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A review by helpfulsnowman
DC Comics: The New 52 by Geoff Johns
3.0
So I read this ENTIRE volume.
Let me first review it as an object:
This thing weighs almost eight pounds. That doesn't sound that heavy, but believe me, it makes reading on the dumper almost impossible. 8 pounds would be a large-ish baby. Imagine taking a baby, cracking it in half, then holding one half in each hand for a half hour. You'd get tired.
It was also so thick, it was unreadable at places because the crease was just so deep. Penis joke/vagina joke.
Okay, so now onto the comics. What I decided to to was Tweet reviews because that would keep them short. Even a mere 100 words on each would be...100...500...many, many words beyond the interest level of any human. So here, reproduced are all 52 Tweets. But before we get to that, I do want to say that the one disappointing thing to me was that this whole thing was about DC relaunching everything from #1. I thought, Finally, I can maybe understand what's going on in DC. But this isn't true. They did relaunch SOME books, but the Batman books and Green Lantern books, which were selling alright before the relaunch, were clearly in media res (Latin for, Impenetrable to Peter). That pissed me off just a bit. It doesn't show a lot of faith in the project of a relaunch to say, Let's relaunch ALL of our titles...except the few good ones. Also, I feel obligated to point out that the Bat books and GL books account for somewhere around 20% of the universe? Subtract books that take place in alternate time periods or that have no involvement with the larger universe, and it's a little bit of a pathetic total relaunch.
Okay, enough bitching. Now onto short-form bitching:
I feel like I suddenly know too much about catwoman's bra preferences #dc52
Justice league: a batman/greenlantern teamup feels like a teamup between a ninja version muhammad ali and merlin. #dc52
Justice league international: how is the worldwide version always inferior to the america version? #dc52
You know what I always hated about aquaman? He let's everyone give him shit for being a nobody even though HE'S aquaman #dc52
Why is wonder woman always taking time off from being a powerful, beautiful amazon to be a...powerful, beautiful amazon of business? #dc52
Flash actually seems to be going somewhere with this detective-y angle. Don't tell batman #dc52
At first I thought I wouldn't care about a hero with inexplicable science powers. I'd like to thank captain atom for confirming this #dc52
There's a white firestorm and a black one? How will they get along? I mean, the being engulfed in flames negates skin color, but still #dc52
I've yet to understand why Green Arrow gets gigs while Purple Two Handguns is still out of work #dc52
Hawkman is so self-involved. Not sure if that's a hawk thing or a man thing. But it's definitely an annoying thing #dc52
Mister terrific has the words Fair Play tattooed on his arms. Or maybe it's Play Fair. He might be a lefty. #dc52
I don't know what's going on with Deadman. Or why he's dressed like Freddy Mercury without hair, facial or head #dc52
Classic cop mistake in Action Comics: quit trying to use electric nets to trap superman. You gave it your best, it don't work, move on #dc52
Clark Kent and Larry David: same glasses #dc52
Why does every scientist make a clone and then completely 180 and want to kill it? Maybe wait a day, see what happens #superboy #dc52
The best thing about supergirl being fiction is we don't have to hear a million Behar jokes involving thigh comparison on the View #dc52
Batman was good. Although relaunched with three robins, one of whom is his son. When I "relaunch" at 41 my son will be in the dust #dc52
I guess I thought Detective Comics were about detectives, not FOR them #dc52
Single panel in Batwoman: werewolf, plane crash, octopus man choking a bald woman, and an insane lady shooting guns. Uh. #dc52
Dark Knight is the second of three Batman titles involving Bruce Wayne giving a speech at a fancy dinner event. What the fuck. #dc52
So in Batman and Robin there is a cadre of Batmen? Being dipped in acid? Is it too late to sign on for Batmen International? #dc52
How did Batgirl get unparalyzed? "Then a miracle happened." Phew. For a second I thought we were written into a corner. #dc52
Batwing stabbed in the chest? Fine. Not that I dislike AfricaBatman. I just hate the aesthetics of machine guns mounted in a truck bed #dc52
Can nightwing stop pining over the circus already? The food sucks and clowns only make balloon animals to trick children into fondles #dc52
Red Hood and the Outlaws: awesome band name. Nobody steal that. I stole it first. Hence the outlaw thing. #dc52
Green Lantern starts off pretty good. I mean, not really a reboot, but at least killing Ganthet means his ponytail also dies #dc52
If Green Lantern Corps poses that Guy Gardner can't even get a h.s. football coach job, what the hell is going to do with that haircut?#dc52
I'm glad GreenLanternNewGuardians has such a long name. It limits my ability to tweeticize it #dc52
Am I the lone soul who thinks an all-white Justice League Dark is a missed opportunity to embrace the current blaxploitation revival? #dc52
I liked Swamp Thing better when he was an action figure with extending arm powers as opposed to nightmare sequence powers #dc52
Animal Man and Jeff Lemire equals about time. And zombie kitties. #dc52
Frankenstein, a mummy, a vampire, a werewolf, and a fishwoman walk into a fight. And that's a comic book you can buy #dc52
Before I, Vampire I didn't see how badly I longed for Kris Kristofferson to explain all the vampire shit in that crusty way of his #dc52
Killing Resurrection Man is sort of like building a fort from couch cushions to thwart Couch Fort Pusher-Downer Man #dc52
At least Demon Knights had the grossest possessed baby ever #dc52
Haha, wait that's my...oh never mind #dc52
Should have been Birds of PrAy. Capture the jesus people that way. Or at least someone. #dc52
Red Lanterns: blood cat in space #dc52
Grifter blocking knives with an airline food tray teaches that full meals exist on planes and that the spilled food wouldn't burn flesh #dc52
How long can Deathstroke go before someone ends an issue by holding up a picture OF him, TO him and says, I need you to kill this man #dc52
Suicide Squad is like mission impossible 2: I know it's stupid, but not so stupid that I'm proud of how much I enjoyed it #dc52
Voodoo perpetuates bad stereotypes about strippers. Mainly that they are aliens who felt this was the best way to learn #dc52
The fact that OMAC stands for Office Management Amidst Chaos has blown 78 of my 92 emotions. Not all, but definitely most #dc52
Jonah hex is awesome, even if he's a stars n bars guy #dc52
Blackhawks has taught me something: in comics, redheads like guys with glasses. Peterparker/maryjane. Cyclops/jeangray. It goes on #dc52
After Men of War I'd like a chart of army ranks with a line across it. Above line, ranks we hate. Below, cigar chomping badasses. #dc52
Kid flash is always so irresponsible. Why can't he ever be fast AND diligent? #dc52
Did anyone inform Static Shock that there's already a black Spider-man type guy? We've been calling him Spider-Man. #dc52
Blue Beetle's battle cry of Khaji-Kai sounds a lot like Queen Latifah's character name from the 90's hit (in my home) Living Single #dc52
If I were in Legion, my power would be getting sick of Legion Lost almost immediately #dc52
Ah, shit. Legion not lost is almost as repulsive as Legion Lost #dc52
So Hawk & Dove are gods of war, and they are inseparable, and Dove is dating Deadman somehow? But mainly they punch? #dc52
Let me first review it as an object:
This thing weighs almost eight pounds. That doesn't sound that heavy, but believe me, it makes reading on the dumper almost impossible. 8 pounds would be a large-ish baby. Imagine taking a baby, cracking it in half, then holding one half in each hand for a half hour. You'd get tired.
It was also so thick, it was unreadable at places because the crease was just so deep. Penis joke/vagina joke.
Okay, so now onto the comics. What I decided to to was Tweet reviews because that would keep them short. Even a mere 100 words on each would be...100...500...many, many words beyond the interest level of any human. So here, reproduced are all 52 Tweets. But before we get to that, I do want to say that the one disappointing thing to me was that this whole thing was about DC relaunching everything from #1. I thought, Finally, I can maybe understand what's going on in DC. But this isn't true. They did relaunch SOME books, but the Batman books and Green Lantern books, which were selling alright before the relaunch, were clearly in media res (Latin for, Impenetrable to Peter). That pissed me off just a bit. It doesn't show a lot of faith in the project of a relaunch to say, Let's relaunch ALL of our titles...except the few good ones. Also, I feel obligated to point out that the Bat books and GL books account for somewhere around 20% of the universe? Subtract books that take place in alternate time periods or that have no involvement with the larger universe, and it's a little bit of a pathetic total relaunch.
Okay, enough bitching. Now onto short-form bitching:
I feel like I suddenly know too much about catwoman's bra preferences #dc52
Justice league: a batman/greenlantern teamup feels like a teamup between a ninja version muhammad ali and merlin. #dc52
Justice league international: how is the worldwide version always inferior to the america version? #dc52
You know what I always hated about aquaman? He let's everyone give him shit for being a nobody even though HE'S aquaman #dc52
Why is wonder woman always taking time off from being a powerful, beautiful amazon to be a...powerful, beautiful amazon of business? #dc52
Flash actually seems to be going somewhere with this detective-y angle. Don't tell batman #dc52
At first I thought I wouldn't care about a hero with inexplicable science powers. I'd like to thank captain atom for confirming this #dc52
There's a white firestorm and a black one? How will they get along? I mean, the being engulfed in flames negates skin color, but still #dc52
I've yet to understand why Green Arrow gets gigs while Purple Two Handguns is still out of work #dc52
Hawkman is so self-involved. Not sure if that's a hawk thing or a man thing. But it's definitely an annoying thing #dc52
Mister terrific has the words Fair Play tattooed on his arms. Or maybe it's Play Fair. He might be a lefty. #dc52
I don't know what's going on with Deadman. Or why he's dressed like Freddy Mercury without hair, facial or head #dc52
Classic cop mistake in Action Comics: quit trying to use electric nets to trap superman. You gave it your best, it don't work, move on #dc52
Clark Kent and Larry David: same glasses #dc52
Why does every scientist make a clone and then completely 180 and want to kill it? Maybe wait a day, see what happens #superboy #dc52
The best thing about supergirl being fiction is we don't have to hear a million Behar jokes involving thigh comparison on the View #dc52
Batman was good. Although relaunched with three robins, one of whom is his son. When I "relaunch" at 41 my son will be in the dust #dc52
I guess I thought Detective Comics were about detectives, not FOR them #dc52
Single panel in Batwoman: werewolf, plane crash, octopus man choking a bald woman, and an insane lady shooting guns. Uh. #dc52
Dark Knight is the second of three Batman titles involving Bruce Wayne giving a speech at a fancy dinner event. What the fuck. #dc52
So in Batman and Robin there is a cadre of Batmen? Being dipped in acid? Is it too late to sign on for Batmen International? #dc52
How did Batgirl get unparalyzed? "Then a miracle happened." Phew. For a second I thought we were written into a corner. #dc52
Batwing stabbed in the chest? Fine. Not that I dislike AfricaBatman. I just hate the aesthetics of machine guns mounted in a truck bed #dc52
Can nightwing stop pining over the circus already? The food sucks and clowns only make balloon animals to trick children into fondles #dc52
Red Hood and the Outlaws: awesome band name. Nobody steal that. I stole it first. Hence the outlaw thing. #dc52
Green Lantern starts off pretty good. I mean, not really a reboot, but at least killing Ganthet means his ponytail also dies #dc52
If Green Lantern Corps poses that Guy Gardner can't even get a h.s. football coach job, what the hell is going to do with that haircut?#dc52
I'm glad GreenLanternNewGuardians has such a long name. It limits my ability to tweeticize it #dc52
Am I the lone soul who thinks an all-white Justice League Dark is a missed opportunity to embrace the current blaxploitation revival? #dc52
I liked Swamp Thing better when he was an action figure with extending arm powers as opposed to nightmare sequence powers #dc52
Animal Man and Jeff Lemire equals about time. And zombie kitties. #dc52
Frankenstein, a mummy, a vampire, a werewolf, and a fishwoman walk into a fight. And that's a comic book you can buy #dc52
Before I, Vampire I didn't see how badly I longed for Kris Kristofferson to explain all the vampire shit in that crusty way of his #dc52
Killing Resurrection Man is sort of like building a fort from couch cushions to thwart Couch Fort Pusher-Downer Man #dc52
At least Demon Knights had the grossest possessed baby ever #dc52
Haha, wait that's my...oh never mind #dc52
Should have been Birds of PrAy. Capture the jesus people that way. Or at least someone. #dc52
Red Lanterns: blood cat in space #dc52
Grifter blocking knives with an airline food tray teaches that full meals exist on planes and that the spilled food wouldn't burn flesh #dc52
How long can Deathstroke go before someone ends an issue by holding up a picture OF him, TO him and says, I need you to kill this man #dc52
Suicide Squad is like mission impossible 2: I know it's stupid, but not so stupid that I'm proud of how much I enjoyed it #dc52
Voodoo perpetuates bad stereotypes about strippers. Mainly that they are aliens who felt this was the best way to learn #dc52
The fact that OMAC stands for Office Management Amidst Chaos has blown 78 of my 92 emotions. Not all, but definitely most #dc52
Jonah hex is awesome, even if he's a stars n bars guy #dc52
Blackhawks has taught me something: in comics, redheads like guys with glasses. Peterparker/maryjane. Cyclops/jeangray. It goes on #dc52
After Men of War I'd like a chart of army ranks with a line across it. Above line, ranks we hate. Below, cigar chomping badasses. #dc52
Kid flash is always so irresponsible. Why can't he ever be fast AND diligent? #dc52
Did anyone inform Static Shock that there's already a black Spider-man type guy? We've been calling him Spider-Man. #dc52
Blue Beetle's battle cry of Khaji-Kai sounds a lot like Queen Latifah's character name from the 90's hit (in my home) Living Single #dc52
If I were in Legion, my power would be getting sick of Legion Lost almost immediately #dc52
Ah, shit. Legion not lost is almost as repulsive as Legion Lost #dc52
So Hawk & Dove are gods of war, and they are inseparable, and Dove is dating Deadman somehow? But mainly they punch? #dc52