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Crucial Conversations, Third Edition
by Ron McMillan, Kerry Patterson, Emily Gregory, Al Switzler, Joseph Grenny
medium-paced
Chapter 3. Choose Your Topic.
Quote from Charles Kettering: a problem well stated is a problem half solved.
The more words it takes you to describe the topic, the less prepared you are to talk about it.
Levels of conversation: Content, Pattern, Relationship.
Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging that you’ve done it. Place a verbal bookmark for the other topic.
Chapter 4: Start with Heart
Quote from Ambrose Pearce: speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Work on me first, us second. The best way to work on “us” is to start with “me”.
When emotions rise, stop and ask, “What do I really want?” Don’t get distracted by the emotional first response.
Refuse the fool’s choice. Ask yourself how you can get what you want AND avoid what you don’t want.
Chapter 5: Master My Stories
Between seeing/hearing and feeling, we tell ourselves a story. That story determines how we’ll feel. See/hear — tell a story — feel — act.
When getting emotional, pause. Identify your emotions and the story that caused them. What facts or inputs created that story?
False stories: Victim (It’s not my fault), Villain (It’s all your fault), Helpless (there’s nothing else I can do). Turn victims into actors, villains into humans, turn the helpless into the able.
People exit difficult conversations either through silence or violence. According to the assessment, I favor silence.
Chapter 7: Make it Safe
People don’t get defensive over content (what you’re saying). They get defensive over the perceived intent (what they think you’re saying).
Safety requires Mutual Purpose (shared concerns) and Mutual Respect.
Start with Mutual Purpose. Going into the conversation with purpose the other person shares is effective while starting with only your purpose is selfish.
Creating Mutual Respect: Share your good intent. Apologize when appropriate. Contrast to fix misunderstandings. Create a mutual purpose.
Contrasting to fix misunderstandings: a system of what you don’t believe (to address the misunderstanding) followed by a statement of what you do believe (the purpose of the conversation)
Chapter 8: State my path
How to speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? Confidence, Humility, Skill
Start with facts. You arrived at 8:20, not you’re always late, or you can’t be trusted.
Humble questions to expand the pool of meaning: How do you see it? What’s your perspective? Can you help me understand?
Invite opposing views, and mean it.
Chapter 9: Explore others’ paths
“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears. By listening to them” - Dean Rusk
If someone says something that doesn’t seem to make sense, ask yourself why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would say that?
Chapter 10: Retake your own
When getting hard feedback:
- Collect yourself. Take a breath. Name your emotions.
- Understand. Be curious.
- Recover. Take a break if needed.
- Engage. Look for the truth in the feedback.
Putting it all together
Two key principles:
- Lean to look. Notice when others are out of dialogue and choosing silence or violence.
- Make it safe.