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A review by lobotomygf
The Collected Schizophrenias by Esmé Weijun Wang
5.0
i read this book in a day - which is unusual for me, as i normally prefer to take my time. it consumed me, i think.
most of my life has been spent in a cycle of emotional anguish and ruthless self-analysis: what’s wrong with me? am i crazy? what if i’m actually sane? what if i’m making this up and everything has been a lie? how do i get out of this? every time i feel like i’ve reached an answer, everything collapses again.
while i’ve been diagnosed as bipolar, among other things, i have had my fair share of delusion, primarily in childhood. while i no longer experience delusion, my struggles with the uglier, darker aspects of mental illness have made me feel nothing short of monstrous and defective and wrong.
reading this book was almost soothing. it brought me comfort to know i’m not the only one, that a mostly stable and successful life is possible, that my traumas from various forced hospitalizations weren’t imagined, but in fact as devastating and real as i have experienced them to be.
wang’s writing is essential, not only to people struggling with severe mental illness, but to a society that fears and fetishizes mental illness uncritically. in our modern efforts to “normalize” mental health struggles, whatever that means, i fear we’ve alienated the more “unsavory” mental illnesses in favor of the curable, the understandable. while anxiety and depression have become the norm, the rest has been thrust into the shadows. we are still afraid.
the collected schizophrenia actively rejects these stigmas. as wang states, the severely mentally ill are people too. people with dreams and feelings and hopes and fears and ambitions and disappointments. we - and yes, our experiences, even if delusional - are real.
at this point in my life, i’m trying to figure out where my illness fits into who i am. as wang said, it HAS shaped me as a person. it has shaped my thoughts, my feelings, my relationships and my experiences, for better or worse (mostly the latter).
my illness may never leave me, i may never be able to go back to the person i was before it came crashing into my life. i am trying to be okay with this. people like wang give me hope.
most of my life has been spent in a cycle of emotional anguish and ruthless self-analysis: what’s wrong with me? am i crazy? what if i’m actually sane? what if i’m making this up and everything has been a lie? how do i get out of this? every time i feel like i’ve reached an answer, everything collapses again.
while i’ve been diagnosed as bipolar, among other things, i have had my fair share of delusion, primarily in childhood. while i no longer experience delusion, my struggles with the uglier, darker aspects of mental illness have made me feel nothing short of monstrous and defective and wrong.
reading this book was almost soothing. it brought me comfort to know i’m not the only one, that a mostly stable and successful life is possible, that my traumas from various forced hospitalizations weren’t imagined, but in fact as devastating and real as i have experienced them to be.
wang’s writing is essential, not only to people struggling with severe mental illness, but to a society that fears and fetishizes mental illness uncritically. in our modern efforts to “normalize” mental health struggles, whatever that means, i fear we’ve alienated the more “unsavory” mental illnesses in favor of the curable, the understandable. while anxiety and depression have become the norm, the rest has been thrust into the shadows. we are still afraid.
the collected schizophrenia actively rejects these stigmas. as wang states, the severely mentally ill are people too. people with dreams and feelings and hopes and fears and ambitions and disappointments. we - and yes, our experiences, even if delusional - are real.
at this point in my life, i’m trying to figure out where my illness fits into who i am. as wang said, it HAS shaped me as a person. it has shaped my thoughts, my feelings, my relationships and my experiences, for better or worse (mostly the latter).
my illness may never leave me, i may never be able to go back to the person i was before it came crashing into my life. i am trying to be okay with this. people like wang give me hope.