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A review by bookishmillennial
Conditions of a Heart by Bethany Mangle
challenging
emotional
funny
reflective
sad
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
disclaimer: I don’t really give starred reviews. I hope my reviews provide enough information to let you know if a book is for you or not. Find me here: https://linktr.ee/bookishmillennial
Wow, I adored this contemporary young adult coming-of-age story about Brynn Kwan, who gets suspended from her elite private high school academy after being accused of bullying/participating in a physical altercation (when, surprise surprise, it was actually the other way around, but cishet men simply get to be believed in society, so this felt true to my lived experience too sadly). She is viscerally enraged by this, and the misunderstanding she has been simmering in finally explodes, and she sends her school an email claiming she is dropping out. Brynn visits her cousin Tori's cat cafe named Beany Beans in Central City, contemplates her current situation, and shares how unseen and unheard she feels by everyone. Brynn hasn't told anyone besides her family about her seemingly invisible disabilities, which has also contributed to this distance and inability to fully authentically connect. Her best friend Fran, and her ex Oliver are people she wishes knew, as it could provide more context to her current rage, but Brynn is simply exhausted.
This book was everything I adore about contemporary YA. We had a main character who fumbled through their discovery and exploration of self, along with an aching sadness of feeling deeply misunderstood. The dynamics between Brynn and her sister Eliza, her dad (who had hEDS!), and her mom were so rough to read, but such a masterful way to illustrate the already-complicated teenager-parent and teenager x sibling relationships. Brynn believed her mom would have fought the school harder if it had been her super productive athlete sister Eliza who had been suspended instead, and damn, that's a heavy sadness to carry as a young adult. I feel like most families recognize or at least joke that parents might have favorite kids, but it isn't fun to feel that way. We all want to feel chosen and supported; Brynn desperately wanted someone to for once come to her defense, rather than the constant self-advocacy someone must actively pursue because of their invisible illness.
The way the doctors dismissed and and made light of Brynn's health was so infuriating, and also triggering. I had only been going to different doctors for about a year and a half until I finally just gave up, and decided that I should just accept feeling resigned to not knowing what is happening to my body, because so many doctors dismissed my concerns. A doctor flippantly says to Brynn, "Ah, the thing a lot of young girls are self-diagnosing themselves with on TikTok, right?" or something like that. I didn't highlight it but it was to that sentiment, and all I saw was red. This was one moment, but it was likely representative of the decade that Brynn experienced going to doctors, and explaining her symptoms and her disability, only to be trivialized or sneered at.
There were so many moments where I got upset with Fran, Oliver, Eliza, and Brynn's mom especially. I kept yelling at the book, "This is not about you! Brynn is trying to share how fucking hard this is for her! Why are you centering yourself?!" However, I do think it rings true to reality, where people do sometimes have to process big news, or have to voice how something impacts them, and I can't fully be mad at that. It's very human, and that's what I appreciated about the way BM wrote all of these characters. They were all so incredibly human in the ways they were a bit messy, selfish, impulsive, reactive, defensive, and conflicted.
There is a bit of a romantic subplot, and while I think Brynn can do better (I'm a hater, I'm sorry!), I appreciate young love for what it is. BM provided illuminating commentary on how folks discussed (and still discuss) COVID-19, and how this idea of "going back to normal" is essentially leaving behind so many disabled folks. The hybrid modes and ways the world became a bit more accessible during our hyper-vigilance of the peak of COVID-19. It inadvertently opened doors for disabled folks, but as we embarrassingly attempt to return "back to normal," we're losing that. It's important that we continue to advocate for a more accessible world, as disabled folks deserve to have the same level of access to it as non-disabled folks. It's really as simple as that.
Final eclectic ADHD-brain-spurred thoughts:
Wow, I adored this contemporary young adult coming-of-age story about Brynn Kwan, who gets suspended from her elite private high school academy after being accused of bullying/participating in a physical altercation (when, surprise surprise, it was actually the other way around, but cishet men simply get to be believed in society, so this felt true to my lived experience too sadly). She is viscerally enraged by this, and the misunderstanding she has been simmering in finally explodes, and she sends her school an email claiming she is dropping out. Brynn visits her cousin Tori's cat cafe named Beany Beans in Central City, contemplates her current situation, and shares how unseen and unheard she feels by everyone. Brynn hasn't told anyone besides her family about her seemingly invisible disabilities, which has also contributed to this distance and inability to fully authentically connect. Her best friend Fran, and her ex Oliver are people she wishes knew, as it could provide more context to her current rage, but Brynn is simply exhausted.
This book was everything I adore about contemporary YA. We had a main character who fumbled through their discovery and exploration of self, along with an aching sadness of feeling deeply misunderstood. The dynamics between Brynn and her sister Eliza, her dad (who had hEDS!), and her mom were so rough to read, but such a masterful way to illustrate the already-complicated teenager-parent and teenager x sibling relationships. Brynn believed her mom would have fought the school harder if it had been her super productive athlete sister Eliza who had been suspended instead, and damn, that's a heavy sadness to carry as a young adult. I feel like most families recognize or at least joke that parents might have favorite kids, but it isn't fun to feel that way. We all want to feel chosen and supported; Brynn desperately wanted someone to for once come to her defense, rather than the constant self-advocacy someone must actively pursue because of their invisible illness.
The way the doctors dismissed and and made light of Brynn's health was so infuriating, and also triggering. I had only been going to different doctors for about a year and a half until I finally just gave up, and decided that I should just accept feeling resigned to not knowing what is happening to my body, because so many doctors dismissed my concerns. A doctor flippantly says to Brynn, "Ah, the thing a lot of young girls are self-diagnosing themselves with on TikTok, right?" or something like that. I didn't highlight it but it was to that sentiment, and all I saw was red. This was one moment, but it was likely representative of the decade that Brynn experienced going to doctors, and explaining her symptoms and her disability, only to be trivialized or sneered at.
There were so many moments where I got upset with Fran, Oliver, Eliza, and Brynn's mom especially. I kept yelling at the book, "This is not about you! Brynn is trying to share how fucking hard this is for her! Why are you centering yourself?!" However, I do think it rings true to reality, where people do sometimes have to process big news, or have to voice how something impacts them, and I can't fully be mad at that. It's very human, and that's what I appreciated about the way BM wrote all of these characters. They were all so incredibly human in the ways they were a bit messy, selfish, impulsive, reactive, defensive, and conflicted.
There is a bit of a romantic subplot, and while I think Brynn can do better (I'm a hater, I'm sorry!), I appreciate young love for what it is. BM provided illuminating commentary on how folks discussed (and still discuss) COVID-19, and how this idea of "going back to normal" is essentially leaving behind so many disabled folks. The hybrid modes and ways the world became a bit more accessible during our hyper-vigilance of the peak of COVID-19. It inadvertently opened doors for disabled folks, but as we embarrassingly attempt to return "back to normal," we're losing that. It's important that we continue to advocate for a more accessible world, as disabled folks deserve to have the same level of access to it as non-disabled folks. It's really as simple as that.
Final eclectic ADHD-brain-spurred thoughts:
- Fuck wealthy people who think they can just use money to get whatever they want. Like really, I continue to be so unimpressed by anyone who is rich while the unhoused community only grows in the U.S.
- I need a spinoff book and possibly tv show of Tori and her cat cafe. Tori made me audibly giggle - standout side character imho
- The body parts talking to Brynn in her inner dialogue were so clever and so goofy, I loved it!
- I cried during the big blowout screaming fight between Brynn and her family, because nothing is more vulnerable, more raw, and braver than screaming to be heard, to be paid attention to, to be taken seriously. Anger is an indication of a pain that isn't recognized, and Brynn was in so much pain, not just physically. To be angry without abandon is to posit your pain front and center, and that hurt me for Brynn and her family too. It was so real though *cries*
representation:
- Korean American disabled main character with hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, mast cell activation syndrome, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS)
- side characters: pansexual, Dominican American, Vietnamese, sapphic
see content warnings below & take care while reading <3
Content Warnings
Graphic: Ableism, Chronic illness, and Medical content
Moderate: Biphobia, Bullying, Racism, Violence, Injury/Injury detail, and Pandemic/Epidemic