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A review by sarah42783
Chaos Falls by Pippa DaCosta
5.0
Actual rating: 15 stars. Or maybe 16. This book sucks so much I really don't know how to rate it.
⚠️ Warning: no fangirling will be tolerated in this review. None whatsoever. Not even the slightest bit. Nope nope nope.
Okay, I might maybe have perhaps possibly said this before, but it never hurts to rehash and stuff, so: there's a slight chance this might maybe perhaps possibly be the best bloody shrimping book Pippa DaCosta has ever written. I mean, the story is somewhat (if a little stupendously) riveting in a relatively thrilling way. It is kinda fresh. It is sorta original. And some crustaceans might even say it boasts enough startlingly unexpected developments to last four nefarious lifetimes or five. But apart from that, this book really is no big deal and stuff. Okay, so there's a slight chance Li'el the Prince ofMe Pride might maybe perhaps possibly be the most yummiliciously succulent and delectably complex character Pippa has ever created. Such a proud mummy she must be right now. I mean, the guy even outranks both my boyfriend Caleb Shepperd the Glorious Asshole Extraordinaire AND my boyfriend Ace Dante of the Deliciously Ruthless Soul Eating Antics. But hey, really, no big deal and stuff.
Ah, Li'el the Ever LusciousMINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE ! Such an exquisitely cocky bastard you are. You are so full your presumptuous little self, so overconfidently arrogant, so delightfully aware of your own magnificence, it's beautiful. Someone should give you a medal or something. I mean, this is the stuff of legends! And of the Guinness Book of World Records! And of the Nobel Prize, too! I think I need to talk to the Nobel Committee post haste, and make sure that they make you the next recipient of their Pompously Self-Important Smartass Prize (PSISP™). Between your scrumptious smugness and my mouthwatering nefariousness, we shall be the mostest perfectest couple ever. Until the end of days. At least. Okay, some might say the tiny age difference between us could prove problematic, because people aged 10,000+ years like you are supposedly slightly repulsive and decrepit and stuff. But shallow I am most certainly not and looks are absolutely nothing to me. I happen to lurves you just the way you are. You know, for your brain and stuff. Couldn't care less about your moderately inviting body. Nope nope nope, not me. Absolutely not.
Okay, so maybe it doesn't hurt that you don't look a day older than 30.
Okay, so maybe it doesn't hurt that you look positively edible, either. But I'd still lurve you just as much if you were hideously ugly as fish and creaky beyond repair, you know. Of course I would. Besides, you're one of Pippa's Highly Scrumpalicious Babies (PHSP™) and therefore Prime High Security Harem Material (PHSHM™). There is one thing we will have to discuss though, Your Tasty Pretentiousness: that whole "sharing" silliness has to stop. NOW. I get that you've beendoing the orgy thing spreading the lurve for millions thousands of years, old habits die hard and stuff, but nope nope nope, in Sharing is the Bloody Opposite of Caring Land (SitBOoCL™) this shall not come to pass. Ergo, a cease and desist order receive you shall. But hey, no pressure and stuff.
Hmmm, I have an inkling there is a slight chance you Little Barnacles might be slightly sick and tired of hearing about my yummy boyfriend. What can I say, I'm clairvoyant like that. Anyway, I am in a most lenient mood today, so I shall stopfangirling telling you about Li'el and start fangirling telling you about the story instead. My pleasure and stuff.
So. Why is this the best bloody shrimping book Pippa DaCosta has ever written, you ask? Because it's Pippa DaCosta to the power of 24,458 (more or less). Okay, so we all know how beautifully evil Evil Pippa iswell, the most astute decapods among us–aka those who read lurve Pippa's books—do. The others have such a pointless, Pippa-less life they might as well self-combust and stuff . She loves nothing better than to viciously squeeze, crush and squish your black, withered heart, chop it into tiny little pieces and then stomp on it for good measure. It's quite orgasmic, really. Anyway, take the usual Pippa Unrelentingly Malevolent Ruthlessness (PUMR™), raise it to the power of 85,457 (inflation's a bitch) and tada! You get this book. I mean, the Typical Pippa Story (TPS™) tends to make you want to hide in a corner to decompose in peace. While swooning to death. And clicking your pincers in a bout of utter hysteria. And feeling tingly all over in your exoskeleton because reasons. And feeling stunned, astonished and generally flabbergasted at every turn of the page. And jumping up and down in titillated glee (yes, that is a thing) like the little frog shrimp that you are. And harboring slightly homicidal thoughts towards the cunning bastards and vicious bitches in residence. Among others things. But this story here? It really takes the cake. And kinda sorta leaves you feeling like…
And…a teensy little bit like this, too:
I'm telling you, it takes one tough crustacean to survive this one. Pippa the Heartless is ferociously barbarous here and has even less mercy on her puny readers than usual. Tremendous death toll to be expected upon publication of Chaos Falls. Pretty sure the release of this book will prove to be the Armageddon of Urban Fantasy. Good thingLi'el Pippa also happens to be fiercely hilarious. At least her readership will die laughing and stuff.
» And the moral of this Worry Not Pippa Maniacs for, Though She Has Deluded Herself into Thinking this will be the Last Chaos Instalment, I Very Kindly Provided Pippa with a list of Numerous Spin Offs and Sequels to be Written Post Haste so All is Well and Stuff Crappy Non Review (WNPMfTSHDHiTtWbtLCIIVKPPwaLoNSOaStbWPHsAiWaSCNR™) is: a deliriously emotional ride this one is. Get through it unscathed many Barnacles will not. So. A word of advice, O Queen of Callously Vicious Unpredictability (QoCVU™): if you keep killing your readers dead like this, there will be no bloody shrimping audience left for your upcoming books. Just thought you'd like to know. You are quite welcome.
P.S. The acknowledgments page is the mostest hilariousest in the history of mostest hilariousest pages. It made me laugh my pincers off and stuff.
P.P.S. "Survival of the fittest…bitch." HA!
ARC kindly provided by the author in exchange for an honest review.
· Book 1: Chaos Rises ★★★★★
· Book 2: Chaos Unleashed ★★★★★
[Pre-review nonsense]
I might be slightly (choose allthat apply) hysterical/dead/hyperventilating/brokenhearted that was a joke, I don't have a heart /stoked/disconsolate/electrified at the moment and therefore somewhat unable to form a single incoherent thought. I shall return at some point. Maybe. In the meantime, please feel free to dance on my behalf. This book moderately deserves it. I mean, one could say that this might very well be one of the bloody shrimping best stories Pippa has ever written. Possibly. So one might perhaps want to consider shaking one's booty pincers to celebrate and stuff.
➽ Full Good Thing This NefariousLittle Shrimp Has No Ticker and No Feels otherwise She Might Be Feeling Rather Overwhelmed by the Horrendous Array of Conflicting Emotions that Are Assaulting Her Right Now Crappy Non Review (GTTNLSHNTaNFoSMBFRObtHAoCEtAAHRNCNR™) to come.
P.S. Li'el = MINE. So back off quietly if you don't want to be killed dead in a most excruciating way. Thank you.
P.P.S. Pippa, I love you. Then again maybe I hate you. Not sure yet. I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
[December 1, 2017]
The weirdest attachment just landed in my inbox. Something called an "ARC" I think? No fishing clue what it is. Well, "ARC" sounds like it might possibly be an acronym for something. Not sure what it stands for though. Which makes this ever weirder. I mean, you might not be aware of it, but I know a thing or two about acronyms. So the fact that I've never heard of this one is a bit, you know, unsettling and stuff. Maybe it stands for "All Rise for the Crustaceans?" Or is it for "Arthropods Rock the Casbah?" Then again it might simply mean "Aggravatingly Rambunctious Crabs." Who knows? Anyway, I don't know what the shrimp I'm supposed to do with this ARC thing, but I'm told I should be moderately excited about it. And since I aim to please and stuff, I shall try and be as slightly euphoric and somewhat overjoyed as I can. Ergo, time to dance it is.
Yeah, I know, I'm super hairy and therefore super hot. I also happen to have super sexy smooth moves.
But it's my moustache and crazy hip thrust that make me totally irresistible. Just so you know.
Akiiiiillllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Li'ellllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[September 20, 2017]
Note to self: you are not a hysterical 13-year-old fangirl. Behave yourself. Behave yourself. BEHAVE YOURSELF.
Li'ellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
⚠️ Warning: no fangirling will be tolerated in this review. None whatsoever. Not even the slightest bit. Nope nope nope.
Okay, I might maybe have perhaps possibly said this before, but it never hurts to rehash and stuff, so: there's a slight chance this might maybe perhaps possibly be the best bloody shrimping book Pippa DaCosta has ever written. I mean, the story is somewhat (if a little stupendously) riveting in a relatively thrilling way. It is kinda fresh. It is sorta original. And some crustaceans might even say it boasts enough startlingly unexpected developments to last four nefarious lifetimes or five. But apart from that, this book really is no big deal and stuff. Okay, so there's a slight chance Li'el the Prince of
Ah, Li'el the Ever Luscious
Okay, so maybe it doesn't hurt that you don't look a day older than 30.
Okay, so maybe it doesn't hurt that you look positively edible, either. But I'd still lurve you just as much if you were hideously ugly as fish and creaky beyond repair, you know. Of course I would. Besides, you're one of Pippa's Highly Scrumpalicious Babies (PHSP™) and therefore Prime High Security Harem Material (PHSHM™). There is one thing we will have to discuss though, Your Tasty Pretentiousness: that whole "sharing" silliness has to stop. NOW. I get that you've been
Hmmm, I have an inkling there is a slight chance you Little Barnacles might be slightly sick and tired of hearing about my yummy boyfriend. What can I say, I'm clairvoyant like that. Anyway, I am in a most lenient mood today, so I shall stop
So. Why is this the best bloody shrimping book Pippa DaCosta has ever written, you ask? Because it's Pippa DaCosta to the power of 24,458 (more or less). Okay, so we all know how beautifully evil Evil Pippa is
And…a teensy little bit like this, too:
I'm telling you, it takes one tough crustacean to survive this one. Pippa the Heartless is ferociously barbarous here and has even less mercy on her puny readers than usual. Tremendous death toll to be expected upon publication of Chaos Falls. Pretty sure the release of this book will prove to be the Armageddon of Urban Fantasy. Good thing
» And the moral of this Worry Not Pippa Maniacs for, Though She Has Deluded Herself into Thinking this will be the Last Chaos Instalment, I Very Kindly Provided Pippa with a list of Numerous Spin Offs and Sequels to be Written Post Haste so All is Well and Stuff Crappy Non Review (WNPMfTSHDHiTtWbtLCIIVKPPwaLoNSOaStbWPHsAiWaSCNR™) is: a deliriously emotional ride this one is. Get through it unscathed many Barnacles will not. So. A word of advice, O Queen of Callously Vicious Unpredictability (QoCVU™): if you keep killing your readers dead like this, there will be no bloody shrimping audience left for your upcoming books. Just thought you'd like to know. You are quite welcome.
P.S. The acknowledgments page is the mostest hilariousest in the history of mostest hilariousest pages. It made me laugh my pincers off and stuff.
P.P.S. "Survival of the fittest…bitch." HA!
ARC kindly provided by the author in exchange for an honest review.
· Book 1: Chaos Rises ★★★★★
· Book 2: Chaos Unleashed ★★★★★
[Pre-review nonsense]
I might be slightly (choose all
➽ Full Good Thing This Nefarious
P.S. Li'el = MINE. So back off quietly if you don't want to be killed dead in a most excruciating way. Thank you.
P.P.S. Pippa, I love you. Then again maybe I hate you. Not sure yet. I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
[December 1, 2017]
The weirdest attachment just landed in my inbox. Something called an "ARC" I think? No fishing clue what it is. Well, "ARC" sounds like it might possibly be an acronym for something. Not sure what it stands for though. Which makes this ever weirder. I mean, you might not be aware of it, but I know a thing or two about acronyms. So the fact that I've never heard of this one is a bit, you know, unsettling and stuff. Maybe it stands for "All Rise for the Crustaceans?" Or is it for "Arthropods Rock the Casbah?" Then again it might simply mean "Aggravatingly Rambunctious Crabs." Who knows? Anyway, I don't know what the shrimp I'm supposed to do with this ARC thing, but I'm told I should be moderately excited about it. And since I aim to please and stuff, I shall try and be as slightly euphoric and somewhat overjoyed as I can. Ergo, time to dance it is.
Yeah, I know, I'm super hairy and therefore super hot. I also happen to have super sexy smooth moves.
But it's my moustache and crazy hip thrust that make me totally irresistible. Just so you know.
[September 20, 2017]
Note to self: you are not a hysterical 13-year-old fangirl. Behave yourself. Behave yourself. BEHAVE YOURSELF.
Li'ellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!