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A review by bookph1le
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker
4.0
A good, but imperfect book. At times it's repetitive, and there are some instances of name-dropping and a few whiffs of self-importance. I found the beginning portions of the book somewhat off-putting because of this. Some portions of the book walk a fine, thin line between sensible advice and victim-blaming, and I didn't like that much. For instance, de Becker contends that women who are victims of domestic abuse are victims only the first time, and volunteers thereafter. Um, no. While he does have a point that it makes sense to take reasonable precautions with our own safety, I also thought this book gave the impression that the onus is on all of us to ensure we're not victims of crime. Actually, the onus is on criminals not to commit crimes. I think there's something to de Becker's idea that we might be better served spending more money on crime prevention and less on incarceration, but I think it's critical not to swing into the camp of making people feel as if they're responsible for the crimes committed against them. Still, I think the benefits of reading it outweigh some of its low points, and it's a book I'd recommend to pretty much anyone.
For instance, while I didn't care for de Becker's claiming people suffering from domestic abuse might be "volunteers", he does make a lot of excellent points about the importance of really analyzing our relationships. He states that choosing a romantic partner because of their potential rather than their substance is a bad idea, and I strongly agree with that. Culture tends to glorify the bad girl/bad boy types with no regard for how seriously damaging such relationships can be, and I thought de Becker's chapter on domestic violence was especially important for that reason. He debunks the idea that violence or the threat of it is sexy and lays out in plain terms what's likely to result from such a relationship. I'd love to see more people heed his words and stop promoting people with violent tendencies as the ultimate partner, as well as put an end to pop culture's hammering away at the message that it's perfectly acceptable to get into a relationship in which a person feels they must/can/should "fix" their partner. I think de Becker also does a good job of breaking domestic violence down into stark terms so that people who've never been in a violent relationship can come to a better understanding of what a relationship like that looks like. Moreover, this chapter may very well convince some people they'd be better off if they got out of their destructive relationships.
De Becker also makes some very valuable points about the nature of fear and learning how to separate real fears from random anxieties. I agree with his view that most Americans live in a heightened and perpetual state of fear that prevents us from seeing the forest for the trees. He doesn't get deeply into the science of it, but there's an underlying message in the book that it's most constructive for us to worry about the things we really need to worry about and ignore the irrational things. As he points out, people worry about being struck by lightning but will light up a cigarette without thinking. Guess which one is more likely to kill you.
Despite this book's title, I don't think de Becker is trying to convince people that they ought to feel afraid all the time. Instead, he illustrates situations in which fear is merited and provides an outline for understanding when we may be better served in listening to our inner alarm, even if it means we might risk social censure. I know I can think of times when I ignored the warnings going off in my head, when I rationalized them away. Fortunately for me, I've never found myself in some of the life-threatening scenarios he describes here, but this book did make me think I should pay more attention to those bursts of real fear. Maybe they'll turn out to be nothing and I'll suffer a bit of embarrassment. Then again, maybe they will be something and paying attention to them just may save my life.
For instance, while I didn't care for de Becker's claiming people suffering from domestic abuse might be "volunteers", he does make a lot of excellent points about the importance of really analyzing our relationships. He states that choosing a romantic partner because of their potential rather than their substance is a bad idea, and I strongly agree with that. Culture tends to glorify the bad girl/bad boy types with no regard for how seriously damaging such relationships can be, and I thought de Becker's chapter on domestic violence was especially important for that reason. He debunks the idea that violence or the threat of it is sexy and lays out in plain terms what's likely to result from such a relationship. I'd love to see more people heed his words and stop promoting people with violent tendencies as the ultimate partner, as well as put an end to pop culture's hammering away at the message that it's perfectly acceptable to get into a relationship in which a person feels they must/can/should "fix" their partner. I think de Becker also does a good job of breaking domestic violence down into stark terms so that people who've never been in a violent relationship can come to a better understanding of what a relationship like that looks like. Moreover, this chapter may very well convince some people they'd be better off if they got out of their destructive relationships.
De Becker also makes some very valuable points about the nature of fear and learning how to separate real fears from random anxieties. I agree with his view that most Americans live in a heightened and perpetual state of fear that prevents us from seeing the forest for the trees. He doesn't get deeply into the science of it, but there's an underlying message in the book that it's most constructive for us to worry about the things we really need to worry about and ignore the irrational things. As he points out, people worry about being struck by lightning but will light up a cigarette without thinking. Guess which one is more likely to kill you.
Despite this book's title, I don't think de Becker is trying to convince people that they ought to feel afraid all the time. Instead, he illustrates situations in which fear is merited and provides an outline for understanding when we may be better served in listening to our inner alarm, even if it means we might risk social censure. I know I can think of times when I ignored the warnings going off in my head, when I rationalized them away. Fortunately for me, I've never found myself in some of the life-threatening scenarios he describes here, but this book did make me think I should pay more attention to those bursts of real fear. Maybe they'll turn out to be nothing and I'll suffer a bit of embarrassment. Then again, maybe they will be something and paying attention to them just may save my life.