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acuriousreader 's review for:
My Dark Vanessa
by Kate Elizabeth Russell
When writing a book like My Dark Vanessa there is a vey fine line that an author has to tread. If the narrative or characters are pushed too far in either direction you find the message getting lost or perhaps the telling becoming too problematic. Kate Elizabeth Russel does an amazing job with walking that line.
Despite our main Character, Vanessa, doing everything in her power to not only convince herself of the innocence of the man who abused her, but trying to convince others as well, it is made very clear from page one of the wrongness of what happened to her.
There is a specific line that Vanessa tells her therapist that I think a lot of sexual assault/rape/and abuse survivors can ultimately relate too. And that is when she tells her therapist that she has to believe that she was not a victim cause she can not handle the thought of the alternative. Even though she knows deep with in her she was manipulated, abused, groomed, and raped.
I liked that this book did not shy away from the reality of these situations (especially with in the school system, more specifically within Boarding schools and catholic education systems, which i will touch more on later). It showed how different each person, regardless of sharing a story, rationalizes, or deals with their trauma. Or perhaps how they don’t deal or cope at all. Many people internalize their pain and their trauma and find blame with in themselves, or convince themselves that maybe they did want what happened. Many hold on to their story for years and years in fear of not being believed or having their trauma thrown back at them. Some are ready to fight immediately until the justice the need and want are served. Some turn to drugs and alcohol to escape the reality of the world they live in.
Many of these outcomes are touched on throughout the book which I found refreshing to see. The other thing i found well done was the reactions of others to how you ended up coping. In this case, Vanessa is adamant she is not a victim and her abuser loved her. And the Author covers many reactions of the adults and peers around her. From outrage to “it is what it is” each one is brought too light.
I also liked that not everything was tied up in a neat little bow. Although I wish there was a bit more time taken on her beginning of recovery, I like that she wasn’t just immediately “cured” of her trauma. It shows the reality that it can takes years and sometimes (most of the time lets be real) will never actually go away.
This book made you uncomfortable most of the way through, but that was the point. And if it didn’t, then you should maybe analyze why.
There honestly really one gripe I had with this book. And that is how the sex scene was handled. I understand that it was meant to showcase and shock and make you feel uncomfortable and possibly to open people minds to what goes through a victims mind during such a heinous act. However for me personally I did find it extremely triggering and I think a lot of people who read it would as well. I think the same points could have been made with a less graphic approach, without the narrative getting lost. Sometimes a little sensitivity can go a long way in cases like this.
Ok, here I will be talking of my own experiences in the Catholic School System. This section my be extremely triggering to some readers. Please, proceed with caution.
Looking back there are a lot of things that happened throughout my childhood within the school system, specifically Catholic School, that now i shake my head in horror and can’t understand how the faculty deemed this “ok”
Let’s begin in elementary school. We had this teacher that every class he had/we had with him, he would choose two students to rub his feet. Yes, you read that correctly. He would remove his shoes and make two of his student rub his feet for the entirety of the class. Usually girls would be chosen, and you didn’t have a choice. In fact, the grossest part about this, is that he made it seem like a privilege that you got to do this duty for him. It even went as far as some students raising their hand to “volunteer” because you were made to feel “Special” while doing this.
Meanwhile other teachers were usually in the room, or in the very least heard and saw it happening. Most smiled softly and fondly as if it were a cute wholesome thing we were being tasked with doing. No one questioned a thing. No one tried to stop it.
Let’s fast forward to high school now. Where one teacher was accused and investigated for sleeping with a student, and found innocent, based on both parties denying any involvement (much like Vanessa and Strane) even though there was proof of messages and texts of this student admitting what happened. This teacher, before and after the accusation, would also come up behind us girls in his classes and rub our shoulders, would put his hands on our legs while teaching, and make inappropriate comments to us.
Even after he was accused (and frustratingly found innocent) a second time, nothing happened. this teacher still teaches there. Other teachers “keep an eye” on him and know and feel uncomfortable with how he acts and touches his students. But none of them say a word, some because they feel like they can’t, because a lot is at stake if they did. Some because they straight up turn a blind eye.
This problem and these things happen all too often, and in places like school where you are supposed to feel safe. Victim blaming is all to prevalent, and we need to start believing victims. It takes a lot to finally feel safe and ok to speak up on things that have happened to you, and when the average outcome if to be blamed for your own trauma and have nothing come of speaking up, it keeps a lot of us silent longer. And that is what our abusers count on.
I am sorry to any reading this who has gone through similar things, or worse…. I know I have. I am here for you. I believe you. I stand with you.
Despite our main Character, Vanessa, doing everything in her power to not only convince herself of the innocence of the man who abused her, but trying to convince others as well, it is made very clear from page one of the wrongness of what happened to her.
There is a specific line that Vanessa tells her therapist that I think a lot of sexual assault/rape/and abuse survivors can ultimately relate too. And that is when she tells her therapist that she has to believe that she was not a victim cause she can not handle the thought of the alternative. Even though she knows deep with in her she was manipulated, abused, groomed, and raped.
I liked that this book did not shy away from the reality of these situations (especially with in the school system, more specifically within Boarding schools and catholic education systems, which i will touch more on later). It showed how different each person, regardless of sharing a story, rationalizes, or deals with their trauma. Or perhaps how they don’t deal or cope at all. Many people internalize their pain and their trauma and find blame with in themselves, or convince themselves that maybe they did want what happened. Many hold on to their story for years and years in fear of not being believed or having their trauma thrown back at them. Some are ready to fight immediately until the justice the need and want are served. Some turn to drugs and alcohol to escape the reality of the world they live in.
Many of these outcomes are touched on throughout the book which I found refreshing to see. The other thing i found well done was the reactions of others to how you ended up coping. In this case, Vanessa is adamant she is not a victim and her abuser loved her. And the Author covers many reactions of the adults and peers around her. From outrage to “it is what it is” each one is brought too light.
I also liked that not everything was tied up in a neat little bow. Although I wish there was a bit more time taken on her beginning of recovery, I like that she wasn’t just immediately “cured” of her trauma. It shows the reality that it can takes years and sometimes (most of the time lets be real) will never actually go away.
This book made you uncomfortable most of the way through, but that was the point. And if it didn’t, then you should maybe analyze why.
There honestly really one gripe I had with this book. And that is how the sex scene was handled. I understand that it was meant to showcase and shock and make you feel uncomfortable and possibly to open people minds to what goes through a victims mind during such a heinous act. However for me personally I did find it extremely triggering and I think a lot of people who read it would as well. I think the same points could have been made with a less graphic approach, without the narrative getting lost. Sometimes a little sensitivity can go a long way in cases like this.
Ok, here I will be talking of my own experiences in the Catholic School System. This section my be extremely triggering to some readers. Please, proceed with caution.
Looking back there are a lot of things that happened throughout my childhood within the school system, specifically Catholic School, that now i shake my head in horror and can’t understand how the faculty deemed this “ok”
Let’s begin in elementary school. We had this teacher that every class he had/we had with him, he would choose two students to rub his feet. Yes, you read that correctly. He would remove his shoes and make two of his student rub his feet for the entirety of the class. Usually girls would be chosen, and you didn’t have a choice. In fact, the grossest part about this, is that he made it seem like a privilege that you got to do this duty for him. It even went as far as some students raising their hand to “volunteer” because you were made to feel “Special” while doing this.
Meanwhile other teachers were usually in the room, or in the very least heard and saw it happening. Most smiled softly and fondly as if it were a cute wholesome thing we were being tasked with doing. No one questioned a thing. No one tried to stop it.
Let’s fast forward to high school now. Where one teacher was accused and investigated for sleeping with a student, and found innocent, based on both parties denying any involvement (much like Vanessa and Strane) even though there was proof of messages and texts of this student admitting what happened. This teacher, before and after the accusation, would also come up behind us girls in his classes and rub our shoulders, would put his hands on our legs while teaching, and make inappropriate comments to us.
Even after he was accused (and frustratingly found innocent) a second time, nothing happened. this teacher still teaches there. Other teachers “keep an eye” on him and know and feel uncomfortable with how he acts and touches his students. But none of them say a word, some because they feel like they can’t, because a lot is at stake if they did. Some because they straight up turn a blind eye.
This problem and these things happen all too often, and in places like school where you are supposed to feel safe. Victim blaming is all to prevalent, and we need to start believing victims. It takes a lot to finally feel safe and ok to speak up on things that have happened to you, and when the average outcome if to be blamed for your own trauma and have nothing come of speaking up, it keeps a lot of us silent longer. And that is what our abusers count on.
I am sorry to any reading this who has gone through similar things, or worse…. I know I have. I am here for you. I believe you. I stand with you.