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A review by shelfcontrolreviews
This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships by Matthew Fray
5.0
***Firstly, thank you so very much to HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers for an advanced galley copy in exchange for an honest review!***
I’ve been following Matthew Fray’s writing since 2018, if I remember correctly. I found him when I was a newlywed. So, when I found out he was writing a book to be published while I was/am going through a divorce - I knew I would own it no matter what to see what was inside!
If/when you read this book, be ready for tears to flow & to be ready to throw the book at the same time. Hahaha. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. The dedication was enough to make me start tearing up & breaking me down. I was called out & finally felt seen for the first time as a roller coaster constantly while reading. “Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. We didn’t go down in a fiery explosion. We bled out from 10,000 paper cuts. Quietly. Slowly.” I felt winded immediately. Though it may have come late, finally, someone was hearing what me & so many others cry.
The chapter breakdowns felt like I was listening to a speech from marriages of decades of experience. The fact that Fray was able to give us this in book form due to all his work is astonishing. One thing I struggled with, guilt wise, was even pointed out in the book: “Good people can be bad spouses. Good people unwittingly destroy their marriages.” My husband is a great man & has always been a great father but, a good husband? Not when it’s all added up. The ‘Invalidation Triple Threat’ was truly eye opening because, again, it called me out because I never fully realized how I could sometimes be a steam roller.
I never understood I wasn’t asking the wrong questions. Neither of us were. “The right questions challenge our assumptions & beliefs & force us to consider an alternative.” We never stop & think about how simply taking a beat, rephrasing, & asking the questions that NEED to be asked will effectively solve more problems than the ones hand.
The “monster under the bed theory” BLEW ME AWAY! It’s such a basic approach that has a broad result. By not even trying to address the details of the issue, we eliminate trust. Knowing the ‘Key Relationship Skills’ to effectively master for your relationship made me feel like someone paid attention yet stabbed me in the heart because I know I wrestle with some of those skills myself, more than I’d like to admit.
‘Marriage & the Man Card’ made me feel like I was fully seeing deeper into what I had been dying to understand. Not to mention, hearing an outside perspective will let men feel heard & be acknowledged! However, this chapter plus ‘She Feels Like Your Mom But Doesn’t Want To’ & ‘Sex, Lies, & Internet Porn’ will also make them confront their own struggles just as the book has made me confront my own. These chapters, if made into a mini booklet, should be passed out on the street corners so everyone can examine the uncomfortable parts that tend to be ignored.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I will cherish this book & it will, no doubt, be reread multiple times over the years. I’m sure something new will pop out at me each time I open it.
I’ve been following Matthew Fray’s writing since 2018, if I remember correctly. I found him when I was a newlywed. So, when I found out he was writing a book to be published while I was/am going through a divorce - I knew I would own it no matter what to see what was inside!
If/when you read this book, be ready for tears to flow & to be ready to throw the book at the same time. Hahaha. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. The dedication was enough to make me start tearing up & breaking me down. I was called out & finally felt seen for the first time as a roller coaster constantly while reading. “Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. We didn’t go down in a fiery explosion. We bled out from 10,000 paper cuts. Quietly. Slowly.” I felt winded immediately. Though it may have come late, finally, someone was hearing what me & so many others cry.
The chapter breakdowns felt like I was listening to a speech from marriages of decades of experience. The fact that Fray was able to give us this in book form due to all his work is astonishing. One thing I struggled with, guilt wise, was even pointed out in the book: “Good people can be bad spouses. Good people unwittingly destroy their marriages.” My husband is a great man & has always been a great father but, a good husband? Not when it’s all added up. The ‘Invalidation Triple Threat’ was truly eye opening because, again, it called me out because I never fully realized how I could sometimes be a steam roller.
I never understood I wasn’t asking the wrong questions. Neither of us were. “The right questions challenge our assumptions & beliefs & force us to consider an alternative.” We never stop & think about how simply taking a beat, rephrasing, & asking the questions that NEED to be asked will effectively solve more problems than the ones hand.
The “monster under the bed theory” BLEW ME AWAY! It’s such a basic approach that has a broad result. By not even trying to address the details of the issue, we eliminate trust. Knowing the ‘Key Relationship Skills’ to effectively master for your relationship made me feel like someone paid attention yet stabbed me in the heart because I know I wrestle with some of those skills myself, more than I’d like to admit.
‘Marriage & the Man Card’ made me feel like I was fully seeing deeper into what I had been dying to understand. Not to mention, hearing an outside perspective will let men feel heard & be acknowledged! However, this chapter plus ‘She Feels Like Your Mom But Doesn’t Want To’ & ‘Sex, Lies, & Internet Porn’ will also make them confront their own struggles just as the book has made me confront my own. These chapters, if made into a mini booklet, should be passed out on the street corners so everyone can examine the uncomfortable parts that tend to be ignored.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I will cherish this book & it will, no doubt, be reread multiple times over the years. I’m sure something new will pop out at me each time I open it.