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A review by bru_reads
Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen
5.0
5.0 stars - There are books I give 5 stars because they are rememberable, re-readable or have been part of my life since I can remember. And then there is this one that made me be close to tears (or actually crying) almost the entire time because I felt so seen it was overwhelming.
I knew I wanted to read this the moment I found out about it, but reading about my orientation while trying to deal with my relationship felt too hard so I didn't. I should've just read this and save myself all the heartbreak and self-hate.
Chen touches in so many points, from how our sexualized society and the expectations around love and relationships affect consent, to how our own community can gatekeep others who we should be supporting instead. It was fascinating to hear others' perspectives and experiences, even if most chapters felt like punches in the stomach, reminding me of all the insecurities, bad decisions, interests and fears I'm still trying to deal with after first discovering the aromantic asexual label when I was sixteen.
Her writing is super acessible, pulls back no punches and is critical about the ace community itself, giving not only perspective to those in the spectrum but also to allo people who want to learn more about experiences. It felt so raw and honest to me, I can't properly explain how much it made me feel validated, especially during chapter 8 (it simply ripped my heart out and made me cry for hours because it's not just me who feels like this during sex)
I never considered myself to have an internalized acephobia but I really do struggle with the aromantic side of my identity, especially because I'm in love with the idea of love and the knowledge that I'm just not wired that way is hurtful. Having someone put that feeling into words and say "it's okay to struggle, it's okay to try and figure things out and it's okay to be angry" means more to me than I can say.
I've heard the audiobook, midway I bought the ebook version and now I'm ordering the hardback edition because honestly, there's not enough love I can give to either this author or this book. I love it to pieces and is now my favorite non-fiction book.
I knew I wanted to read this the moment I found out about it, but reading about my orientation while trying to deal with my relationship felt too hard so I didn't. I should've just read this and save myself all the heartbreak and self-hate.
Chen touches in so many points, from how our sexualized society and the expectations around love and relationships affect consent, to how our own community can gatekeep others who we should be supporting instead. It was fascinating to hear others' perspectives and experiences, even if most chapters felt like punches in the stomach, reminding me of all the insecurities, bad decisions, interests and fears I'm still trying to deal with after first discovering the aromantic asexual label when I was sixteen.
Her writing is super acessible, pulls back no punches and is critical about the ace community itself, giving not only perspective to those in the spectrum but also to allo people who want to learn more about experiences. It felt so raw and honest to me, I can't properly explain how much it made me feel validated, especially during chapter 8 (it simply ripped my heart out and made me cry for hours because it's not just me who feels like this during sex)
You see, if all humans have a baseline of sexual desire and nothing is currently wrong, saying no on a beautiful, happy day to a beautiful, happy partner means you are selfish and intentionally withholding. You don’t want to be that kind of person and you love your partner. So you say yes.
I never considered myself to have an internalized acephobia but I really do struggle with the aromantic side of my identity, especially because I'm in love with the idea of love and the knowledge that I'm just not wired that way is hurtful. Having someone put that feeling into words and say "it's okay to struggle, it's okay to try and figure things out and it's okay to be angry" means more to me than I can say.
Little of what I learned—about compulsory sexuality, consent, or the ways we privilege sex and how that is culturally ingrained—made a dent in the fear. For all that I am steeped in ace discourse, I would sometimes feel terrible late at night and burst out that I hated being ace, that I wished I were “normal,” that if I could choose, I would choose to be otherwise.
I've heard the audiobook, midway I bought the ebook version and now I'm ordering the hardback edition because honestly, there's not enough love I can give to either this author or this book. I love it to pieces and is now my favorite non-fiction book.