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'There, in the living heart of the Amazon rainforest, I stood in the wreckage of my life, in the silence of everything I had lost, and understood— In losing it all, I gained everything.'
I finished this in less than a day and my heart is truly broken for Catherine yet also proud to know where she is at today. I love her. This memoir was a story of struggle, hardship and the search for a true home which all ends with the beginning of her healing ♥
I'm going to split the book into two parts before I dive into it: Before and After the ACE Family.
Before
The memoir begins with Catherine's parents. She explains her mother and father's upbringing, which is genuinely so sad and full of struggle. It was a quick section that was raw and cutthroat, because of what happened. Then began Catherine and Ryan's childhood. Her parents, prior to the divorce, had an incredibly toxic relationship. There were so many mental health and financial issues- a theme that is quite shied away from normally but Catherine explained it all. Honestly the whole time I felt so bad for her, they all went through so much and I was just reading in semi horror semi grief like... this is what the Catherine who always smiles experienced? This part of her early childhood really showed me that Catherine was just a girl who wanted a home, and she tried so fucking hard for that in her whole life.
When she grew up, we got to see her relationships, jobs/experiences and overall life shift in various ways. This was my favourite part of the book I think. I loved seeing her find trying to find herself and explore different things. There was still quite a bit of financial insecurity, but we got to see her get by and just... explore, you know? I lowkey got choked up by that super nice guy at the strip club cause he quite literally saved her and her mom financially.
Then she met Austin.
The reminiscent tone she holds talking about their relationship before youtube made me almost think they're still together. That they never divorced. I loved this part too. It felt like something good in her life finally. She was happy. They were so happy together and it just makes the truth worse. That Austin all those years ago would be horrified if he saw Austin today.
Before I move onto the 'After' section, I really feel like all of those con artists, scammers and corrupt people they encountered during the ACE Family period, is what really ruined them/Austin. And truly, my heart fucking goes out to both of them for a big part because they genuinely suffered so much. But a bigger part of me goes out to Catherine because she was betrayed even more by the person who was supposed to stand by her.
After
They begin their channel. Suprisingly there is little about their children. The channel is good at first but not long after Catherine begins to feel this pressure from the cameras— putting on this performance nearly every day for their fans etc. She doesn't know what is for the cameras and what isn't and begins to just slowly hate it. She describes the robbery experience (I remember when their Youtube vid came otu about that and I was so heartbroken for them) then also all the events they hosted, the proposal, 1212 gateway, their big mansion and at the very end the herbal medicines.
Honestly, they got screwed over so much financially. With their big mansion, one of their events, the rental houses after they got screwed over with the mansion, 1212 gateway. If you remember James Charles saying Morphe owes him 2 mill, well collectively both Austin and Catherine are owed so much fucking more (like tens of millions). It pained me. They were taken advantage and stabbed in the back SO many times. And both coped different. While Catherine understood hardship through her upbringing, Austin grew up comfortable and wealthy, which I'm guessing is why he dealt with this hardship so fucking awfully.
There was a moment when they were both at the gym and I just... no words. No words at all. She deserves so much better and I'm glad she has it now.
Seeing Catherine change with the cheating aswell as being scammed yet again... I don't know how she coped with it but she's so fucking strong. This is where she discovered the herbal remedies, which even though I don't believe in, I'm so proud of her for finding her happiness. Proud of her for letting go of this image in the desperate search of a place to call home.
Because for nearly her whole life until now, there hasn't been a calm moment nor has she felt home anywhere and I just want to give her a big hug.
Thoughts~
What I loved about this memoir, and is also so evident in Catherine's daily character, is her self awareness when describing these moments. The reflection. The trust. The gratitude. The understanding of why things happened and timing. She has a beautiful way of putting things into perspective. I don't think she complained once— she was upset, and reasonably annoyed yes by the countless scammers— but she still held such an affirming tone with her words.
The writing was simple yet impactful. One improvement I kind of wish for was the pacing. I love a fast paced book but I feel like this was almost too fast paced— so many things happened in this book and 300 pages was NOT enough. That could just be because I read it really fast, but I just feel like I wasn't given alot of time to process traumatic moments.
I feel like this memoir has changed so much about what I know or knew. It's one that's going to stick with me, for a while that's for sure.
4 stars
I finished this in less than a day and my heart is truly broken for Catherine yet also proud to know where she is at today. I love her. This memoir was a story of struggle, hardship and the search for a true home which all ends with the beginning of her healing ♥
I'm going to split the book into two parts before I dive into it: Before and After the ACE Family.
Before
The memoir begins with Catherine's parents. She explains her mother and father's upbringing, which is genuinely so sad and full of struggle. It was a quick section that was raw and cutthroat, because of what happened. Then began Catherine and Ryan's childhood. Her parents, prior to the divorce, had an incredibly toxic relationship. There were so many mental health and financial issues- a theme that is quite shied away from normally but Catherine explained it all. Honestly the whole time I felt so bad for her, they all went through so much and I was just reading in semi horror semi grief like... this is what the Catherine who always smiles experienced? This part of her early childhood really showed me that Catherine was just a girl who wanted a home, and she tried so fucking hard for that in her whole life.
When she grew up, we got to see her relationships, jobs/experiences and overall life shift in various ways. This was my favourite part of the book I think. I loved seeing her find trying to find herself and explore different things. There was still quite a bit of financial insecurity, but we got to see her get by and just... explore, you know? I lowkey got choked up by that super nice guy at the strip club cause he quite literally saved her and her mom financially.
Then she met Austin.
The reminiscent tone she holds talking about their relationship before youtube made me almost think they're still together. That they never divorced. I loved this part too. It felt like something good in her life finally. She was happy. They were so happy together and it just makes the truth worse. That Austin all those years ago would be horrified if he saw Austin today.
Before I move onto the 'After' section, I really feel like all of those con artists, scammers and corrupt people they encountered during the ACE Family period, is what really ruined them/Austin. And truly, my heart fucking goes out to both of them for a big part because they genuinely suffered so much. But a bigger part of me goes out to Catherine because she was betrayed even more by the person who was supposed to stand by her.
After
They begin their channel. Suprisingly there is little about their children. The channel is good at first but not long after Catherine begins to feel this pressure from the cameras— putting on this performance nearly every day for their fans etc. She doesn't know what is for the cameras and what isn't and begins to just slowly hate it. She describes the robbery experience (I remember when their Youtube vid came otu about that and I was so heartbroken for them) then also all the events they hosted, the proposal, 1212 gateway, their big mansion and at the very end the herbal medicines.
Honestly, they got screwed over so much financially. With their big mansion, one of their events, the rental houses after they got screwed over with the mansion, 1212 gateway. If you remember James Charles saying Morphe owes him 2 mill, well collectively both Austin and Catherine are owed so much fucking more (like tens of millions). It pained me. They were taken advantage and stabbed in the back SO many times. And both coped different. While Catherine understood hardship through her upbringing, Austin grew up comfortable and wealthy, which I'm guessing is why he dealt with this hardship so fucking awfully.
There was a moment when they were both at the gym and I just... no words. No words at all. She deserves so much better and I'm glad she has it now.
Seeing Catherine change with the cheating aswell as being scammed yet again... I don't know how she coped with it but she's so fucking strong. This is where she discovered the herbal remedies, which even though I don't believe in, I'm so proud of her for finding her happiness. Proud of her for letting go of this image in the desperate search of a place to call home.
Because for nearly her whole life until now, there hasn't been a calm moment nor has she felt home anywhere and I just want to give her a big hug.
Thoughts~
What I loved about this memoir, and is also so evident in Catherine's daily character, is her self awareness when describing these moments. The reflection. The trust. The gratitude. The understanding of why things happened and timing. She has a beautiful way of putting things into perspective. I don't think she complained once— she was upset, and reasonably annoyed yes by the countless scammers— but she still held such an affirming tone with her words.
The writing was simple yet impactful. One improvement I kind of wish for was the pacing. I love a fast paced book but I feel like this was almost too fast paced— so many things happened in this book and 300 pages was NOT enough. That could just be because I read it really fast, but I just feel like I wasn't given alot of time to process traumatic moments.
I feel like this memoir has changed so much about what I know or knew. It's one that's going to stick with me, for a while that's for sure.
4 stars