. I was hoping for a happy ending, or at least some insight, which the book didn't offer. I struggle to find the purpose of the book, is it for all of us on the same boat and so we feel less lonely? I mean, media portrays everyone in happy relations, and many of them by the time they're in their late twenties, so I suppose it is nice to know that there are others in the same boat.
The title is a misnomer, her life so far without a date. It's established that she went on dates, she just didn't have a boyfriend for quarter of a century, which are two entirely different situations. And I would know.
The story starts with her in childhood, how she was boy crazy, tried to capture their attention, which persisted until adulthood. There were many attempts, and "hanging outs" (literally hanging out, not people calling dates by something different), and some which seems to be a date. There are miscommunication, struggles to find the secret code to being in a relationship, wondering why does everyone else have a handbook to go by as they're going on dates, falling into and out of relationships, and you're here wondering what went wrong.
And then everyone is talking about this online dating thing. You struggle with it, I mean, it conveys a certain something. Your friends kind of force you into it (with the best intentions) and even joins you on it! You deactivate because you weren't feeling it, and it's just not for you. And then you realize you're getting up there in age, have never really dated, and decided why not, let's give online dating a try, real life isn't working out.
This time, you put effort into it. You try to make the best profile, that sounds like you, with enough quirks to make you interesting, but not too weird. And, it sucks. People suck. Dating sucks. And you continue to plod along, hoping for something. The conversations fizzle, but eventually you go on a date and it was okay.
Oh wait, it's a review. The author experienced the same exact thing too. In the same order.
And then you get to the end of the book, hoping for some wisdom, some insight, the handbook! But alas, your best friend who is a "lighthouse" and was in a committed relationship for years suddenly isn't in it, and you will all struggle together, but it's okay, because you and your best friend will be in the city and living together. Huh, at least her best friend is with her. That was the uplifting end.
I enjoyed the importance and presence of her friends (her cabinet) so to speak. How she would freak out and run every message and concern and fleeting thought by them. And they, the patient consultants, would patiently trying to explain how things work, and not shake you in exasperation. The bits about friendship were the highlights of this story, and the description was so nuanced and relatable. Would it be possible to have friendship as the main point, and the background be the dating struggle?
The online dating section was also much more relatable than the rest of the book, probably because anyone who has tried it would know exactly what she's talking about, regardless of the chosen platform/service. The archetypes. Now, I want a story from the male perspective, I wonder what kind of female online dating personas there are...anyway, her internal conflict and struggle with online dating was visceral. I had similar thoughts, and know of someone who voiced the same concerns.
The highlight of the online dating chapter was that her first (and only?) online date went on for 5 hours. That also sounds familiar. What? There are missing handbooks, didn't get the memo for a normal date length. And afterwards, her friends were all waiting, squeeing, and clamoring to know what happened? How was it? It went on for so long, it must have been amazing! Nah, it was lackluster, but it just kind of went on and didn't know how to stop it. So, really, when one says, "it's okay", it was just exactly that. Okay.
And unfortunately, just like my experience with this book. It was okay. I plodded through, hoping that something would spark and it would lead to something, but the magic didn't happen for me.
The ending was lackluster, maybe my expectations aren't realistic, I was hoping for some magic solution or something with closure, so it could feel like there is hope, but the book didn't offer that. In that way, perhaps it is very good, just like life, and people who ghost you, there is sometimes no real closure, and you're just left hanging for a little bit more.
I find Aziz Ansari's book, Modern Romance, to be a much better and interesting read. It was overall a singles lament as well, and didn't offer a magical solutions, but it was interesting, well-researched/documented, and have suggestions.
At the end, the author came to the conclusion that her life had many turning points in her relationship with males. Her life would have been very different if she were braver, took the plunge, etc. but she doesn't regret her actions, or lack thereof.
Was it awful and the worst book I ever read? No, I finished it after all. Would I recommend it? Maaaaaaaybe, to someone in high school or before starting college.