A review by jessdekkerreads
H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald

emotional hopeful inspiring reflective sad

5.0

“𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭…𝘈𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘓𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘦, 𝘵𝘰𝘰, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘢𝘱𝘴….”

.

A memoir that has you asking yourself, ”how do you fill the void that’s been left after a loss?” The answer is simple: you don’t. Grief is a personal journey, wherein some seek solitude, while others surround themselves with distraction. Loss can bring on emotions without warning, can leave you grasping for the scraps and memories, holding on tightly. Leaving you to catch glimpses of the life you may have lived, had you not lost them, like seeing a ghost in the mirror, unrecognizable; you hold on to the things they loved, and you love those things too. You don’t fill the void, you 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘢𝘱𝘴.

And that is what Macdonald does here, in the midst of her grief following the sudden death of her father, Macdonald, an educator, throws herself into the training of a goshawk, one she’s named Mabel. Her father is the reason she came to love nature as much as she did, he told her, “𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘺, 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭, 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦, 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵.”— thus throwing herself into falconry felt a natural path, as though she was clinging to anything she could so as not to lose any connection she had with him after he’d unexpectedly left this world. The wildness that Macdonald felt, in the throes of her sorrow, she saw this mirrored in Mabel. 

“𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘸𝘬 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦: 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘺, 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥, 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘧, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦.”

.

There is a story within this story, 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘎𝘰𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘸𝘬, written by a troubled man named T.H. White, a falconer and author, who had experienced much of the same, and had worked through his own trauma, all the while attempting to train a goshawk, yet he lacked the patience needed to successfully train one. T.H. White’s part in Macdonald’s story is essential, in my opinion, as I feel it was necessary to her healing, and her grief, just as Mabel was. And their stories laid bare the bond between humans, but also the bond between humans and animals, humans and nature. 

.

Macdonald weaves in the most beautiful and poetic prose, with a depth of knowledge and history surrounding nature, and the almost, yet not quite, parallel journey through grief and training of a goshawk that White took, that created this almost rich and luminous reading experience, especially when listening to her narrate the audio herself. The reflections on her memories with her father left me emotional; her meditation on loss, and her writings on the process of feeling that emptiness that comes after, had me underlining and tabbing over and over again. 

.

And, quick thank you to @bookshelfkeeps for this recommendation, I can’t tell you how wonderful it was trading messages with you about this one, sharing our vulnerabilities with regard to our own relationships with our fathers, and the connections we sought from them, I’ll treasure those conversations always. - ily.