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A review by i_read_big_boucs
Unbound: A Woman’s Guide To Power by Kasia Urbaniak
adventurous
emotional
funny
hopeful
informative
inspiring
lighthearted
mysterious
reflective
relaxing
fast-paced
4.5
I honestly had such a great time reading this book. I wouldn't take everything she says to be the ultimate truth but reading this and doing the exercises was definitely inspiring. A lot of the advice reminds me of nonviolent communication.
What I liked:
- I relate to and like the idea that you can focus all you want on saying the right words, actually nonverbal communication plays a big role in how you're heard.
- I thought the concept of attention in/attention out and congruence was interesting (though without testing it it feels a bit abstract). I did notice that pushing my attention out in daily life gave me a different outlook and feel on life than I usually do and that accidentally, it's a great strategy for ignoring insecure thoughts. I was familiar with the idea of going inwards and feeling into my desires and stuff, but not of looking outward consciously. I've started paying more conscious attention to observing people's body language, and I love the idea of noticing more consciously whether they recoil or open up when I want to know how they feel about our interactions rather than turning inwards with my own thought about it. This book also made me feel more comfortable with acting in a dominant way because it associated it with the idea of making other people feel relaxed and inspired and held energetically, rather than attacked. Anyway, I think my confidence and playfulness rose while reading this book.
- the exercises described seemed like SO much fun and everything was wild. I loved Things unsaid, the Bad girl protocol. I'm also interested in trying out more of the Legitimacy exercise and the exercise where you think of what you could request from each person in your life. I feel too shy to try anything like an Outrageous ask in real life, but I'd love to role play it in an exercise.
- I really loved what the author said about making Outrageous requests, that it is not burdening others but giving them a positive in your life. I will definitely also try telling people why I think they're the person for the job.
- Some truth bombs from the book for me were: many women specialise in giving what they want to receive, but this fails because it doesn't always trigger reciprocity but complementarity (ouch, too real), the Independent WomanTM as a response to the Good girl conditioning which leads to asking no one to take care of you because you see yourself as strong (ouch)
- I want to try practicing Frames a bit more
- I liked the idea of "locating" the other person. I already did that, but I didn't have a name for it, and I didn't think of doing it in the context of someone saying something outrageous to me. I would need to do the practice exercises with other people, but the "turning the spotlight" exercise also seems powerful, e.g. It seems like you're saying X, is that correct?
What I didn't like so much:
- I think that the book could include more examples of moments where the strategies failed (I find it hard to imagine that all outrageous asks work)
- I like the idea of celebrating hearing "no's" and getting to play there, but I really worry that in a society where people find no hard to say (especially women) this can be harmful.
- I don't really believe profoundly in the association of dominance and submissiveness with attention in or out or that it's bad to have mixed states of attention. I also find the book doesn't separate attention and awareness, so is it really about awareness or attention?
What I liked:
- I relate to and like the idea that you can focus all you want on saying the right words, actually nonverbal communication plays a big role in how you're heard.
- I thought the concept of attention in/attention out and congruence was interesting (though without testing it it feels a bit abstract). I did notice that pushing my attention out in daily life gave me a different outlook and feel on life than I usually do and that accidentally, it's a great strategy for ignoring insecure thoughts. I was familiar with the idea of going inwards and feeling into my desires and stuff, but not of looking outward consciously. I've started paying more conscious attention to observing people's body language, and I love the idea of noticing more consciously whether they recoil or open up when I want to know how they feel about our interactions rather than turning inwards with my own thought about it. This book also made me feel more comfortable with acting in a dominant way because it associated it with the idea of making other people feel relaxed and inspired and held energetically, rather than attacked. Anyway, I think my confidence and playfulness rose while reading this book.
- the exercises described seemed like SO much fun and everything was wild. I loved Things unsaid, the Bad girl protocol. I'm also interested in trying out more of the Legitimacy exercise and the exercise where you think of what you could request from each person in your life. I feel too shy to try anything like an Outrageous ask in real life, but I'd love to role play it in an exercise.
- I really loved what the author said about making Outrageous requests, that it is not burdening others but giving them a positive in your life. I will definitely also try telling people why I think they're the person for the job.
- Some truth bombs from the book for me were: many women specialise in giving what they want to receive, but this fails because it doesn't always trigger reciprocity but complementarity (ouch, too real), the Independent WomanTM as a response to the Good girl conditioning which leads to asking no one to take care of you because you see yourself as strong (ouch)
- I want to try practicing Frames a bit more
- I liked the idea of "locating" the other person. I already did that, but I didn't have a name for it, and I didn't think of doing it in the context of someone saying something outrageous to me. I would need to do the practice exercises with other people, but the "turning the spotlight" exercise also seems powerful, e.g. It seems like you're saying X, is that correct?
What I didn't like so much:
- I think that the book could include more examples of moments where the strategies failed (I find it hard to imagine that all outrageous asks work)
- I like the idea of celebrating hearing "no's" and getting to play there, but I really worry that in a society where people find no hard to say (especially women) this can be harmful.
- I don't really believe profoundly in the association of dominance and submissiveness with attention in or out or that it's bad to have mixed states of attention. I also find the book doesn't separate attention and awareness, so is it really about awareness or attention?