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A review by zedohee
All This Could Be Different by Sarah Thankam Mathews
challenging
dark
emotional
funny
hopeful
sad
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? It's complicated
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated
2.75
upon reassessment, the unaddressed antiblackness really soured me on this book and prevents me from ever rereading what was on the way to becoming one of my all time favourite books. what a waste.
-
1. a win for repressed #ethnic lesbians everywhere.
2. PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE
3. always a pleasure to see some raw, pulsating lesbianism in action. loved that lots.
4. s is insufferable, ridiculous and very gay; horny, emotionally constipated dykes rise!
5. the 10 episode-55 min HBO limited series ive mapped out in my head would eat, but the discourse alone would be A Thing To Behold so here’s to hoping that never happens. if it does though, ive definitely got #ideas so HBO 📞📞📞 HML.
”What nobody told me when I was a very young person was that obedience, fearful toeing of every line, chasing every kind of safety, would not save you. What nobody told me growing up was that sometimes your friends do join your family, fusing care, irritation, loyalty, shared history, and affectionate contempt into a tempered love, bright and daily as steel.”
— All This Could Be Different
everyone in this book is complex and human and tries, which is my favorite thing. because yes, All This Could Be Different but sometimes the only way out is through and you only get it once you’ve got it. but you don’t have to do it alone, so let people help you. but also look up.
s is mean, funny, detached, deeply caring and hilarious; she’s a bunch of contradictions and want and isn’t as good as appearing as above it all and calm as she thinks she is. she doesn’t want to like anyone, most of all herself. she just wants to be a person, no terms and conditions applied. to her, at first, despite being an indian woman, that means whiteness (among other things but whiteness is primary). i wouldn’t say this book centered whiteness but there was definitely a doggedly tragic fixation running through the first half of the book, for sure. and it was a lot. grating, really. i just kept wondering why tf I was supposed to care about it these utterly charmless, bland, and honestly pathetic white people who sneha just couldn’t seem to get enough of, when everyone else was so much more interesting, brilliant and fleshed out. and i had some major issues with how the narrative handled Blackness, sometimes i thought the author rode a real fine line between realism and stereotypes and didn’t always hit the mark. like tig, sneha’s black best friend, never quite gets any of the care or thoughtfulness she time and time again extends sneha and this dynamic carries on until the end? why not expand on that. also HATED that thing that happened at near the end. just entirely useless and shoved in there and for what? that scene was the only time i felt like the book invoked gratuitous trauma and it was extremely disheartening and lame. that incident took this from a 5 star book to a 3 for me. i didn’t see any reason for it, but maybe having it happen earlier and exploring tig’s feelings/thoughts instead of it being a catalyst for sneha’s ‘radical’ actions would’ve at least made sense. perhaps the underwhelming racial dynamics were purposeful, but if that’s the case then the author didn’t quite get her point across because the narrative only underscored the idea that whiteness was the ideal and everyone else was just. around. good, but not good enough. not even sneha herself, which for all the enlightenment surrounding her, made little sense in how no one approached these topics? idk, the racial dynamics were inconsistent, disappointing and dotted with stereotypes. also a little dated, it all just seemed like a huge blind spot. although, regarding whiteness and sneha’s whole deal, her entire life abroad has been her striving for this narrow idea of success and being weighed down by indescribable pressure; consciously and unconsciously, in some ways she’s had to dismiss her heritage and diminish her family and their expectations to be able to go on. so yeah it tracks, because that she would have this complicated, mangled relationship with her own personhood/race/sexuality. when it comes to herself and her heritage she’s mostly self aware:
“They are my people. Yes, I am glad that I am here in this country, for a thousand reasons, including the latitude to hold your hand in public and kiss you on the forehead, but the people of this country are not my people, and most let me know every day. “
but also closes her eyes to what displeases her. she’s abrasive, wants what she wants and is kind of the queen of delusion? like a real person, she comes to certain conclusions too late and it can be extremely frustrating to see her rotating in circles. the kind of character you either like or don’t.
”I felt abashed and earnest and yearning, and very, very young. It was the truth.”
i loved that she was a lot and really messy a lot of time, loved that she knew that and tried so hard sometimes and just plain out refused at other times because #felt. loved that she found her people, and got to hold on to them (antigone was everything and deserved better from everyone; marina was exhausting and ridiculous, and not in the fun way; thom was ??? that friendship was mind blowing to me for a good 80% of this book and even at the end i didn’t care for him at all. in fact i could have done without him) and that people didn’t just scatter in the end.
because the end!! even with my huge issues with this book, i still think it was lovely and raw and joyful, without being pat or simplistic.
ATCBD is a fascinating, skillfully written book that made me reflect on everything, had me laughing out loud and trying to hold back bitch baby tears because of how unrelenting life could be.
*edit/the more i think on it, the less i understand what she was going for re:racial dynamics?
-
1. a win for repressed #ethnic lesbians everywhere.
2. PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE
3. always a pleasure to see some raw, pulsating lesbianism in action. loved that lots.
4. s is insufferable, ridiculous and very gay; horny, emotionally constipated dykes rise!
5. the 10 episode-55 min HBO limited series ive mapped out in my head would eat, but the discourse alone would be A Thing To Behold so here’s to hoping that never happens. if it does though, ive definitely got #ideas so HBO 📞📞📞 HML.
”What nobody told me when I was a very young person was that obedience, fearful toeing of every line, chasing every kind of safety, would not save you. What nobody told me growing up was that sometimes your friends do join your family, fusing care, irritation, loyalty, shared history, and affectionate contempt into a tempered love, bright and daily as steel.”
— All This Could Be Different
everyone in this book is complex and human and tries, which is my favorite thing. because yes, All This Could Be Different but sometimes the only way out is through and you only get it once you’ve got it. but you don’t have to do it alone, so let people help you. but also look up.
s is mean, funny, detached, deeply caring and hilarious; she’s a bunch of contradictions and want and isn’t as good as appearing as above it all and calm as she thinks she is. she doesn’t want to like anyone, most of all herself. she just wants to be a person, no terms and conditions applied. to her, at first, despite being an indian woman, that means whiteness (among other things but whiteness is primary). i wouldn’t say this book centered whiteness but there was definitely a doggedly tragic fixation running through the first half of the book, for sure. and it was a lot. grating, really. i just kept wondering why tf I was supposed to care about it these utterly charmless, bland, and honestly pathetic white people who sneha just couldn’t seem to get enough of, when everyone else was so much more interesting, brilliant and fleshed out. and i had some major issues with how the narrative handled Blackness, sometimes i thought the author rode a real fine line between realism and stereotypes and didn’t always hit the mark. like tig, sneha’s black best friend, never quite gets any of the care or thoughtfulness she time and time again extends sneha and this dynamic carries on until the end? why not expand on that. also HATED that thing that happened at near the end. just entirely useless and shoved in there and for what? that scene was the only time i felt like the book invoked gratuitous trauma and it was extremely disheartening and lame. that incident took this from a 5 star book to a 3 for me. i didn’t see any reason for it, but maybe having it happen earlier and exploring tig’s feelings/thoughts instead of it being a catalyst for sneha’s ‘radical’ actions would’ve at least made sense. perhaps the underwhelming racial dynamics were purposeful, but if that’s the case then the author didn’t quite get her point across because the narrative only underscored the idea that whiteness was the ideal and everyone else was just. around. good, but not good enough. not even sneha herself, which for all the enlightenment surrounding her, made little sense in how no one approached these topics? idk, the racial dynamics were inconsistent, disappointing and dotted with stereotypes. also a little dated, it all just seemed like a huge blind spot. although, regarding whiteness and sneha’s whole deal, her entire life abroad has been her striving for this narrow idea of success and being weighed down by indescribable pressure; consciously and unconsciously, in some ways she’s had to dismiss her heritage and diminish her family and their expectations to be able to go on. so yeah it tracks, because that she would have this complicated, mangled relationship with her own personhood/race/sexuality. when it comes to herself and her heritage she’s mostly self aware:
“They are my people. Yes, I am glad that I am here in this country, for a thousand reasons, including the latitude to hold your hand in public and kiss you on the forehead, but the people of this country are not my people, and most let me know every day. “
but also closes her eyes to what displeases her. she’s abrasive, wants what she wants and is kind of the queen of delusion? like a real person, she comes to certain conclusions too late and it can be extremely frustrating to see her rotating in circles. the kind of character you either like or don’t.
”I felt abashed and earnest and yearning, and very, very young. It was the truth.”
i loved that she was a lot and really messy a lot of time, loved that she knew that and tried so hard sometimes and just plain out refused at other times because #felt. loved that she found her people, and got to hold on to them (antigone was everything and deserved better from everyone; marina was exhausting and ridiculous, and not in the fun way; thom was ??? that friendship was mind blowing to me for a good 80% of this book and even at the end i didn’t care for him at all. in fact i could have done without him) and that people didn’t just scatter in the end.
because the end!! even with my huge issues with this book, i still think it was lovely and raw and joyful, without being pat or simplistic.
ATCBD is a fascinating, skillfully written book that made me reflect on everything, had me laughing out loud and trying to hold back bitch baby tears because of how unrelenting life could be.
*edit/the more i think on it, the less i understand what she was going for re:racial dynamics?
Content Warnings
Moderate: Police brutality and Mental illness
Causal antiblackness throughout the book that makes me want to ask the author if she’s stupid or something. Yes im bitter. Loved so much of this book only to be let down.