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A review by horrorbutch
Calling My Deadname Home: the Trans Bear Diaries by Avi Ben-Zeev
5.0
Disclaimer: I received an e-ARC from netgalley in exchange for a review.
There are four main things that drew me to this memoir: 1) the interesting approach of dealing with one’s past by interacting with them, 2) the mention of pro-Palestinian activism (now more important than ever), 3) the working-class-to-PhD-from-Yale story, and the fact that I hoped that this story would do something that I hadn’t encountered in any of the other trans memoirs I’ve read yet (not that I’ve read all of them. But some, and this is one of the more interesting ones I’ve encountered). And as you can probably tell from my rating this memoir fulfilled all my wishes and more.
It always feels a bit weird to rate a memoir. Those are always personal stories, so my rating is based on if I feel the memoir painted an intriguing picture of a life (it did), if the summary matches what I expected to find inside (again, it did), and whether the writing style worked for me or not. In this case it was immediately clear to me that the author has a very interesting way with words. He is a very talented writer and manages to dig deep, reveal and examine his past and analyze his own though processes without leaving the reader too far outside of it.
I found myself deeply drawn into his story, one that follows his first forays into gay sexuality, both before transitioning and most of it after, before catapulting us (and him) to a family reunion at first in Tel Aviv since he wasn’t allowed to enter Israel as they refused to change his passport and then at his uncles’ birthday. After that we were told about his childhood, growing up in a country and a family that espouses Zionism and militarism as the only means of survival against a dangerous threat from outside and the repercussions of being against that that the author faced. The retelling of his young school years where honestly quite shocking to me. One of my favorite things discussed here was the linguistic aspects as well, since Hebrew is a very gendered language the author spends some time explaining that. He also talked a bit about how Yiddish is devalued in Israel, seen as the language of week diaspora speak. He talks about how he got out of serving in the IDF and then managed to escape to America, finding himself in the last place he could see himself in: Academia.
This memoir made me laugh and it made me cry and it made me feel so happy for Avi for having gotten where he is, while also breaking my heart for Talia. Talking with your past self is something that some trans memoirs do, but rarely does an author delve so deeply into the ways you can hate your past self while still embracingcompassion, because after all, you know and understand why your past self acted in these ways. To me, that was something that rang true, broke my heart and mended it again.
All in all, this is a memoir that dissects a past and then embraces it and if you are trans or if you experienced trauma or if you’re interested in the story of a person who grew up in Israel to disavow Zionism or about the sex life of a gay trans man or if you sometimes think about your past self and think “Damn, you made some fucked up decisions. Now come here and let me hug you.”: I would recommend you read this book!
Some more of my favorite parts of this memoir in no particular order: talking to Lou Sullivan after an HIV-scare, Zionism as a safe word, a short story about fucking your old self and embracing the parts that brought you pain, the fact that this memoir fully embraces sex and erotica as a means of narrating something of import, the discussions of academia and research into the stereotype threat, the bonds of survival and yes, also hatred, we can form with other marginalized people of our own community.
Tw: past csa, incest, internalized victim blaming, rape, sexual harassment, mentions of suicide (as in with your transition you killed my X), non-accepting family, transphobia, institutionalized child abuse, racism (anti-Arab, anti-Palestinian, anti-rroma & sinti language), Zionism, cheating, lynchings, holocaust, health scares, STDs, choking
There are four main things that drew me to this memoir: 1) the interesting approach of dealing with one’s past by interacting with them, 2) the mention of pro-Palestinian activism (now more important than ever), 3) the working-class-to-PhD-from-Yale story, and the fact that I hoped that this story would do something that I hadn’t encountered in any of the other trans memoirs I’ve read yet (not that I’ve read all of them. But some, and this is one of the more interesting ones I’ve encountered). And as you can probably tell from my rating this memoir fulfilled all my wishes and more.
It always feels a bit weird to rate a memoir. Those are always personal stories, so my rating is based on if I feel the memoir painted an intriguing picture of a life (it did), if the summary matches what I expected to find inside (again, it did), and whether the writing style worked for me or not. In this case it was immediately clear to me that the author has a very interesting way with words. He is a very talented writer and manages to dig deep, reveal and examine his past and analyze his own though processes without leaving the reader too far outside of it.
I found myself deeply drawn into his story, one that follows his first forays into gay sexuality, both before transitioning and most of it after, before catapulting us (and him) to a family reunion at first in Tel Aviv since he wasn’t allowed to enter Israel as they refused to change his passport and then at his uncles’ birthday. After that we were told about his childhood, growing up in a country and a family that espouses Zionism and militarism as the only means of survival against a dangerous threat from outside and the repercussions of being against that that the author faced. The retelling of his young school years where honestly quite shocking to me. One of my favorite things discussed here was the linguistic aspects as well, since Hebrew is a very gendered language the author spends some time explaining that. He also talked a bit about how Yiddish is devalued in Israel, seen as the language of week diaspora speak. He talks about how he got out of serving in the IDF and then managed to escape to America, finding himself in the last place he could see himself in: Academia.
This memoir made me laugh and it made me cry and it made me feel so happy for Avi for having gotten where he is, while also breaking my heart for Talia. Talking with your past self is something that some trans memoirs do, but rarely does an author delve so deeply into the ways you can hate your past self while still embracingcompassion, because after all, you know and understand why your past self acted in these ways. To me, that was something that rang true, broke my heart and mended it again.
All in all, this is a memoir that dissects a past and then embraces it and if you are trans or if you experienced trauma or if you’re interested in the story of a person who grew up in Israel to disavow Zionism or about the sex life of a gay trans man or if you sometimes think about your past self and think “Damn, you made some fucked up decisions. Now come here and let me hug you.”: I would recommend you read this book!
Some more of my favorite parts of this memoir in no particular order: talking to Lou Sullivan after an HIV-scare, Zionism as a safe word, a short story about fucking your old self and embracing the parts that brought you pain, the fact that this memoir fully embraces sex and erotica as a means of narrating something of import, the discussions of academia and research into the stereotype threat, the bonds of survival and yes, also hatred, we can form with other marginalized people of our own community.
Tw: past csa, incest, internalized victim blaming, rape, sexual harassment, mentions of suicide (as in with your transition you killed my X), non-accepting family, transphobia, institutionalized child abuse, racism (anti-Arab, anti-Palestinian, anti-rroma & sinti language), Zionism, cheating, lynchings, holocaust, health scares, STDs, choking