A review by daffodildyke
If Tomorrow Doesn't Come by Jen St. Jude

emotional hopeful inspiring reflective sad medium-paced
  • Plot- or character-driven? A mix
  • Strong character development? Yes
  • Loveable characters? Yes
  • Diverse cast of characters? Yes
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.5

“Good luck, brave and beautiful strangers. Aren't we the lucky ones walking into the night, all eyes on the same star? Aren't we the lucky ones? We were here for a time to dream.
We still are.”

cw : suicide; religious trauma

i read this from cover to cover in one night, and it has taken me far longer to write a review than it should have… because i couldn’t find the words. quoting sections is the best i can do to summarise my feelings.

a complicated, honest and nuanced approach to the apocalypse that i didn’t realise i needed as much as i did.

“They thought I was thriving. I liked that they thought that about me. I needed them to think that about me.

But it wasn't real. I had a lot to fake.”

Avery is a suicidal college student with plans to end her life, but that morning they find out a meteorite is heading to earth and the world is probably going to end. the story charts the 9 “remaining” days of the world. 

Having chronic depression since childhood and my fair experience of suicidal ideation, i am always baffled by the people who fight tooth and nail to survive in apocalyptic situations. Avery feels so close to home in this - to be actively on the verge of going through with plans and to find out the whole world might be ending and have to process you didn’t want to live to begin with feels so intense. 

There is a danger with this that Avery could have felt unrealistic, but the process of her processing how the end of the world forced her to want to live life to the fullest feels so very real, so well mapped. Throughout the entire story you can feel the emotional conflict, the fear and the confusion, the betrayal of her own plans, the betrayal of trust in others. The feeling of everything going “right” but still feeling so empty and numb, only being changed by everything going “wrong”.

“I wondered, as I buckled myself back into my car, if I should give it all up and become a nun. Want for nothing. Serve something I no longer believed in. Turn my brain off, turn my heart off, die in a million little ways.”

The complicated approach to religion and the impact of religion, especially at the end of the world is so profound. In so many ways, Avery and Cass are not tied into faith or religion, the people in their lives do not condemn them for who they are, and that feels familiar - it’s more subtle, more insidious - the ways religion impacts their thoughts and feelings about themselves and others, the way that they are told they are love despite their queerness or that her depression and suicidal thoughts are sinful. The pure power of this quote later on in the book speaks to my inner child, to the characters inner child and to so many people who have been made to feel less for who they are or how they feel!

"No," I said. “If there's a God or Gods, they'll forgive me or they won't. I came here to tell you that you shouldn't ever, ever tell a child or anyone they're wrong or sinful or blasphemous for being who they are. You shouldn't ever tell anyone they're damned for being sad, for struggling.”

Another reason to love this book is that amidst all of this depth and complexity, there is so many playful moments. The humour and warmth spread by so many of the characters will stay with me long after finishing this. 

The way we are left with an ending that is not The End is so important and so improbable, and it doesn’t matter, maybe Cass and Avery survive, maybe they don’t, maybe the world doesn’t end but maybe it does… the main thing is that they got to feel like they lived in those last days, if they were the last days they had. I don’t like not knowing what happens, but i think for this story this was the most important thing.

And maybe none of it was ever real, maybe Avery wades into the water at the beginning and everything is actually happening in her head; a way of showing her what was always there if she had been able to see through the fog of depression. Maybe the end of the world is her purgatory, maybe it’s her heaven… maybe it doesn’t matter.
Expand filter menu Content Warnings