A review by cait
Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by Jon Krakauer

challenging dark emotional informative reflective sad tense fast-paced

5.0

I met my first boyfriend when I was 19. I had never held hands, didn't know how to kiss, never had sex. Growing up in a strict Catholic household, I had it in my head that I was going to save my first sexual experience for marriage.

He wanted to go further, but I told him no. By the time we'd been dating for two months, it became a constant push. Sometimes literally, with his hand on my head, but I resisted & he got mad & still I refused.

One night, at a mutual friend's house, I'd had too much to drink, we'd argued again about my reluctance to engage in sexual activities, & he said he'd take me home. I don't remember much after that except him stopping his truck in the middle of nowhere, headlights shining in through his back window, the shock of pain. I remember texting my best friend, later, to say, "So I guess I'm not a virgin anymore." I have no memory of her ever texting me back, of she & I ever discussing what happened after.

I began to engage in risky behaviors afterwards. I cried a lot. I stopped sleeping. I learned not to tell anyone about that night because doing so made him so angry. I became irritable to those around me. I partied & drank until I blacked out. I stayed with him. I tried to break up with him. He wouldn't let me.

When it was finally over, I was physically sick for months. I lost so much weight that tights fit as pants & I couldn't open vehicle doors without help. I continued with my risky behaviors. He spread rumors about me, negatively impacted my social circle, & made me think I was crazy.

And then, by accident, I found myself in a relationship with one of his friends. And then, after some time had passed, I told the friend about that night. He paused for a long moment & then he said, "He raped you."

It seems strange to say it now, but: If an outside male presence hadn't said it, I never would have either. But it's true. I did not consent. I never consented. That made it rape. My control over my body was taken from me & my distress afterwards was because I had been violated. I had been raped.

I never reported the incident to authorities. It took over 5 years for me to seek treatment from my doctor for the depression & anxiety I had experienced since that time. I have now been in cognitive-behavioral therapy for 3 years & my therapist tells me that my reactions, my confusion, my residual sadness & anxiety are normal reactions for victims of sexual assault. I know that, had I gone to police, the only one who would have suffered for it was me.

All this to say that my first 5-star read of 2021 is going to Missoula because of its hard, unblinking portrayal of acquaintance rape, its aftereffects, & the subsequent failures of the judicial system. Not only did it teach me things about my own experiences, but it made me feel so much less alone & inspired by the strong women who stood up & continue to stand for people like me, who are too afraid to stand up for ourselves.
Expand filter menu Content Warnings