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A review by omikun
The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work by Terrence Real
4.0
This was a great book on how people deal with conflicts if you can look over the persistently sexist examples. I manage to look over it by mentally rephrasing the pronouns so they fit my life better.
Key take aways for me:
Failing strategies - we often resort to strategies that don't work as adults (maybe it did when we were kids) when we get into fight/flight modes. These strategies are
1. Need to be right
2. controlling the other
3. unbridled self expression (anger?)
4. Retaliation
5. Withdraw
One's losing strategy may trigger the other's losing strategy, which may trigger a different losing strategy and so on. Find the trigger, be aware of it when it happens, and make a conscious intent ahead of time to resolve that trigger with a predetermined call/response routine. This is the way to break the cycle.
CNI - chronic negative image? Basically the worst fantasy of the other person. Often times when one engages a losing strategy or becomes triggered in that fight or flight mode, one is shadow boxing with that worst fantasy rather than the person in front of them. This fantasy does not exist. The best way to get rid of it is to really engage with the other person, get to know them with curiosity, and be aware of all their ever-changing complexities so there is no room or pressure to distill them into a caricature/fantasy.
Winning strategies. There's also 5 winning strategies in this book but I prefer the Non-Violent Communication approach better. Also the book "Say What You Mean" by Oren Jay Sofer dives into this with the depth and clarity that it deserves.
Key take aways for me:
Failing strategies - we often resort to strategies that don't work as adults (maybe it did when we were kids) when we get into fight/flight modes. These strategies are
1. Need to be right
2. controlling the other
3. unbridled self expression (anger?)
4. Retaliation
5. Withdraw
One's losing strategy may trigger the other's losing strategy, which may trigger a different losing strategy and so on. Find the trigger, be aware of it when it happens, and make a conscious intent ahead of time to resolve that trigger with a predetermined call/response routine. This is the way to break the cycle.
CNI - chronic negative image? Basically the worst fantasy of the other person. Often times when one engages a losing strategy or becomes triggered in that fight or flight mode, one is shadow boxing with that worst fantasy rather than the person in front of them. This fantasy does not exist. The best way to get rid of it is to really engage with the other person, get to know them with curiosity, and be aware of all their ever-changing complexities so there is no room or pressure to distill them into a caricature/fantasy.
Winning strategies. There's also 5 winning strategies in this book but I prefer the Non-Violent Communication approach better. Also the book "Say What You Mean" by Oren Jay Sofer dives into this with the depth and clarity that it deserves.