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A review by jansyn_liberty
High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley
3.0
Some great analysis of conflict! Audiobook was good.
Takeaways—
“Looping”
it's kind of impossible to feel threatened and curious at the same time. You know, if you think about it, It's very rare that you might feel both and there's good evolutionary reasons for that. Right. But what tends to happen in high conflict is that you feel perpetually threatened.
Ways to keep conflict healthy and to keep curiosity alive — practice a form of active listening that is called looping for understanding.
It's a way of listening to the other person and then distilling what they've said into the most elegant language you can. Playing it back to them and then checking to see if you've got it right. So you're actually proving that you're trying to get them even as you disagree. You're not just saying I hear you.
Overcoming High Conflict
5 ways to overcome High Conflict:
Investigate the understory - Find out what has made people so invested in the conflict.
Reduce the binary - Find out what you share in common. Remove us vs them.
Marginalize the fire starters - Stop listening to those who get a thrill out of the fight.
Buy time and make space - Notice your triggers and when you become aware of them, take a break.
Complicate the narrative - Recognize that most stories go deeper than a hero and villain.
Looping
Looping is a form of paraphrasing. You repeat back to the other person what you've heard them say. This can slow the conversation down and calms high emotions in doing so. It also demonstrates your engagement in the conversation.
Looping is useful when there’s a misunderstanding you need to clear up. Looping follows a simple five-stage formula.
When the other person has said something that you’re confused or unsure about, summarize what that person has said, and ask whether you’ve got it right.
The other person will either confirm that you’ve got it right, or will clarify what you’ve got wrong.
You should then summarize what the other person has said including the new information, and ask that person to confirm you understand.
The other person will either confirm that you understand or not.
If you do understand, consider asking for more information. If you don’t understand, go back to stage one.
Here are some tips for looping:
Loop whenever there’s a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.
Interrupt the other person when necessary to explore something that’s causing confusion.
Be alert to body language, as that can play a role in your understanding and be looped back to the other person – “you just clenched your fists, are you feeling mad?”
Remain calm even if the other person is frustrated or mad.
Questions in Conflict Situations
When you find yourself in high conflict situations, ask these three questions:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
It's surprising how often the answer is no.
Takeaways—
“Looping”
it's kind of impossible to feel threatened and curious at the same time. You know, if you think about it, It's very rare that you might feel both and there's good evolutionary reasons for that. Right. But what tends to happen in high conflict is that you feel perpetually threatened.
Ways to keep conflict healthy and to keep curiosity alive — practice a form of active listening that is called looping for understanding.
It's a way of listening to the other person and then distilling what they've said into the most elegant language you can. Playing it back to them and then checking to see if you've got it right. So you're actually proving that you're trying to get them even as you disagree. You're not just saying I hear you.
Overcoming High Conflict
5 ways to overcome High Conflict:
Investigate the understory - Find out what has made people so invested in the conflict.
Reduce the binary - Find out what you share in common. Remove us vs them.
Marginalize the fire starters - Stop listening to those who get a thrill out of the fight.
Buy time and make space - Notice your triggers and when you become aware of them, take a break.
Complicate the narrative - Recognize that most stories go deeper than a hero and villain.
Looping
Looping is a form of paraphrasing. You repeat back to the other person what you've heard them say. This can slow the conversation down and calms high emotions in doing so. It also demonstrates your engagement in the conversation.
Looping is useful when there’s a misunderstanding you need to clear up. Looping follows a simple five-stage formula.
When the other person has said something that you’re confused or unsure about, summarize what that person has said, and ask whether you’ve got it right.
The other person will either confirm that you’ve got it right, or will clarify what you’ve got wrong.
You should then summarize what the other person has said including the new information, and ask that person to confirm you understand.
The other person will either confirm that you understand or not.
If you do understand, consider asking for more information. If you don’t understand, go back to stage one.
Here are some tips for looping:
Loop whenever there’s a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.
Interrupt the other person when necessary to explore something that’s causing confusion.
Be alert to body language, as that can play a role in your understanding and be looped back to the other person – “you just clenched your fists, are you feeling mad?”
Remain calm even if the other person is frustrated or mad.
Questions in Conflict Situations
When you find yourself in high conflict situations, ask these three questions:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
It's surprising how often the answer is no.