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A review by lajulie24
The Courtship of Princess Leia by Dave Wolverton
1.0
As they say, those are certainly all words, and this book is definitely a thing that happened. Although one would be forgiven for believing this book was some kind of terrible fever dream. In the words of Willow Rosenberg, “Hey, you guys didn’t just happen to take a bunch of drugs, did you?”
The short summary is that this book is bad, the ideas in it are bad, and if Dave Wolverton were still on this earth with us I would tell him he should feel bad. Really bad.
The only reason someone who enjoys Star Wars and/or ships Han and Leia should read this book is to make fun of it. (And really, feel free to just let those of us who have already suffered do that for you.) If neither of those apply to you, you definitely should not read it, because it will give you a terrible and wrong impression of who these characters are and how Star Wars works. Several times while reading this book with Star Wars friends, I was like, “perhaps Dave should have watched a Star Wars movie prior to writing this book?”
That said, sometimes the bonkers-ness that is this book can be enjoyable, as long as you take none of it as canon or as how humans should act in actual life and relationships. Some features/bugs/“highlights” of this book include:
- All of the original trilogy characters — but especially Han and Leia — act nothing like they do in the movies and apparently have completely forgotten their character arcs from the movies. Those of us reading this together came up with multiple theories as to what happened, including “Han, Leia, Luke, Mon Mothma, and several other folks have been drugged by the Hapans”; “this is actually a very bad in-universe holofilm version of what happened and not the real event”; “Han and Leia have been replaced with pod people or poorly-made clones”; “Leia is having some kind of premenstrual psychosis that has also affected Han” for instance.
- Space Fabio Isolder, prince of Hapes and wanna-be fiancé to Leia
- Space Fabio’s mother Ta’chume, who is apparently so gorgeous she has to hide behind a veil and who also is thinly-veiled EVIL who straight up murdered one of Isolder’s brothers, Isolder’s previous fiancé, and possibly Isolder’s father? Unclear.
- Not one but TWO matriarchal societies that somehow mostly work to uphold the heteropatriarchy
- If you need evidence that Han Solo is not himself, he makes friends with THREEPIO and ASKS THREEPIO FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE, and also kidnaps Leia (via the Gun of Command, see below) and takes her to Dathomir to try to get her to fall back in love with him.
- If you need evidence that Leia Organa is not herself, she has absolutely no suspicions about the intentions of the Hapans (Isolder’s people — the proposal to Leia is connected with them allying with the New Republic) despite having been a spy, rebel, and diplomat for literal years, has absolutely no problem with the Hapans giving her something called the Gun of Command that has the power to compel someone to do your will, and apparently is ready to throw over the man she killed a Hutt to rescue (a man who just got back from fighting the remnants of the Empire, a man to whom she has declared her love multiple times) after knowing Space Fabio for two days, because I guess she’s all about the money and royalty now? Huh?
- Leia also spends a lot of time suddenly acting like a frightened damsel, instead of the woman who told Tarkin he stank to his face while implying Vader was nothing more than his lapdog. She is also super mean to Han which is clearly supposed to justify the kidnapping but NO, DAVE. Just NO.
- Luke is apparently on his Mormon mission trip to convert others to the Force and starts with Isolder as his first potential convert.
- While on Dathomir (a planet Han “wins” in a card game, THAT’S NOT HOW NATIONS/PLANETS WORK, DAVE) they run into a clan of Force-sensitive witches who capture men as their slaves as part of their marriage rites.
- Also Dathomir is occupied by an Imperial warlord Han has been fighting for the last five months, who is allied with some evil Force witches on the planet.
- There is a lot of “that’s not how the Force works” that happens here, culminating in the idea that apparently the Force can save you from having a brain aneurysm. Or maybe that’s just Luke.
- Threepio composes and performs a song called “The Virtues of King Han Solo” to try to sway Leia towards Han’s side, including a whole soft-shoe and tap dance (DAVE, STOP MAKING THREEPIO DO THINGS HE IS UNABLE TO DO). Lyrics include “Han Solo! What a man! He’s every princess’s dream!”
- There are rancors (you know, like in Jabba’s palace, except these are mentioned as being significantly bigger) and our heroes ride them.
- At the peak of the final battle Han straps a bomb to himself to try to take out the evil witches threatening them, even though he knows he’ll die in the attempt. After kissing Leia goodbye, her words to him upon leaving are that she likes how his pants fit. He survives but gets his teeth blown out by the head evil witch, Gethzerion.
-After he survives and they win the battle, Leia says she’s back in love with Han and will marry him.
-Don’t worry about Space Fabio, because a hot good witch (Teneniel Djo) captured him and they end up getting engaged at the end of the book, despite his mother’s protests.
-Luke is an hour late to Han and Leia’s wedding because his space Uber took him to the wrong embassy. Nobody seems mad when he strolls up in the middle of the ceremony after throwing Threepio in a closet to keep the droid from interrupting the wedding.
-We don’t actually see any of the wedding past Luke strolling up late because that’s how the book ends.
- There is a lot of homoerotic subtext going on here, mostly between Luke and Isolder, but also kind of between Han and Isolder. Also the Hapans are so gorgeous that no one knows how to cope.
- Han is constantly sweating and desperate. Leia frequently acts like Han is some dude she flirted with once or a casual fling rather than her boyfriend of like four years by the time of this book. Luke has a weird priest/monk vibe going on and also seems to have forgotten that he is friends with Han. Chewie’s dialogue is never translated, and he is essentially treated like a dog. Isolder could not have had less personality if he were a cardboard cutout.
If you want to read a Star Wars book with real chemistry and romance, this is not that book. If you want to read about Han and Leia’s wedding, this is not that book. If you want to read about post-ROTJ pew pew, this is also not that book. Alternative recommendations for you:
- Fanfiction. Seriously, go to Archive of Our Own, check the Han/Leia tag, and you’ll find so many stories that are so much better written, more in-character, more romantic, feature actual weddings and honeymoons, mix action and romance, whatever you’re looking for. For real.
- Han/Leia romance: In the extended universe/Legends, I’d recommend Tatooine Ghost, Razor’s Edge, Honor Among Thieves, even Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor for more Han/Leia romance than this book.
- Han/Leia wedding: The Princess and the Scoundrel by Beth Revis is the new canon wedding book, where we actually get to see the wedding AND everyone is so much more in character. There’s actual romance! It’s not perfect by any means, but it is BRILLIANT compared to this book.
- Post-ROTJ Star Wars adventure: I recommend the X-Wing series, particularly the Wraith Squadron books by Aaron Allston, which mix adventure, character work, pew pew, and all of that so much better. And Allston actually wrote these books (which are set prior to these events) AFTER COPL, so you’ll be even more impressed by how well he fills in and fixes the mess that is the events of this book.
Seriously. Don’t read this.
The short summary is that this book is bad, the ideas in it are bad, and if Dave Wolverton were still on this earth with us I would tell him he should feel bad. Really bad.
The only reason someone who enjoys Star Wars and/or ships Han and Leia should read this book is to make fun of it. (And really, feel free to just let those of us who have already suffered do that for you.) If neither of those apply to you, you definitely should not read it, because it will give you a terrible and wrong impression of who these characters are and how Star Wars works. Several times while reading this book with Star Wars friends, I was like, “perhaps Dave should have watched a Star Wars movie prior to writing this book?”
That said, sometimes the bonkers-ness that is this book can be enjoyable, as long as you take none of it as canon or as how humans should act in actual life and relationships. Some features/bugs/“highlights” of this book include:
- All of the original trilogy characters — but especially Han and Leia — act nothing like they do in the movies and apparently have completely forgotten their character arcs from the movies. Those of us reading this together came up with multiple theories as to what happened, including “Han, Leia, Luke, Mon Mothma, and several other folks have been drugged by the Hapans”; “this is actually a very bad in-universe holofilm version of what happened and not the real event”; “Han and Leia have been replaced with pod people or poorly-made clones”; “Leia is having some kind of premenstrual psychosis that has also affected Han” for instance.
- Space Fabio Isolder, prince of Hapes and wanna-be fiancé to Leia
- Space Fabio’s mother Ta’chume, who is apparently so gorgeous she has to hide behind a veil and who also is thinly-veiled EVIL who straight up murdered one of Isolder’s brothers, Isolder’s previous fiancé, and possibly Isolder’s father? Unclear.
- Not one but TWO matriarchal societies that somehow mostly work to uphold the heteropatriarchy
- If you need evidence that Han Solo is not himself, he makes friends with THREEPIO and ASKS THREEPIO FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE, and also kidnaps Leia (via the Gun of Command, see below) and takes her to Dathomir to try to get her to fall back in love with him.
- If you need evidence that Leia Organa is not herself, she has absolutely no suspicions about the intentions of the Hapans (Isolder’s people — the proposal to Leia is connected with them allying with the New Republic) despite having been a spy, rebel, and diplomat for literal years, has absolutely no problem with the Hapans giving her something called the Gun of Command that has the power to compel someone to do your will, and apparently is ready to throw over the man she killed a Hutt to rescue (a man who just got back from fighting the remnants of the Empire, a man to whom she has declared her love multiple times) after knowing Space Fabio for two days, because I guess she’s all about the money and royalty now? Huh?
- Leia also spends a lot of time suddenly acting like a frightened damsel, instead of the woman who told Tarkin he stank to his face while implying Vader was nothing more than his lapdog. She is also super mean to Han which is clearly supposed to justify the kidnapping but NO, DAVE. Just NO.
- Luke is apparently on his Mormon mission trip to convert others to the Force and starts with Isolder as his first potential convert.
- While on Dathomir (a planet Han “wins” in a card game, THAT’S NOT HOW NATIONS/PLANETS WORK, DAVE) they run into a clan of Force-sensitive witches who capture men as their slaves as part of their marriage rites.
- Also Dathomir is occupied by an Imperial warlord Han has been fighting for the last five months, who is allied with some evil Force witches on the planet.
- There is a lot of “that’s not how the Force works” that happens here, culminating in the idea that apparently the Force can save you from having a brain aneurysm. Or maybe that’s just Luke.
- Threepio composes and performs a song called “The Virtues of King Han Solo” to try to sway Leia towards Han’s side, including a whole soft-shoe and tap dance (DAVE, STOP MAKING THREEPIO DO THINGS HE IS UNABLE TO DO). Lyrics include “Han Solo! What a man! He’s every princess’s dream!”
- There are rancors (you know, like in Jabba’s palace, except these are mentioned as being significantly bigger) and our heroes ride them.
- At the peak of the final battle Han straps a bomb to himself to try to take out the evil witches threatening them, even though he knows he’ll die in the attempt. After kissing Leia goodbye, her words to him upon leaving are that she likes how his pants fit. He survives but gets his teeth blown out by the head evil witch, Gethzerion.
-After he survives and they win the battle, Leia says she’s back in love with Han and will marry him.
-Don’t worry about Space Fabio, because a hot good witch (Teneniel Djo) captured him and they end up getting engaged at the end of the book, despite his mother’s protests.
-Luke is an hour late to Han and Leia’s wedding because his space Uber took him to the wrong embassy. Nobody seems mad when he strolls up in the middle of the ceremony after throwing Threepio in a closet to keep the droid from interrupting the wedding.
-We don’t actually see any of the wedding past Luke strolling up late because that’s how the book ends.
- There is a lot of homoerotic subtext going on here, mostly between Luke and Isolder, but also kind of between Han and Isolder. Also the Hapans are so gorgeous that no one knows how to cope.
- Han is constantly sweating and desperate. Leia frequently acts like Han is some dude she flirted with once or a casual fling rather than her boyfriend of like four years by the time of this book. Luke has a weird priest/monk vibe going on and also seems to have forgotten that he is friends with Han. Chewie’s dialogue is never translated, and he is essentially treated like a dog. Isolder could not have had less personality if he were a cardboard cutout.
If you want to read a Star Wars book with real chemistry and romance, this is not that book. If you want to read about Han and Leia’s wedding, this is not that book. If you want to read about post-ROTJ pew pew, this is also not that book. Alternative recommendations for you:
- Fanfiction. Seriously, go to Archive of Our Own, check the Han/Leia tag, and you’ll find so many stories that are so much better written, more in-character, more romantic, feature actual weddings and honeymoons, mix action and romance, whatever you’re looking for. For real.
- Han/Leia romance: In the extended universe/Legends, I’d recommend Tatooine Ghost, Razor’s Edge, Honor Among Thieves, even Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor for more Han/Leia romance than this book.
- Han/Leia wedding: The Princess and the Scoundrel by Beth Revis is the new canon wedding book, where we actually get to see the wedding AND everyone is so much more in character. There’s actual romance! It’s not perfect by any means, but it is BRILLIANT compared to this book.
- Post-ROTJ Star Wars adventure: I recommend the X-Wing series, particularly the Wraith Squadron books by Aaron Allston, which mix adventure, character work, pew pew, and all of that so much better. And Allston actually wrote these books (which are set prior to these events) AFTER COPL, so you’ll be even more impressed by how well he fills in and fixes the mess that is the events of this book.
Seriously. Don’t read this.