A review by laurenandrikanich
Since I Laid My Burden Down by Brontez Purnell

dark emotional funny reflective medium-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Loveable characters? It's complicated

4.25

 

i’m always a sucker for stream-of-consciousness. one of the things i really liked about this book was that the severe abuse DeShawn endured often didn’t feel monumental (TW: SA) when DeShawn reflects on his first “lover,” he introduces him as such, even though we later find out that DeShawn was only 12-years-old, and his “lover” was 17. DeShawn even comes to his defense, saying he didn’t tell anyone at first because people would /think/ he was being molested, even thought we— and later, an older DeShawn— know that’s exactly what happened. DeShawn describes cycles of dead lovers, relatives, whose rooms he nearly always cleaned out after they had passed, and we see how much love DeShawn had for them with the way he cared for their things, observed what was left of their lives, even when coupled with the trauma they left him with. as we see DeShawn through decades of never /fully/ being loved by anyone, it’s easy to see why he can accept both love and abuse to be fact— even if they were perpetuated by the same person. he has not known anyone to love him and not also fail him. lover and abuser, beloved uncle and drunk driver, both cherished and absent father. 

my only disappointment was to see DeShawn fall into this pattern at the end, after he sleeps with a barely 16-year-old boy. i hate seeing this trope in queer works (there’s SO MUCH grooming) but I also think this contributes to the overarching theme of abuse feeling tender in the moment, so I don’t know how to feel about it. i think it really drove home the point that DeShawn did not fully realize yet that those two things are completely separate— so much so that he could perpetuate it with seemingly no guilt— but it was still the hardest part of the book for me to get through.