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A review by jessicaesque
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
5.0
Fresh off the heels of reading one of the essential books on attachment theory in adult, romantic relationships, I pursued Perel's State of Affairs after watching her TED talk on the topic of infidelity. While the term is challenging to define, she writes that anywhere from 26 to 75 percent of American men and women, hetero and homosexual alike, cheat. Immediately, Perel's work is emotionally gruelling and philosophically enlightening: to paint the broad mosaic of infidelity in all of its taboo, shame, cruelty, and plenitude. She skillfully offers a new definition: For me, infidelity includes one or more of these three constitutive elements: secrecy, sexual alchemy, and emotional involvement.
Early on in her career, Perel used to ask workshop participants and lecture attendees if they'd participated, willingly or not, in the act of infidelity. Few hands were raised. Yet when she shifted her language to: How many of you have been affected by infidelity in your lives? nearly every hand in the room was tentatively raised. And so too the book opens up to all of us, as loosely as we and the culture around us may define cheating and adultery, a great many of us have brushed against (by any number of degrees) the shadows of infidelity. Which makes this book at once compelling, disquieting, and at times even titillating.
Navigating through landmark and often oppositional experiences of "the same" illicit events by different couples, Perel peppers these egregious, devastating, private life-events with quotes from her couples sessions, emails, and one-on-one conversations. In turn, Perel offers an extensive course in alternative philosophies on not just how we define infidelity, but how we approach both those who stray, and those who are faced with the reality of that unilateral non-monogamy. Perel's empathetic views, from many years in the field and a global lens on marriage, emotional connection, and sexual desire, creates a vantage point fuelled by vulnerability, and guides us with a steady hand.
Whether we are aware of infidelity through our own relationships, that of our parents, or someone's friend's aunt's family, Perel chaperones her readers through the unspoken ambiguity, and the inherent duplicity, of modern love: the ways in which we understand marriage, male and female sexuality and desire, and what it means to be honest with ourselves, and our partners. Perel's voice is relatable, firm, and unyieldingly compassionate. She is the perfect mentor for the discomfort that comes from such a widely mislabelled and marital inevitabilities, such as jealousy and envy.
Perel lifts the foggy veil of intrinsic shame and takes our quivering hand to guide us through the numerous recent studies, attitudes, and cultural shifts that can diminish our self-discovery. She offers many an alternative view on the commonly accepted social attitudes towards infidelity's brokers and victims. Using her liberating philosophies, Perel creates a possibility of a new discourse within one's self, and the marital relationship.
This is highly recommended reading for anyone who has loved, as it is a deep and broad-reaching assessment of what it means to be in love in 2018, and likely far beyond.
Early on in her career, Perel used to ask workshop participants and lecture attendees if they'd participated, willingly or not, in the act of infidelity. Few hands were raised. Yet when she shifted her language to: How many of you have been affected by infidelity in your lives? nearly every hand in the room was tentatively raised. And so too the book opens up to all of us, as loosely as we and the culture around us may define cheating and adultery, a great many of us have brushed against (by any number of degrees) the shadows of infidelity. Which makes this book at once compelling, disquieting, and at times even titillating.
Navigating through landmark and often oppositional experiences of "the same" illicit events by different couples, Perel peppers these egregious, devastating, private life-events with quotes from her couples sessions, emails, and one-on-one conversations. In turn, Perel offers an extensive course in alternative philosophies on not just how we define infidelity, but how we approach both those who stray, and those who are faced with the reality of that unilateral non-monogamy. Perel's empathetic views, from many years in the field and a global lens on marriage, emotional connection, and sexual desire, creates a vantage point fuelled by vulnerability, and guides us with a steady hand.
Whether we are aware of infidelity through our own relationships, that of our parents, or someone's friend's aunt's family, Perel chaperones her readers through the unspoken ambiguity, and the inherent duplicity, of modern love: the ways in which we understand marriage, male and female sexuality and desire, and what it means to be honest with ourselves, and our partners. Perel's voice is relatable, firm, and unyieldingly compassionate. She is the perfect mentor for the discomfort that comes from such a widely mislabelled and marital inevitabilities, such as jealousy and envy.
Perel lifts the foggy veil of intrinsic shame and takes our quivering hand to guide us through the numerous recent studies, attitudes, and cultural shifts that can diminish our self-discovery. She offers many an alternative view on the commonly accepted social attitudes towards infidelity's brokers and victims. Using her liberating philosophies, Perel creates a possibility of a new discourse within one's self, and the marital relationship.
This is highly recommended reading for anyone who has loved, as it is a deep and broad-reaching assessment of what it means to be in love in 2018, and likely far beyond.