A review by kylieayn
Something Close to God by Erika Del Carmen Ruiz

emotional reflective tense medium-paced

4.25

The inherent connections between the speaker’s gender and bodily experience, relationship with her mother (and her mother’s death), and her mental health are laid out in confessional, sometimes judgmental, poems that answer as many questions as they ask. The perspective of the whole collection has a wisdom only obtained through time and having reached a conclusion (through growth, decision, death, or what have you), while the individual poems take the reader through that journey in a more present, anxious perspective. For example, in the first section “the poor in spirit,” the title of the poem “god doesn’t exist” comes across with an after-time-of-writing finality, while the content is still fully immersed in time-of-writing turmoil.

The many births/grow-ups/rebirths the speaker relates—from a “wailing child baptized in holy water” in “my gender seeks out god” to a burgeoning emo tween in “gerard way gave birth to me” to a “restless baby queer” in “meeting the virgin mary on top of a hill overlooking san bernardino” to a “newborn suckling on the tit of unbridled resurrection” in “purgatory” to being god itself in “genesis after depression” and so on—often coincide with the direction of dependency with surrounding loved ones. In youth, when a child is dependent on their parent(s); in late teendom, when hits the too-soon reverse in caretaking for their mother’s illness and for their father’s breakdown after her death; in young adulthood, when there’s the biggest push and pull between the comfort and distress of romance, friendship, and free self-actualization; throughout life, when trying to determine one’s dynamic with spirituality.

It’s more throughout the penultimate section, “those who hunger & thirst",” that I find the most empowering rebirths emerge, followed by the most followed-through grow-ups in the final section, “the merciful & the persecuted.” The former is most pointed to me in “genesis after depression” and the next poem, “burning, 7:17 am,” due to the fire and ash imagery used, pulling forth phoenix metaphors. The latter, in the more outwardly facing focuses. There’s still plenty of interiority and spirituality and parentage, but now we see their place in broader scope within society and other people’s lives, such as a nearby school shooting in “san bernardino, 2017” and more mentions of non-parent individuals like their best friend and their sisters. These snippets of exterior awareness coming at this later point in the speaker’s life makes sense, though because it pulls the world in as a setting and grounds the reader, makes me wish there were more of this throughout the book.

This is a fabulous collection—tight in theme, easily understandable in time lineation, and strength of voice. Could there have been more experimentation with form and structure to pair with the making/undoing/remaking themes and interpersonal dynamics? Yes, but the more traditional styles implemented are in no way a detriment to the content. In fact, I think it would make their mother proud (non-derogatory).

*Review of complimentary ARC from the publisher, Querencia Press.