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A review by libralita
Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians by Brandon Sanderson
5.0
Reread Review (Spoilers for the ~Entire~ Series): http://libralita.tumblr.com/post/165027533559/reread-review
I really regret reading this book because now it’s going to be a stiff competition between this and Oathbringer for my favorite of the year. I forget if it was a review or someone told me that you should wait until you’re familiar with Brandon’s humor. I will also recommend that. I’ve read all of Brandon’s other books and this was just beautiful. I have a love for meta humor and sarcasm. I love Deadpool and this is basically Middle Grade Deadpool in the best way possible. If your kids have grasped sarcasm then read them this book, they will adore it and so will you.
If you’re a childless Cosmerenaut then I also recommend you read this. It has A Series of Unfortunate Events vibes but I liked it better because it was just funnier. Part of it was because Alcatraz is familiar with our world and is being thrust into this weird world so he has hilarious reactions. Also, weird and hilarious things happen more often in this series. A Series of Unfortunate Events is more dry wit while this is just blunt sarcasm which is more my type of humor.
Also, I highly recommend the audiobook for this one. The narrator has perfect comedic timing.
~Spoilers~
“In the Hushlands—those Librarian-controlled nations such as the United States, Canada and Eland—this book will be published as a work of fantasy.”—Page 11
I…um, okay.
“Then I went inside my house and set the kitchen on fire.”—Page 16
Well, that escalated quickly.
“You realize, of course, that you are worthless.”—Ms. Fletcher, Page 24
The realism in this book is amazing. Also, considering that Fletcher is revealed to be Alcatraz’s mother is a little concerning…Like, you just called your son worthless.
“I’ve been many things in my life. Student. Spy. Sacrificed. Potted Plant.”—Page 25
Potted…?
“However, at this point, I’m something completely different from all those—something more frightening than any of them.
I’m a writer.”—Page 25
Brandon is having way too much fun with this book.
“Now, looking back, I realized that this was a silly thought. Everybody has a grandfather—two of them, actually. Just because you haven’t seen them doesn’t mean they don’t exist. In that way, grandfathers are kind of like kangaroos.”—Page 29
Kangaroos? But…this book is weird.
“Hyperventilating Hobbs”—Page 31
Like, Robin Hobbs? Cute.
“Obviously, you are a person of very poor judgment. I would ask you to kindly refrain from drawing conclusions that I don’t explicitly tell you to make. That’s a very bad habit, and it makes authors grumpy.”—Pages 34-35
Now, who would ever do that?
“Instead, his dogs will die. Or, in some cases, his mother will die. If it’s a really meaningful book, both his dog and his mother will die. (Apparently, most writers have something against dogs and mothers.)”—Page 58
Brandon knows what’s up.
These Talents are hilarious. Breaking things, arriving late, tripping and falling to the ground.
“Grandpa Smedry laughed. ‘Bad aim! He didn’t have a chance of hitting me. I arrived late to every shot. Your Talent can do some great things, my boy, but it’s not the only powerful ability around! I’ve been arriving late to my own death since before you were born. In fact, once I was so late to an appointment that I got there before I left!’”—Page 70
Okay, that last sentence doesn’t make a lick of sense but I love how Sanderson makes these stupid Talents awesome.
“Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a ‘fantasy’ novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense.
Rutabaga.”—Page 74
I laughed so hard at this and I don’t know why. Just rutabaga. Also, did Brandon just sum up the Cosmere?
“‘I—’ I began.
‘Must I remind you, Alcatraz,’ Grandpa Smedry said, ‘that you shouldn’t swear?’”—Pages 75-76
What.
“The wiry man nodded. ‘Cantaloupe, fluttering paper makes a duck.’
I frowned. ‘What is that supposed to mean?’
‘Don’t mind him,’ Bastille said. ‘He says things that don’t make sense.’”—Page 90
Rutabaga.
“Sing frowned. ‘Why would a bottle want to win a prize? In fact, how do bottles even go about claiming prizes? Have they been Alivened? Don’t your people understand that Alivening things is dark Oculary?’”—Page 94
I adore Sing. Also is Alivening a reference to Warbreaker?
“‘So,’ I said, holding up a finger. ‘Let me get this straight. Our strike team consists of a loony old man, an anthropologist, a grad student, and two kids.’”—Page 95
Y’know the fact that you have three people that are over the age of 18 is an improvement on most Middle Grade strike teams.
“Children cried, clutching picture books about aardvarks in their terrified fingers.”—Page 106
Arthur!
“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It’s really funny.”—Page 113
Truer words have never been spoken.
“Since nothing I can say would be able to pierce your delusions, let the fact that I make no arguments stand as ultimate proof that I am right.”—Page 124
Tumblr discourse.
“‘Don’t be silly,’ she said. ‘Why would elevators be more advanced than stairs? Obviously, stairs take more effort to climb, are harder to construct, and are far more healthy to use. Therefore, they took longer to develop. Don’t you realize how stupid sound when you claim otherwise?’”—Page 130
By that logic our cars are more advanced because it takes more effort to control a car than to not.
“Bastille poked her head into the room. ‘Dinosaurs,’ she said, noticing the cages. ‘Useless. Let’s move on.’”—Page 133
But, but, but…they’re Dinosaurs who can talk and have British accents. How could that possibly be useless?
“‘Ah, very well, then,’ said Charles the pterodactyl. ‘We’ll just sit here.
‘In our cages,’ said the T. rex.
‘Contemplating our impending doom,’ said the triceratops.”—Page 137
Aw, let them out.
“Are you annoyed with me yet?
Good. I’ve worked very hard—perhaps I will explain why later—to frustrate you. One of the ways I do this is by leaving cliffhangers at the ends of chapters. These sorts of things force you, the reader, to keep on plunging through my story.”—Page 147
I think this Brandon Sanderson talking directly to us.
“Hooks and cliffhangers belong only at the ends of chapters. That way, the reader moves on directly to the next page—where, thankfully, they can read more of the story without having to suffer some sort of mindless interruption.
Honestly, authors can be so self-indulgent.”—Page 148
The amount of meta in this book has added an extra 10 years to my life.
“She was silent for a moment. ‘I lost my keys,’ she said.
I frowned. It seemed like an odd comment to make. Blackburn, however, simply laughed at this. ‘It still has the better of you, doesn’t it?’”—Page 159
Losing her keys is Fletcher’s Talent. She’s a Smedry, calling it now.
“Some people assume that authors write books we have vivid imaginations and want to share our visions. Other people assume that authors write because we are busting with stories, and therefore must scribble those stories down in moments of creative propondidty.
Both groups of people are completely wrong. Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.”—Page 163
So that’s why Kaladin Stormblessed will never be happy. Also no, I didn’t make a horrible typo, ‘propondidty’ is in there because Brandon is a dick.
“If you don’t believe what I’m telling you, then ask yourself this: would any decent, kindhearted individual become a writer?”—Page 164
Nope.
“I’d always kind of thought of myself as a defiant rebel against the system. However, the truth was that I was just a whiny kid who threw tantrums and broke things because he wanted to make certain that he hurt others before they hurt him.”—Page 175
Literally Tumblr.
Well, it’s Fletcher’s fault for answer Alcatraz’s questions before getting what she wanted.
“‘I think I bruised something,’ he muttered, rubbing his side. ‘One of these pistols jammed me in the tummy!’”—Page 201
Awwwwwww.
Oh, c’mon, if you’re not going to take the adorable dinosaurs then at least take the cute wittle Alivened.
“You can even scan to the end and read the last page. Know that by doing so, however, you would violate every holy and honorable storytelling principle known to man, thereby throwing the universe into chaos and causing grief to untold millions.”—Page 225
Basically, yeah.
“They, of course, filed out of the room in a very gentlemanly manner—for, as everyone knows, all British are refined, calm, and well-mannered. Even if they are a bunch of dinosaurs.”—Page 232
Of course, I think the bizarreness is starting to make more sense to me.
“‘Wasing not of wasing is,’ Quentin added.”—Page 235
*Shakes fist* SANDERSON!
“You see, that last chapter ended with a terribly unfair hook. By now it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer’s greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus we get a kickback from the caffeine industry.”—Pages 238-239
I knew it!
“Blah, blah, sacrifice, alters, daggers, sharks. Blah, blah, something pretentious. Blah, blah, rutabaga. Blah, blah, something that makes no sense whatsoever.”—Page 239
Literally ever Sanderson book ever.
“Rutabaga, I thought. I’ve heard that word recently. Rutabaga…fire over the inheritance!”—Page 260
RUTABAGA! I HATE THIS BOOK.
I knew it! I knew that Fletcher was a Smedry and thought that she might have been Alcatraz’s mother. Aw, that’s really sad. I highly doubt that she’s going to stay librarian and will eventually come to our side.
Wait a minute, you’re telling me that there are foster parents who aren’t evil? I’m sorry this book just became too unrealistic! My suspension of disbelief has just snapped. There’s no possible way that parents who aren’t magical and foster parents aren’t spawns of Satan in Middle Grade book. Y’lost me Sanderson.
Okay, that letter from Alcatraz’s father was really heartwarming.
“What did you expect? That I’d leave you here all summer, in the exact place where your enemies know where to look? With people that aren’t even your family? In a place you don’t really like, and that is depressingly normal compared to the world you’ve grown to love? Doesn’t that sound a little stupid and contrived to you?”—Grandpa Smedry, Page 287
Okay, yeah it would have been stupid and contrived but…THEY JUST HAD A REALLY SWEET MOMENT! I’m a little sad…but the fact that Brandon Sanderson is taking a crack at Harry Potter makes me kind of happy. Great way to end a story.
I really regret reading this book because now it’s going to be a stiff competition between this and Oathbringer for my favorite of the year. I forget if it was a review or someone told me that you should wait until you’re familiar with Brandon’s humor. I will also recommend that. I’ve read all of Brandon’s other books and this was just beautiful. I have a love for meta humor and sarcasm. I love Deadpool and this is basically Middle Grade Deadpool in the best way possible. If your kids have grasped sarcasm then read them this book, they will adore it and so will you.
If you’re a childless Cosmerenaut then I also recommend you read this. It has A Series of Unfortunate Events vibes but I liked it better because it was just funnier. Part of it was because Alcatraz is familiar with our world and is being thrust into this weird world so he has hilarious reactions. Also, weird and hilarious things happen more often in this series. A Series of Unfortunate Events is more dry wit while this is just blunt sarcasm which is more my type of humor.
Also, I highly recommend the audiobook for this one. The narrator has perfect comedic timing.
~Spoilers~
“In the Hushlands—those Librarian-controlled nations such as the United States, Canada and Eland—this book will be published as a work of fantasy.”—Page 11
I…um, okay.
“Then I went inside my house and set the kitchen on fire.”—Page 16
Well, that escalated quickly.
“You realize, of course, that you are worthless.”—Ms. Fletcher, Page 24
The realism in this book is amazing. Also, considering that Fletcher is revealed to be Alcatraz’s mother is a little concerning…Like, you just called your son worthless.
“I’ve been many things in my life. Student. Spy. Sacrificed. Potted Plant.”—Page 25
Potted…?
“However, at this point, I’m something completely different from all those—something more frightening than any of them.
I’m a writer.”—Page 25
Brandon is having way too much fun with this book.
“Now, looking back, I realized that this was a silly thought. Everybody has a grandfather—two of them, actually. Just because you haven’t seen them doesn’t mean they don’t exist. In that way, grandfathers are kind of like kangaroos.”—Page 29
Kangaroos? But…this book is weird.
“Hyperventilating Hobbs”—Page 31
Like, Robin Hobbs? Cute.
“Obviously, you are a person of very poor judgment. I would ask you to kindly refrain from drawing conclusions that I don’t explicitly tell you to make. That’s a very bad habit, and it makes authors grumpy.”—Pages 34-35
Now, who would ever do that?
“Instead, his dogs will die. Or, in some cases, his mother will die. If it’s a really meaningful book, both his dog and his mother will die. (Apparently, most writers have something against dogs and mothers.)”—Page 58
Brandon knows what’s up.
These Talents are hilarious. Breaking things, arriving late, tripping and falling to the ground.
“Grandpa Smedry laughed. ‘Bad aim! He didn’t have a chance of hitting me. I arrived late to every shot. Your Talent can do some great things, my boy, but it’s not the only powerful ability around! I’ve been arriving late to my own death since before you were born. In fact, once I was so late to an appointment that I got there before I left!’”—Page 70
Okay, that last sentence doesn’t make a lick of sense but I love how Sanderson makes these stupid Talents awesome.
“Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a ‘fantasy’ novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense.
Rutabaga.”—Page 74
I laughed so hard at this and I don’t know why. Just rutabaga. Also, did Brandon just sum up the Cosmere?
“‘I—’ I began.
‘Must I remind you, Alcatraz,’ Grandpa Smedry said, ‘that you shouldn’t swear?’”—Pages 75-76
What.
“The wiry man nodded. ‘Cantaloupe, fluttering paper makes a duck.’
I frowned. ‘What is that supposed to mean?’
‘Don’t mind him,’ Bastille said. ‘He says things that don’t make sense.’”—Page 90
Rutabaga.
“Sing frowned. ‘Why would a bottle want to win a prize? In fact, how do bottles even go about claiming prizes? Have they been Alivened? Don’t your people understand that Alivening things is dark Oculary?’”—Page 94
I adore Sing. Also is Alivening a reference to Warbreaker?
“‘So,’ I said, holding up a finger. ‘Let me get this straight. Our strike team consists of a loony old man, an anthropologist, a grad student, and two kids.’”—Page 95
Y’know the fact that you have three people that are over the age of 18 is an improvement on most Middle Grade strike teams.
“Children cried, clutching picture books about aardvarks in their terrified fingers.”—Page 106
Arthur!
“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It’s really funny.”—Page 113
Truer words have never been spoken.
“Since nothing I can say would be able to pierce your delusions, let the fact that I make no arguments stand as ultimate proof that I am right.”—Page 124
Tumblr discourse.
“‘Don’t be silly,’ she said. ‘Why would elevators be more advanced than stairs? Obviously, stairs take more effort to climb, are harder to construct, and are far more healthy to use. Therefore, they took longer to develop. Don’t you realize how stupid sound when you claim otherwise?’”—Page 130
By that logic our cars are more advanced because it takes more effort to control a car than to not.
“Bastille poked her head into the room. ‘Dinosaurs,’ she said, noticing the cages. ‘Useless. Let’s move on.’”—Page 133
But, but, but…they’re Dinosaurs who can talk and have British accents. How could that possibly be useless?
“‘Ah, very well, then,’ said Charles the pterodactyl. ‘We’ll just sit here.
‘In our cages,’ said the T. rex.
‘Contemplating our impending doom,’ said the triceratops.”—Page 137
Aw, let them out.
“Are you annoyed with me yet?
Good. I’ve worked very hard—perhaps I will explain why later—to frustrate you. One of the ways I do this is by leaving cliffhangers at the ends of chapters. These sorts of things force you, the reader, to keep on plunging through my story.”—Page 147
I think this Brandon Sanderson talking directly to us.
“Hooks and cliffhangers belong only at the ends of chapters. That way, the reader moves on directly to the next page—where, thankfully, they can read more of the story without having to suffer some sort of mindless interruption.
Honestly, authors can be so self-indulgent.”—Page 148
The amount of meta in this book has added an extra 10 years to my life.
“She was silent for a moment. ‘I lost my keys,’ she said.
I frowned. It seemed like an odd comment to make. Blackburn, however, simply laughed at this. ‘It still has the better of you, doesn’t it?’”—Page 159
Losing her keys is Fletcher’s Talent. She’s a Smedry, calling it now.
“Some people assume that authors write books we have vivid imaginations and want to share our visions. Other people assume that authors write because we are busting with stories, and therefore must scribble those stories down in moments of creative propondidty.
Both groups of people are completely wrong. Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.”—Page 163
So that’s why Kaladin Stormblessed will never be happy. Also no, I didn’t make a horrible typo, ‘propondidty’ is in there because Brandon is a dick.
“If you don’t believe what I’m telling you, then ask yourself this: would any decent, kindhearted individual become a writer?”—Page 164
Nope.
“I’d always kind of thought of myself as a defiant rebel against the system. However, the truth was that I was just a whiny kid who threw tantrums and broke things because he wanted to make certain that he hurt others before they hurt him.”—Page 175
Literally Tumblr.
Well, it’s Fletcher’s fault for answer Alcatraz’s questions before getting what she wanted.
“‘I think I bruised something,’ he muttered, rubbing his side. ‘One of these pistols jammed me in the tummy!’”—Page 201
Awwwwwww.
Oh, c’mon, if you’re not going to take the adorable dinosaurs then at least take the cute wittle Alivened.
“You can even scan to the end and read the last page. Know that by doing so, however, you would violate every holy and honorable storytelling principle known to man, thereby throwing the universe into chaos and causing grief to untold millions.”—Page 225
Basically, yeah.
“They, of course, filed out of the room in a very gentlemanly manner—for, as everyone knows, all British are refined, calm, and well-mannered. Even if they are a bunch of dinosaurs.”—Page 232
Of course, I think the bizarreness is starting to make more sense to me.
“‘Wasing not of wasing is,’ Quentin added.”—Page 235
*Shakes fist* SANDERSON!
“You see, that last chapter ended with a terribly unfair hook. By now it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer’s greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus we get a kickback from the caffeine industry.”—Pages 238-239
I knew it!
“Blah, blah, sacrifice, alters, daggers, sharks. Blah, blah, something pretentious. Blah, blah, rutabaga. Blah, blah, something that makes no sense whatsoever.”—Page 239
Literally ever Sanderson book ever.
“Rutabaga, I thought. I’ve heard that word recently. Rutabaga…fire over the inheritance!”—Page 260
RUTABAGA! I HATE THIS BOOK.
I knew it! I knew that Fletcher was a Smedry and thought that she might have been Alcatraz’s mother. Aw, that’s really sad. I highly doubt that she’s going to stay librarian and will eventually come to our side.
Wait a minute, you’re telling me that there are foster parents who aren’t evil? I’m sorry this book just became too unrealistic! My suspension of disbelief has just snapped. There’s no possible way that parents who aren’t magical and foster parents aren’t spawns of Satan in Middle Grade book. Y’lost me Sanderson.
Okay, that letter from Alcatraz’s father was really heartwarming.
“What did you expect? That I’d leave you here all summer, in the exact place where your enemies know where to look? With people that aren’t even your family? In a place you don’t really like, and that is depressingly normal compared to the world you’ve grown to love? Doesn’t that sound a little stupid and contrived to you?”—Grandpa Smedry, Page 287
Okay, yeah it would have been stupid and contrived but…THEY JUST HAD A REALLY SWEET MOMENT! I’m a little sad…but the fact that Brandon Sanderson is taking a crack at Harry Potter makes me kind of happy. Great way to end a story.