elizabethofeves 's review for:

The Firm by John Grisham
1.0

Imagine you are a middle aged man. You are in the midst of a heart-wrenching divorce that is your fault (but of course, you’re unaware of this indisputable fact). Your kids don’t want to see you. You can barely make your mortgage payments but yet, you feel a desire to take out a high interest loan on a fancy sports car to shove it to your soon to be ex wife.

It all seems hopeless. You don’t know what to do or where to turn to. And then, pursuing the bookstore in the throes of the worst hangover of your life (which you would have handled fine in college, 30 pounds lighter and full of hope and optimism) you see it. “The Firm” by John Grisham. You pick it up and in spite of your hopeless situation, you read and read and read. It becomes your Bible. Your saving grace.

And you, sir, would be the only one to idolize such a heaping pile of garbage. Because you’re just like Mitch, aren’t you? Or you want to be— an insufferable, smart talking, cheating, son of a bitch who is for some reason coveted and admired by everyone around him.

Yes, I hated “The Firm”. It had the same “man movie where loser who lives in mom’s basement can dream of being hotshot money man” that “Wolf of Wall Street” has, but it’s 1000 times less entertaining, with clumsy, dry dialogue, unrealistic side characters, an insufferable protagonist, and a meandering, dull plot.

Let’s start with the insufferable protagonist. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. He cheats on his wife, constantly “owns” the FBI (whose agents are all dumbasses to make Mitch look like the smartest in the room 24/7) and is overall a horrible jackass. I mean, does Mitch ever make a mistake? Noooooo, even when he cheats on his wife it isn’t his fault because the firm made him do it! And everyone likes him/wants to work with him because he’s a SPECIAL BOY. Yes, Mitch here is so so special that the firm sought him out, the FBI sought him out, and even my fist is going to seek him out soon. But unlike my fist, neither the firm, the FBI, or the plot has a reason to be so hung up on this man and his ego.

I could rant about everything else but I’d be here all day, then. But I will say this—this book is misogynistic to its core. Yes, I recognize character’s can be misogynistic and it doesn’t make the BOOK misogynistic, but when Grisham’s golden boy (who is presented as the pinnacle of morality and intelligence) is a sexist prick, I can’t help but think he got his views from the author. Seriously, Grisham won’t describe anything until he goes “and her massive honking seductive slutty milkers gyrated wildly…” and we’re just expected to sit through this garbage? There’s a point where Tammy (who is just another cardboard cut out of a female character to be objectified) is scared for her life and Mitch thinks to himself as she’s crying “well, she’s be prettier without the makeup, and she has really big tits…” AHHHHH. AHHH!!!!! And don’t even get me started on Abby. Girl should have dumped his ass, but yet, she goes along with anything he does like the perfect, loving (with no other character traits) wife Mitch definitely doesn’t deserve.

Anyways, I think I’d rather scoop my eyeball out with a rusty scalpel than read “The Firm” or have to follow along on any Mitch’s adventures again. If you like this, each to his own, I guess. But you’re probably old, male, and with no other prospects that a desolate retirement and wild fantasies that you too, can be a special boy JUST like little old Mitch.