Review by earlhadt0die - We Could Be Rats

earlhadt0die 's review for:

We Could Be Rats by Emily Austin

4.0

dark emotional funny reflective medium-paced

Plot or Character Driven: Character

Flaws of characters a main focus: Yes

Very good. As per the usual, Emily Austin captures specific feelings & experiences about friendship, family relationships & childhood, lesbianism, & our secret, messy, complicated inner worlds. Spot on writing that makes you go “ouch” at times, but balanced with dark humor that I really appreciated. Definitely a specific writing style that I can imagine won't appeal to everyone. I think it's the specificity with which she writes that makes some of the more "simple" paragraphs feel more poignant (? not sure if that's exactly the word I mean but I'll marinate on it).

There is something wrong with me. I don't react to my sister attempting to kill herself by crying or calling my mom. Instead, I squash how I feel into a pit in my stomach and use that to fuel springing into action. I hyper focus on whatever I can do to make it better...I didn't want to face that this was happening. I wanted to occupy myself with this stupid assignment so I could feel accomplished. I thought that might take the edge off. (145)

When I'm sober, I'm careful not to overshare. I listen more than I speak. I ask people how they are, and when they ask me back, I say "I'm great, thank you."
After I drink, I wake up cringing, regretting how I burdened everyone around me with all my petty sorrows. I can't imagine the remorse I would feel if I woke up after burdening people with sorrows that weren't trivial. (152)

When I first moved out, I felt like I'd abandoned her. I left her alone in that house with our parents. I found it difficult to talk to her. I felt guilty. (191)
But I was eager to move out. I wanted to get away...I felt free. I grew up walking on eggshells. I felt constantly drained and overwhelmed. It was a relief to live somewhere new, to take classes I liked, to have my own room, and to live with people who were calm and easy to be around. (192)

One of the unexpected side effects to being openly gay in a small, conservative, predominantly white community like Drysale is being a forced spokesperson. You involuntarily become a voice for the queer community. You get this spotlight cast on you that you don't deserve, and that you aren't primed for. You're considered representative. You could be incredibly ignorant, like me, and still- people will start turning to you when certain topics come up. It doesn't just happen for topics relating to conversion therapy and whether gay people should be allowed in the military, either. Eyes were on us when people talked about things like racism, climate change, and abortion, for some faulty reason. (203-204)

Greta pointed out that we were on a podium in a cesspool. She said we had been assigned a task. We were severely underqualified candidates for a campaign she knew was right. Eyes were on us whether they should have been or not. We were morally obligated to be less stupid. We were often asked questions about topics we knew nothing about. People were always fishing for us to condone their shitty beliefs. (205)

[Greta] once said, "I know I'm unbearable, but what else can I be? We have to be unbearable, you and I."
I used to joke, "I wish we were rats" because, if I could choose how the world worked, we would all be rats at a fair. We would all live well, sampling every possible ounce of happiness. We would roll around in garbage and suck on sour keys. (206)

[Margit] wanted to maintain peace, ignore our problems, and placate everyone. Her objective was to avoid conflict. Mine wasn't. I wanted issues to be acknowledged. I wanted to address it when our family behaved badly. I was sick of playing along. I felt like I was a black sheep, and she was an enabler. I was the target of everyone's frustration, and she kept the peace for everyone but me. (215)

Content Warnings