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A review by entirelybonkerz
Ice Planet Barbarians by Ruby Dixon
2.0
I have finally done it. I have read one of the most well known and well loved monster romances of all times and as usual, I have a few words...
Starting with: I never intended to take this book seriously, I was expecting the naughtiest, dirtiest, and most absurd story in the world. It obviously delivered on the hilarity with: "It wasn't a monster coming to eat me, it was a monster coming to eat me out."
It touched the deepest female parts of my soul whenever she made very clear that men on planet earth aren't capable of giving good head.
As the female species, we have been in a constant state of despair for so long (apparently since 2015, when this book was originally published) that the idea of being abducted from your house in your pajamas into a different GALAXY, mated with a 7 feet tall giant alien who is willing to go down on you without you ever even voicing that want, is more believable than a cisgender heterosexual man being faithful to you.
As a woman, it has shocked me and depressed me at the same time that the idea of having a blue man with horns and a ridged penis completely ruin your bussy is more appealing to me at this point than going on a tinder date.
These women were abducted and removed from everything they knew and everyone they loved. Their jobs, their houses, their friends...Introduced to a freezing cold land, with avatar looking people, and for them to survive the inauspicious atmosphere they had to insert worms into their necks, have their entire bodies and faces change.
The main female character was basically impregnated without her knowledge (you know, language barrier and all), and she came to terms with all of that in the span of seven days.
Because this entire narrative is more appealing and believable than an actual human male wanting to build a family with you.
Anyways, the book was funny for the first 10 pages. After that,
about three things I was absolutely positive. First, Vektal was an alien. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that was definitely better than any human man. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably bored by him and his entire book.
Maybe it was the insta-love of it all? I am not sure. This series is so popular and I thought I was going to encounter some struggle coming from the female character with the whole narrative, resistance even. Maybe if we have gotten some angst? I think the love-dovey thing of it all also threw me off. It was funny for a second, but it's not worth the repetition.
I don't know what bothers me more, how boring this was or that I completely understand her decision to never come back to earth and to accept to make babies with blue horned people.
Unfortunately, after the initial curiosity wore off, that was it. He worshipped her, gave her a lot of oral (the scenes were pretty mild compared to the expectations you guys built), she fell in love with him in six days, got pregnant and decided to never come back to earth. It was a novella and it still felt like such a looooooooooong read.
I guess we can't win. Not even 7 feet tall blue men, with ridged rabbit vibrator like shaped penises who are there to be forever faithful to you and only you will satisfy my disconsolate, despaired and demoralized heart. Here or on a different galaxy, that's what love is. 
This book just reminded me of how much I hate men. LMAO Because they drive us to the brink of madness to the point where a book like this needs to be written so we can get slightly close to the experience, at least once in our lives, of what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.
sorry for the bitter review, I am on my period
*snorts midol*
Anyways, other than that - the constant star wars references were so annoying (and I am a huge star wars fan), the world building was pretty cool and creative, so points for that. The two stars are for the few giggles it got out of me. But it’s honestly shocking that even with ALL OF THIS BUILD up and this UNLIKELY plot, this book was still EXTREMELY boring. It takes real talent LMAO