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A review by edacious_bookworm
what made maddie run by Kate Fagan
5.0
The question is: "Is the act the climax? I don't think it is....dig into why people make decisions.That's the interesting part--it's about reframing the suicide to be about the person's life and not just about their death."
--Sucide Survivor and Suicide Awareness Activist
This was a difficult, poignant read for me, but so, so important as topics such as suicide, depression, anxiety, expectations vs. reality, and perfectionism are discussed. It was a surreal to see myself both in a mother’s perspective and Maddie—the struggling freshmen. I could definitely identify with the millennial push to have the right college resume and have clear cut goals and then feel utterly overwhelmed and inadequate starting college. To realize that being the top student or athlete in one’s school is nothing special once attending college. Everyone seems just a brilliant and even more capable than you.
“Lisa therapist: I believe I am/we are seeing the result of the so-called “Race to Nowhere”—the achievement/status driven culture that are kids are raised in….parents who are so fearful and anxious about helping their children succeed that there is simply no room for their children, my clients to begin to know themselves. When they arrive at college, the wheels come off. They are so hard on themselves, and so out of touch with what they really care about—discovering their true interests is a foreign concept. There is such a push for perfection that normal life skills (learning time management, healthy sleep habits, adult responsibilities) are not in place…Combine this with the incessant comparisons students make of themselves to others via social media, financial burdens and dread of graduation (for after a lifetime of curated education, graduation feels like falling off a cliff) and you have a perfect storm.”
Social media is also another deeply explored topic, where the constant proliferation and easy access to “plugging in” can be toxic, addicting, and isolating. At one point, the author mentions that she is 2 people—the first is her offline flawed person and the second is her edited and filtered online persona. That persona can be paused in perfection and then picked up at any time.
“Picture a duck, and below the surface they are scrambling for their lives, but above the water everything appears peaceful.”
“…having a hard time is not part of that messaging which perpetuates the belief that ‘I’m not okay’ must mean that something is wrong with you instead of something a lot of people might feel.”
It is so, so important to be able to discuss struggles and to be honest. However, as the author points out that there are many barriers to having honest, heart-felt conversations. She then explores the effect of filtered images on social media and indirect messaging (instead of face-to-face conversation) and the rise of anxiety and emotional isolation. The author mentions studies about dopamine and other stress relieving chemicals released during physical/talking conversations versus texting conversations (where none are released).
What really spoke to me was the inclusion of Maurice Boyd who delivered sermons, one particular was in 1996 entitled “The Fine Art of Being Imperfect.” The author shares snippets, but essentially Boyd shares 3 examples: Waterford crystal, pottery, and oriental rugs and then relates them to how flaws are viewed. With the Waterford crystal if even slightest deformity or crack is “…spotted, the piece is immediately shattered… punishment for a defect nearly invisible to the human eye….He says, ‘Notice how close perfection is to despair.” With the clay example and a mistake formed, “… the potter will not throw away the clay, she will attempt to reshape the piece around the mistake as if it had never happened.” Finally, with the “weavers who create the world’s most beautiful rugs,” the rugs naturally become asymmetrical; “However, this asymmetry is not considered a mistake to be eradicated or smoothed out. In fact it is the opposite: this imperfection becomes the rug’s beauty, its uniqueness. This rug is unlike any other, and that is what makes it a coveted work.”
“Boyd’s message asks a single question of his listeners: In which way do we view imperfection? And again, Notice how close perfection is to despair.”
This would make a great book club book and discussion. It makes me think of my own college struggles and challenges that luckily I was able to overcome and succeed. It makes my heart ache for those I know who struggled and did not succeed. This is a powerful social discussion that needs to occur more. There needs to be less ostracizing of anything deemed mental illness. There needs to be more awareness. I would highly recommend this powerful, researched story that follows Maddie's life--her triumphs, her struggles, and her relationships-- before she takes her own life.
--Sucide Survivor and Suicide Awareness Activist
This was a difficult, poignant read for me, but so, so important as topics such as suicide, depression, anxiety, expectations vs. reality, and perfectionism are discussed. It was a surreal to see myself both in a mother’s perspective and Maddie—the struggling freshmen. I could definitely identify with the millennial push to have the right college resume and have clear cut goals and then feel utterly overwhelmed and inadequate starting college. To realize that being the top student or athlete in one’s school is nothing special once attending college. Everyone seems just a brilliant and even more capable than you.
“Lisa therapist: I believe I am/we are seeing the result of the so-called “Race to Nowhere”—the achievement/status driven culture that are kids are raised in….parents who are so fearful and anxious about helping their children succeed that there is simply no room for their children, my clients to begin to know themselves. When they arrive at college, the wheels come off. They are so hard on themselves, and so out of touch with what they really care about—discovering their true interests is a foreign concept. There is such a push for perfection that normal life skills (learning time management, healthy sleep habits, adult responsibilities) are not in place…Combine this with the incessant comparisons students make of themselves to others via social media, financial burdens and dread of graduation (for after a lifetime of curated education, graduation feels like falling off a cliff) and you have a perfect storm.”
Social media is also another deeply explored topic, where the constant proliferation and easy access to “plugging in” can be toxic, addicting, and isolating. At one point, the author mentions that she is 2 people—the first is her offline flawed person and the second is her edited and filtered online persona. That persona can be paused in perfection and then picked up at any time.
“Picture a duck, and below the surface they are scrambling for their lives, but above the water everything appears peaceful.”
“…having a hard time is not part of that messaging which perpetuates the belief that ‘I’m not okay’ must mean that something is wrong with you instead of something a lot of people might feel.”
It is so, so important to be able to discuss struggles and to be honest. However, as the author points out that there are many barriers to having honest, heart-felt conversations. She then explores the effect of filtered images on social media and indirect messaging (instead of face-to-face conversation) and the rise of anxiety and emotional isolation. The author mentions studies about dopamine and other stress relieving chemicals released during physical/talking conversations versus texting conversations (where none are released).
What really spoke to me was the inclusion of Maurice Boyd who delivered sermons, one particular was in 1996 entitled “The Fine Art of Being Imperfect.” The author shares snippets, but essentially Boyd shares 3 examples: Waterford crystal, pottery, and oriental rugs and then relates them to how flaws are viewed. With the Waterford crystal if even slightest deformity or crack is “…spotted, the piece is immediately shattered… punishment for a defect nearly invisible to the human eye….He says, ‘Notice how close perfection is to despair.” With the clay example and a mistake formed, “… the potter will not throw away the clay, she will attempt to reshape the piece around the mistake as if it had never happened.” Finally, with the “weavers who create the world’s most beautiful rugs,” the rugs naturally become asymmetrical; “However, this asymmetry is not considered a mistake to be eradicated or smoothed out. In fact it is the opposite: this imperfection becomes the rug’s beauty, its uniqueness. This rug is unlike any other, and that is what makes it a coveted work.”
“Boyd’s message asks a single question of his listeners: In which way do we view imperfection? And again, Notice how close perfection is to despair.”
This would make a great book club book and discussion. It makes me think of my own college struggles and challenges that luckily I was able to overcome and succeed. It makes my heart ache for those I know who struggled and did not succeed. This is a powerful social discussion that needs to occur more. There needs to be less ostracizing of anything deemed mental illness. There needs to be more awareness. I would highly recommend this powerful, researched story that follows Maddie's life--her triumphs, her struggles, and her relationships-- before she takes her own life.