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A review by thesafasaga
Smoke and Mirrors: Short Fiction and Illusions by Neil Gaiman
1.0
How can I convey my utter hatred for this book? How can I convince you that this collection of short stories is so bad that it isn't worth reading, even for a laugh? For starters, it contains a multitude of stories that contain sexism, transphobia, pedophilia, and racism. Oh, and some incest. It has so much sex, nudity, and rape in it that is should be stamped on the cover as a warning. It is so badly written, I would actually be surprised if it was proofread at all before being published. I tried reading the part of the introduction where Gaiman narrates his thoughts on each of the stories but I didn't feel like putting myself through any more of this nonsense. I cannot fathom how this book has 4 star rating on here, but I guess Neil Gaiman fans just spam rated it well without reading it. In any case, I am worse off for having read this book.
Beware there may be SPOILERS, mostly for the bad stories since I'm explaining why they're bad. Also, long review is long, since I'm basically going through every story.
Since the edition I read had the stories in a different order anyway, I'm going to start with the ones that I actually enjoyed and liked. There are not many of those.
We Can Get Them For You Wholesale
A funny and somewhat morbid story about a man trying to arrange a murder but can't seem to pass up a bargain. Two for one deal anyone? Everything I wanted out of this book 5/5
Chivalry
Okay this one I liked a lot. An old woman buys the Holy Grail from a thrift shop. Soon afterwards, the knight Sir Galaad arrives and attempts to obtain the grail for Arthur, King of All Britons. However, the old woman rejects his offer, so he comes back, each time with a more wondrous offer. Silly and fun, its a cute story. 4/5
The Price
Proof that cats are too good for us. This story is about a cat who defends a home from the devil. A nice air of mystery and fantasy. 4/5
This next section are stories that were okay. Not great, but not that problematic. Basically average.
The White Road
This story was told in a form of a poem, which I disliked greatly. However, the actual story was pretty interesting. The intended of Mr. Fox is asked to tell the story of a dream she had while at a gathering with friends and family. The story she tells is of her visiting Mr. Fox's home and finding some surprising things. The ending is especially good, I think. Mystery, fairytale-esque 3.5/5
The Wedding Present
This story wasn't half-bad. I thought it was dumb that it was hidden inside the Introduction but whatever. Its about a couple who just got married. They receive a peculiar story as a wedding present from an unknown person. This story details their alternate lives, which are full of woe and problems. In "real-life," this couple is happy and healthy, with a good relationship to each other. In the story, they are abusive and depressed. As the years go by, the couple will sometimes read the story again, which advances as they do. Overall, pretty interesting. 3.5/5
Troll Bridge
This would have been higher up on the List, except for the weird fascination with the troll's penis. Made me very confused. Reads like a fairy tale or fable, detailing a young boy who gets lost and finds himself at the troll's bridge. To escape with his life, he has to make a deal, promising that he will return when he has lived more. 3/5
Nicholas Was...
Pretty edgy but not bad. Santa is actually being kept hostage by the elves and forced to work. If it was any longer it would be bad, but its only a couple pages. 3/5
The Sweeper of Dreams
A fairly short story about what happens to your dreams. Interesting concept. 3/5
The Sea Change
A poem about the ocean and how dangerous it can be. Fun to read. 3/5
When We Went To See the End of the World
A story written as an essay by a 11 y/o girl. She and her family go to visit the end of the world. Her dad is abusive to her mom. Kinda interesting world. My main problem is that the narrator doesn't sound or act like an 11 y/o; she seems a lot younger than that. 3/5
Fifteen Painted Cards from a Vampire Tarot
A bunch of little stories all about vampires. Some are only 2 paragraphs, others 2 pages. Some are good, some sexist. Don't feel like going through each one. 3/5
Next are the stories that were boring or I just didn't like. Just... not that interesting, making me question why he bothered to write them down.
The Daughter of Owls
Its interesting, I guess. About a girl who was found as a baby with an owl pellet and raised in a convent. When word of her beauty spreads at age 14, all the men in the village come to rape her. But she calls the owls and they kill all the men. She escapes and is never seen again, except in high places at night. I would have liked it better, except it was written in attempted Ye Olde English and annoying to read. 2.5/5
The Goldfish Pool and Other Stories
Honestly, this was one of the most boring stories I have ever read in my life. Some British author (self-insert character basically) wrote a bad, edgy book that became popular enough to get a movie. Author goes to LA and hates it. The film people are annoying and constantly want to change things from the book and the author doesn't care enough to fight against it, I guess. Also, he's staying at this hotel and becomes friends with this old guy who takes care of the fish. Basically nothing really happens. 2/5
Don't Ask Jack
Pretty edgy. A jack-in-the-box toy is evil or possessed or something. None of the kids want to play with it. 2/5
Queen of Knives
A young boy attends a magic show with his grandparents. The magician makes his grandma disappear and they never get her back. Boring, predictable. 2/5
Shoggoth's Old Peculiar
Some American came to take a Walking Tour of the Britain Coastline but ends up bored and grumpy since is off season and no one is there. He ends up in a creepy old pub in a creepy old town. He gets drunk with some locals who are arguing about Lovecraft. Anyway, it turns out the entire town doesn't even exist and is probably something out of Lovecraft's works, which is why those two locals were so offended. Honestly, really boring. It's like he read one Lovecraft story, wrote this, and published it without re-reading it to see if its any good. 2/5
Virus
Technology bad. That's it, that's the story. 2/5
Only the End of the World Again
Something something werewolf. Something something Lovecraft. Honestly don't remember what it was about, only that it was boring and that was vaguely Lovecraft-inspired. 2/5
Bay Wolf
Some mobster-type character is dealing with someone killings his people. He hires a guy to take them out. The guy turns out to be a werewolf and fights a shark. He wins. The end. Really boring. 2/5
Cold Colors
I would tell you what this story was about if I knew. Its a poem, which is probably why I didn't understand it, I'm not good with poems. I know the world is one of those technomagic ones but I really couldn't tell you anymore. 2/5
Foreign Parts
Ever read a story that you know could have been good but just isn't. This is that one. Its about a man who gets a STI even though he hasn't had sex in years. He gets it treated but starts to feel like his body isn't his own anymore. Contains sexism (he would love to have lived in Queen Victoria's days where women were just "resentful sex dolls in the bedroom"), vague racism (he had a young Pakistani doctor that "smelled of exotic spices" and really white teeth, no other description), and lots of masturbation (just... so much). He could have picked any disease, really anything you can imagine. But Neil Gaiman picked NSU. Thanks. 2/5
Vampire Sestina
A poem about a vampire thinking about his lovers/victims. Really forgettable. 2/5
Desert Wind
Some guy is told a story by an old black man. He was separated from his caravan when he was younger and found a mirage with sexy ladies and lots of wine. One day, he wants to find it again. Honestly, kinda racist. Do white people understand that the belly-dancer outfit is racist? Its a complete Hollywood invention guys. 2/5
Babycakes
You know that essay "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift? The one about about baby-eating? Yeah, I'm fairly certain that Neil Gaiman read that, than tried to make it edgy instead of satirical. 2/5
Murder Mysteries
Another self-insert character here. Some 20-something British guy that doesn't like LA or driving in America is stuck there for an indeterminate about of time. He meets up with 30-something woman he used to know. They don't have sex because she's on her period, but she gives him a blowjob. She also is married and has a five y/o daughter, who the guy doesn't care about. Later he meets with some rando who tells him a story about angels that was frankly boring and annoying but takes up most of the space in the story. 2/5
Apple
Boring short story about the garden of Eden. The line stuck with me: "The Earth and Breath knew their clothedness, and removed their garments, one by one, until they were naked." Earth and Breath are presumably Adam and Eve. Still don't understand why this line was necessary.
These are now the stories that I hate. That I wish I never read. That were just bad. Very bad. No good.
Changes
Oh boy, where do I start with this one. The premise is that this guy named Rajit invented a drug that could cure any genetic disease, including cancer, by rewriting DNA. Only side effect was that your sex was switched. As in, a person with XX chromosomes takes the drug and now has XY chromosomes. This story is so transphobic, I cannot begin to tell you. Apparently it never occurred to Rajit that "there would be people who, dying of cancer, would rather die than experience a change in gender" or "that anyone might wish to take it for reason of desire or curiosity or escape." There is a scene at a nightclub, in which there is an employee named Jackie, no pronouns used, whose job is to tell whether someone had their sex changed. And they have a "97 percent accuracy rate," a skill that is genetically inherited. There are so many problems with this story. Neil Gaiman never heard of Intersex or genderfluidity or that gender and sex are different things. The implications of Rajit's name doesn't escape me either. Throughout this book, there are a lot of named characters. I only think of the "Pakistani doctor" in Foreign Parts. -100/5
Looking for the Girl
Some guy saw a picture of a hot girl, aged 19, in a porn magazine in the 60's and became obsessed with her. She was hot and the same age as him, I guess. It goes on to detail his boring life, always on look out for the girl in the magazine. Each time he sees her in there, she has a different name but is age 19. Guy has sex and has lots of different jobs but never forgets her. When he is 30 y/o, he has sex with a 16 y/o but apparently its okay. At the end, he becomes a photographer and the mystery girl comes to him for photos, like she has before with other photographers. She's still 19. Apparently, she is some eternally 19 y/o immortal who only comes out for people to take sexy photos of her. Pedophilia, sexism, and just boring 1/5
One Life, Furnished in Early Moorcock
A boy is obsessed with a book series, which is apparently a real book series I found out after reading this. Just kinda details a part of his life. He's 12 but skipped a grade so all his classmates are 13, which is a Big Deal apparently. All his classmates masturbate but he doesn't yet. Lots of masturbation. Oh, and a priest regularly molests and rapes the boy's friend but no biggie. Its fine. The story was bad, it was written badly, the flow was bad, the contents was bad. I really didn't like it. 1/5
Mouse
A guy buys a mouse trap, but it has to be a humane trap that doesn't kill the mouse. There a woman cashier helping him, who is really there for the male gaze. He is also horrible to his wife and hates women because of "their practicality." His mistress always makes him wear a condom, how horrible. His wife went to a doctor's appointment, maybe got an abortion, its kinda unclear. She's really upset about it but he leaves, saying "I don't have to listen to this." Through he's listening to this pro-life anti-liberal talkshow or something. Also, he can't kill the mouse, "couldn't kill anything." Fairly certain the mouse is an allegory for a fetus and killing it symbolizes abortion. Really sexist and bad 1/5
Tastings
This is a smut fic. That's basically it. It literally just details two people having sex and some dialogue. Apparently when you have sex in this world, you kinda learn stuff about them, from their past or something. It isn't that clear.Apparently the guy has a huge penis but the girl's breasts aren't what they use to be. Kinda sexist and boring. 1/5
Snow, Glass, Apples
Snow White retelling. Interesting premise, in which Snow White is a vampire and the queen was just trying to save her people from her. However, Neil Gaiman is unable to write anything without adding sex into it, so it ends up being pretty bad. First problematic thing, after the Snow White's father marries the narrator (our "evil" queen), he becomes weaker and weaker until he dies. Apparently, vampire Snow White had been feeding on him to the point of killing him. The feedings leave scars, some of which are on his "thighs, and on his ballock-pouch, and on his male member." The pedophilia implication is strong in this. There's some racist implications with the "forest folk," but I'll not go into that. Anyway, the story goes as it always does. The queen has Snow White's heart cut out, but she doesn't die because vampire. She ends up poisoning her with the magic apple, which apparently required a nude ritual to create. Snow White (as a 12-13 y/o) is often depicted naked, and pedophilia is also common. Eventually the prince comes, but he is a necrophiliac. He finds Snow White naked in a glass coffin, and it is implied he sexed her so hard the apple comes out of her throat. Next the queen is overthrown by the new couple. She is now the one who is always naked and then thrown into a kiln. Rape implications are strong. So pedophilia, sexism, rape, and lots of nudity 1/5
Eaten
Really bad. Scenes from a movie script draft, I guess. Doesn't make any sense. Includes brother-sister incest and sexism. Lots of nudity and sex. Like, every paragraph. Really badly written. Super bad. Not even vaguely entertaining 1/5
Beware there may be SPOILERS, mostly for the bad stories since I'm explaining why they're bad. Also, long review is long, since I'm basically going through every story.
Since the edition I read had the stories in a different order anyway, I'm going to start with the ones that I actually enjoyed and liked. There are not many of those.
We Can Get Them For You Wholesale
A funny and somewhat morbid story about a man trying to arrange a murder but can't seem to pass up a bargain. Two for one deal anyone? Everything I wanted out of this book 5/5
Chivalry
Okay this one I liked a lot. An old woman buys the Holy Grail from a thrift shop. Soon afterwards, the knight Sir Galaad arrives and attempts to obtain the grail for Arthur, King of All Britons. However, the old woman rejects his offer, so he comes back, each time with a more wondrous offer. Silly and fun, its a cute story. 4/5
The Price
Proof that cats are too good for us. This story is about a cat who defends a home from the devil. A nice air of mystery and fantasy. 4/5
This next section are stories that were okay. Not great, but not that problematic. Basically average.
The White Road
This story was told in a form of a poem, which I disliked greatly. However, the actual story was pretty interesting. The intended of Mr. Fox is asked to tell the story of a dream she had while at a gathering with friends and family. The story she tells is of her visiting Mr. Fox's home and finding some surprising things. The ending is especially good, I think. Mystery, fairytale-esque 3.5/5
The Wedding Present
This story wasn't half-bad. I thought it was dumb that it was hidden inside the Introduction but whatever. Its about a couple who just got married. They receive a peculiar story as a wedding present from an unknown person. This story details their alternate lives, which are full of woe and problems. In "real-life," this couple is happy and healthy, with a good relationship to each other. In the story, they are abusive and depressed. As the years go by, the couple will sometimes read the story again, which advances as they do. Overall, pretty interesting. 3.5/5
Troll Bridge
This would have been higher up on the List, except for the weird fascination with the troll's penis. Made me very confused. Reads like a fairy tale or fable, detailing a young boy who gets lost and finds himself at the troll's bridge. To escape with his life, he has to make a deal, promising that he will return when he has lived more. 3/5
Nicholas Was...
Pretty edgy but not bad. Santa is actually being kept hostage by the elves and forced to work. If it was any longer it would be bad, but its only a couple pages. 3/5
The Sweeper of Dreams
A fairly short story about what happens to your dreams. Interesting concept. 3/5
The Sea Change
A poem about the ocean and how dangerous it can be. Fun to read. 3/5
When We Went To See the End of the World
A story written as an essay by a 11 y/o girl. She and her family go to visit the end of the world. Her dad is abusive to her mom. Kinda interesting world. My main problem is that the narrator doesn't sound or act like an 11 y/o; she seems a lot younger than that. 3/5
Fifteen Painted Cards from a Vampire Tarot
A bunch of little stories all about vampires. Some are only 2 paragraphs, others 2 pages. Some are good, some sexist. Don't feel like going through each one. 3/5
Next are the stories that were boring or I just didn't like. Just... not that interesting, making me question why he bothered to write them down.
The Daughter of Owls
Its interesting, I guess. About a girl who was found as a baby with an owl pellet and raised in a convent. When word of her beauty spreads at age 14, all the men in the village come to rape her. But she calls the owls and they kill all the men. She escapes and is never seen again, except in high places at night. I would have liked it better, except it was written in attempted Ye Olde English and annoying to read. 2.5/5
The Goldfish Pool and Other Stories
Honestly, this was one of the most boring stories I have ever read in my life. Some British author (self-insert character basically) wrote a bad, edgy book that became popular enough to get a movie. Author goes to LA and hates it. The film people are annoying and constantly want to change things from the book and the author doesn't care enough to fight against it, I guess. Also, he's staying at this hotel and becomes friends with this old guy who takes care of the fish. Basically nothing really happens. 2/5
Don't Ask Jack
Pretty edgy. A jack-in-the-box toy is evil or possessed or something. None of the kids want to play with it. 2/5
Queen of Knives
A young boy attends a magic show with his grandparents. The magician makes his grandma disappear and they never get her back. Boring, predictable. 2/5
Shoggoth's Old Peculiar
Some American came to take a Walking Tour of the Britain Coastline but ends up bored and grumpy since is off season and no one is there. He ends up in a creepy old pub in a creepy old town. He gets drunk with some locals who are arguing about Lovecraft. Anyway, it turns out the entire town doesn't even exist and is probably something out of Lovecraft's works, which is why those two locals were so offended. Honestly, really boring. It's like he read one Lovecraft story, wrote this, and published it without re-reading it to see if its any good. 2/5
Virus
Technology bad. That's it, that's the story. 2/5
Only the End of the World Again
Something something werewolf. Something something Lovecraft. Honestly don't remember what it was about, only that it was boring and that was vaguely Lovecraft-inspired. 2/5
Bay Wolf
Some mobster-type character is dealing with someone killings his people. He hires a guy to take them out. The guy turns out to be a werewolf and fights a shark. He wins. The end. Really boring. 2/5
Cold Colors
I would tell you what this story was about if I knew. Its a poem, which is probably why I didn't understand it, I'm not good with poems. I know the world is one of those technomagic ones but I really couldn't tell you anymore. 2/5
Foreign Parts
Ever read a story that you know could have been good but just isn't. This is that one. Its about a man who gets a STI even though he hasn't had sex in years. He gets it treated but starts to feel like his body isn't his own anymore. Contains sexism (he would love to have lived in Queen Victoria's days where women were just "resentful sex dolls in the bedroom"), vague racism (he had a young Pakistani doctor that "smelled of exotic spices" and really white teeth, no other description), and lots of masturbation (just... so much). He could have picked any disease, really anything you can imagine. But Neil Gaiman picked NSU. Thanks. 2/5
Vampire Sestina
A poem about a vampire thinking about his lovers/victims. Really forgettable. 2/5
Desert Wind
Some guy is told a story by an old black man. He was separated from his caravan when he was younger and found a mirage with sexy ladies and lots of wine. One day, he wants to find it again. Honestly, kinda racist. Do white people understand that the belly-dancer outfit is racist? Its a complete Hollywood invention guys. 2/5
Babycakes
You know that essay "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift? The one about about baby-eating? Yeah, I'm fairly certain that Neil Gaiman read that, than tried to make it edgy instead of satirical. 2/5
Murder Mysteries
Another self-insert character here. Some 20-something British guy that doesn't like LA or driving in America is stuck there for an indeterminate about of time. He meets up with 30-something woman he used to know. They don't have sex because she's on her period, but she gives him a blowjob. She also is married and has a five y/o daughter, who the guy doesn't care about. Later he meets with some rando who tells him a story about angels that was frankly boring and annoying but takes up most of the space in the story. 2/5
Apple
Boring short story about the garden of Eden. The line stuck with me: "The Earth and Breath knew their clothedness, and removed their garments, one by one, until they were naked." Earth and Breath are presumably Adam and Eve. Still don't understand why this line was necessary.
These are now the stories that I hate. That I wish I never read. That were just bad. Very bad. No good.
Changes
Oh boy, where do I start with this one. The premise is that this guy named Rajit invented a drug that could cure any genetic disease, including cancer, by rewriting DNA. Only side effect was that your sex was switched. As in, a person with XX chromosomes takes the drug and now has XY chromosomes. This story is so transphobic, I cannot begin to tell you. Apparently it never occurred to Rajit that "there would be people who, dying of cancer, would rather die than experience a change in gender" or "that anyone might wish to take it for reason of desire or curiosity or escape." There is a scene at a nightclub, in which there is an employee named Jackie, no pronouns used, whose job is to tell whether someone had their sex changed. And they have a "97 percent accuracy rate," a skill that is genetically inherited. There are so many problems with this story. Neil Gaiman never heard of Intersex or genderfluidity or that gender and sex are different things. The implications of Rajit's name doesn't escape me either. Throughout this book, there are a lot of named characters. I only think of the "Pakistani doctor" in Foreign Parts. -100/5
Looking for the Girl
Some guy saw a picture of a hot girl, aged 19, in a porn magazine in the 60's and became obsessed with her. She was hot and the same age as him, I guess. It goes on to detail his boring life, always on look out for the girl in the magazine. Each time he sees her in there, she has a different name but is age 19. Guy has sex and has lots of different jobs but never forgets her. When he is 30 y/o, he has sex with a 16 y/o but apparently its okay. At the end, he becomes a photographer and the mystery girl comes to him for photos, like she has before with other photographers. She's still 19. Apparently, she is some eternally 19 y/o immortal who only comes out for people to take sexy photos of her. Pedophilia, sexism, and just boring 1/5
One Life, Furnished in Early Moorcock
A boy is obsessed with a book series, which is apparently a real book series I found out after reading this. Just kinda details a part of his life. He's 12 but skipped a grade so all his classmates are 13, which is a Big Deal apparently. All his classmates masturbate but he doesn't yet. Lots of masturbation. Oh, and a priest regularly molests and rapes the boy's friend but no biggie. Its fine. The story was bad, it was written badly, the flow was bad, the contents was bad. I really didn't like it. 1/5
Mouse
A guy buys a mouse trap, but it has to be a humane trap that doesn't kill the mouse. There a woman cashier helping him, who is really there for the male gaze. He is also horrible to his wife and hates women because of "their practicality." His mistress always makes him wear a condom, how horrible. His wife went to a doctor's appointment, maybe got an abortion, its kinda unclear. She's really upset about it but he leaves, saying "I don't have to listen to this." Through he's listening to this pro-life anti-liberal talkshow or something. Also, he can't kill the mouse, "couldn't kill anything." Fairly certain the mouse is an allegory for a fetus and killing it symbolizes abortion. Really sexist and bad 1/5
Tastings
This is a smut fic. That's basically it. It literally just details two people having sex and some dialogue. Apparently when you have sex in this world, you kinda learn stuff about them, from their past or something. It isn't that clear.Apparently the guy has a huge penis but the girl's breasts aren't what they use to be. Kinda sexist and boring. 1/5
Snow, Glass, Apples
Snow White retelling. Interesting premise, in which Snow White is a vampire and the queen was just trying to save her people from her. However, Neil Gaiman is unable to write anything without adding sex into it, so it ends up being pretty bad. First problematic thing, after the Snow White's father marries the narrator (our "evil" queen), he becomes weaker and weaker until he dies. Apparently, vampire Snow White had been feeding on him to the point of killing him. The feedings leave scars, some of which are on his "thighs, and on his ballock-pouch, and on his male member." The pedophilia implication is strong in this. There's some racist implications with the "forest folk," but I'll not go into that. Anyway, the story goes as it always does. The queen has Snow White's heart cut out, but she doesn't die because vampire. She ends up poisoning her with the magic apple, which apparently required a nude ritual to create. Snow White (as a 12-13 y/o) is often depicted naked, and pedophilia is also common. Eventually the prince comes, but he is a necrophiliac. He finds Snow White naked in a glass coffin, and it is implied he sexed her so hard the apple comes out of her throat. Next the queen is overthrown by the new couple. She is now the one who is always naked and then thrown into a kiln. Rape implications are strong. So pedophilia, sexism, rape, and lots of nudity 1/5
Eaten
Really bad. Scenes from a movie script draft, I guess. Doesn't make any sense. Includes brother-sister incest and sexism. Lots of nudity and sex. Like, every paragraph. Really badly written. Super bad. Not even vaguely entertaining 1/5