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A review by copperkettle
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic by Esther Perel
reflective
fast-paced
2.5
I have seriously mixed feelings on this—maybe not for the reasons you'd expect.
The most frustrating thing, to me, is that at the beginning of the book, she strongly advocates for this idea (supposedly her hypothesis) that sexual issues CAN'T be solved by communication and therapy the way that other relationship or life issues can. She excuses men, in particular, for acting on instinct and criticizes communicative approaches. Needless to say, this is dangerous, unhelpful messaging.
But even more frustrating, she then proceeds to give countless examples of sexual issues being resolved by exactly that—digging into root causes, deeper issues, unpacking emotional needs—communication! TALKING!
Then, she completely abandons this original thesis. Why advocate for something so problematic so stongly only to drop it!?
That's not to say that the book doesn't have progressive messages. Namely, the idea of giving space for each partner to have their own identity and "otherness" can be more beneficial to sex than forcing closeness. Also, destigmatizing "scheduling" (prioritizing) sex and the many contradictions in sexual fantasy, recognizing fantasy as separate from actual real-life desire, etc.
At the time it came out, it was probably a net positive. But by now, I bet (I hope) there are better books on the subject.
The most frustrating thing, to me, is that at the beginning of the book, she strongly advocates for this idea (supposedly her hypothesis) that sexual issues CAN'T be solved by communication and therapy the way that other relationship or life issues can. She excuses men, in particular, for acting on instinct and criticizes communicative approaches. Needless to say, this is dangerous, unhelpful messaging.
But even more frustrating, she then proceeds to give countless examples of sexual issues being resolved by exactly that—digging into root causes, deeper issues, unpacking emotional needs—communication! TALKING!
Then, she completely abandons this original thesis. Why advocate for something so problematic so stongly only to drop it!?
That's not to say that the book doesn't have progressive messages. Namely, the idea of giving space for each partner to have their own identity and "otherness" can be more beneficial to sex than forcing closeness. Also, destigmatizing "scheduling" (prioritizing) sex and the many contradictions in sexual fantasy, recognizing fantasy as separate from actual real-life desire, etc.
At the time it came out, it was probably a net positive. But by now, I bet (I hope) there are better books on the subject.